Sometimes, magazine articles have great advice on sexual wellness. Other times, however, you can read the latest “hot sex” tip and think: Really? For sexual health writer Taylor Bigler, one of the biggest offender is Cosmopolitan. ‘I’ve often wondered if Cosmo staffers sit around their newsroom thinking of the most absurd things that two people could possibly do in the bedroom and then print it in their magazine,’ she says. ‘I’m really not sure how else Cosmo comes up with some horribly hilarious sex tips.’ But why are these tips so terrible?
1. Ice Cream Mountain: Cosmopolitan once recommended, ‘Feed each other ice cream [in the dark. Not being able to see means more spilling, which means more licking up the mess.’ However, Bigler notes, ‘This seems like it would be incredibly messy for no reason at all.’
2. Bad Vibrations: Use ‘your electric toothbrush’ or ‘your iPhone [when your vibrator is out of batteries],’ Cosmopolitan advised. Bigler pleads, ‘Um. If you do this, please never lend anyone your phone. Ever.’
3. Audio Awkwardness: ‘Record your voice on your cell the next time you have a solo session,’ said Cosmopolitan. ‘Then, send him the audio file in the middle of the day, with just the text, “Wanna hear me do this tonight?”’ Bigler points out, ‘This is a great idea! Especially if your boyfriend/ spouse works in, say, a newsroom or in a cubicle and not an office with a door.’
4. Get Sporty: Cosmopolitan instructed, ‘Keep a paddlebrush, a soft scarf, and a baseball (yes, a baseball) on your bedside table. While he’s on top, alternate between scratching his back and butt with the bristles of the brush, stroking him with the scarf, and rolling the baseball over his skin.’ Bigler argues, ‘Just because baseball is the most popular sport to make sex metaphors out of does not mean you need to literally have a baseball present during your night time activities.’
5. Make a Boob of Yourself: ‘Dip your breasts in edible body paint,’ said Cosmopolitan. ‘And use them to ‘sponge paint’ his entire body. Then lick it off.’ Bigler asserts, ‘Even if you are into freaky stuff, this would be super awkward.’
6. Sock it To Him: Cosmopolitan outlined, ‘Pop his socks in the microwave for twenty seconds, then slip them on him. It will make him burn with pleasure.’ Bigler, on the other hand, warns, ‘Having warm socks will not make your husband want to have sex with you. It will make him want to fall asleep by a fire.’
7. Fork Him: ‘Press a fork (firmly, but don’t break the skin or anything) into different parts of his body — his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs,’ Cosmopolitan advised. However, Bigler makes the very astute point: ‘Your boyfriend is not the edge of a pie crust. Why do we need to bring sharp objects into this?’
8. Beer Facial: ‘Give him a beer facial,’ recommended Cosmopolitan. ‘The combination of the egg white and the yeast in the hops hydrates and improves skin elasticity… but you can just tell him that your lips can’t resist his delicious, beer-flavoured face.’ Bigler enthuses, ‘There is absolutely NO WAY they are for real about this. There’s just no way.’
9. Turkey Baster: Cosmopolitan instructed, ‘Heat up some massage oil, and put it into a turkey baster. Then use the baster to draw shapes, spell out naughty words, or create trails on his body — from his neck, over his arms, then down his back, butt, and legs.’ Yet Bigler cautions, ‘If someone ever brought a turkey baster into the bedroom, the other party would run screaming.’
