There’s a lot of bad sexual wellness advice out there, most of which is aimed at women. However, whether they get it from films, magazines or dodgy websites, men also have some fairly shocking sex tips thrown their way. We’ve taken a look at the worst offenders to your sexual wellbeing, and asked sexual health and relationship expert Anna Pulley to comment.
1. Get Down and Chocolatey: Maxim UK once instructed readers, ‘Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob.’ However, Pulley comments, ‘We’ve been known to joke about boning Nutella before, so we can’t harp too much, but if you present your lady with a brown, gooey dick, she’s going to have questions, and none of those will be, “May I enthusiastically blow you?” Also does this work in reverse? ‘Cause this Hot Pocket in my vagina’s not gonna eat itself.’
2. Sexy Saliva: Men’s Health recommended, ‘After your workout, reinforce her rising T with a sweaty make out session: male saliva has 10 to 15 times more testosterone than the female’s does… So prolonged French kissing may give a woman enough of a boost in testosterone to stimulate her interest chemically.’ But according to Pulley, ‘Yes, it’s definitely your testosterone-laden saliva that’s making us “chemically interested.” If the prolonged French kissing doesn’t seem to be doing the trick, try spitting in her face.’
3. Doggie Style: ‘A woman may want financial and family security, but she does not want passion security,’ says pickup artist site Cheateau Heartiste. ‘In the same manner, when she has displeased you, punish swiftly, but when she has done you right, reward slowly.’ Pulley points out, ‘It works for the Dog Whisperer so it must be true.’
4. The Three Day Rule: Most of us have heard about the three-day rule – ‘Wait three days to call her’ – but it’s often attributed to the movie Swingers. However, Pulley warns, ‘For the love of god, she’s not a sourdough starter. At its core, the three-day rule, enacted so you don’t seem too desperate or eager, makes some sense. Except who calls people anymore, except when you’re locked out of your house or your face is on fire? What if she texts you? Are you going to ignore it until Wednesday because of advice Vince Vaughn gave in the mid-’90s? We know you’re playing it cool, man. We get it. Just tell us when the next bowling date is going down. That’s all we want to know.’
5. Flirt With Other Women: Here’s another corker from Cheateau Heartiste: ‘Flirt with other women in front of her. Do not dissuade other women from flirting with you. Women will never admit this but jealousy excites them. The thought of you turning on another woman will arouse her sexually.’ Pulley admits, ‘Of course women (and men) want their partner to be perceived as desirable to others. But intentionally trying to make your partner jealous is a pathetic power trip used by the most insecure. And no, women “will never admit” it because it’s not true. Just like men “will never admit” they love surprise anal.’
6. Give Less: ‘Give your woman two-thirds of everything she gives you,’ advise Cheateau Heartiste. ‘For every three calls or texts, give her two back. Three declarations of love earn two in return. Three gifts; two nights out. Give her two displays of affection and stop until she has answered with three more. When she speaks, you reply with fewer words. When she emotes, you emote less… In her deepest loins it is what she truly wants.’ It’s not hard to see how this advice is utter rubbish. As Pulley notes, ‘Treating every exchange with women like a manipulative math problem is ¾ stupid, ⅝ sad, and 100 percent guaranteed to make you into an ex variable. Also, did he just call my loins shallow?’
