You’ve just started seeing someone new, you’ve gone out more than a couple of times now, you both make each other happy and enjoy one another’s company.
You think you’re ready to get to the hot and heavy stage, but before you start tearing each other’s clothes off, do you know about your new partner’s sexual health? Do you ask your new partner his or her STI status before you sleep with him or her?
A lot of people don’t, because they consider it an awkward conversation to have. Others don’t mind bringing up the “talk” because they saying it’s a very necessary step if the relationship is to progress without compromising each other’s health. How do you handle it?
A new study by researchers at the American Public Health Association reported that very few people got tested before or after taking a new sex partner, or discussed their sexual health with the person they were about to sleep with.
They surveyed 181 sexually active men and women who were on average 26 years old, on their sexual practices and also found out that most of them engaged in sex without a condom regardless of whether they had talked about STIs with their partner.
The research concluded that 20 something year olds were engaging in risky sexual behavior by not having the STI conversation with casual or long term sex partners.
Is this any different in Kenya?
Mr. It’s not a must…
Damian, a 24 year old art student says he knows this is an important conversation to have but he only brings it up with girls he considers serious relationships with.
“I don’t see the need to involve a one night stand in such a talk. I know that HIV and STDs can be prevented by using a condom so I always make sure I rubber up when having casual sex. If it’s a girl I really like, and am considering getting into a steady relationship with, then, we must both open up about our sexual health and go get tested. Right now, am not looking for a serious relationship, so I don’t bother to ask specifics.”
A tricky, risky balance Damian is taking with his life, but surprisingly he is not alone.
Ms. I don’t know how to…
Most grapple with how to drop this question to the new person in their lives. “Should you ask, how do you ask, when is the best time to ask?” Noella, a 26 year old Sales Executive says she usually doesn’t know how to even start. “It’s uncomfortable don’t you think? Ok, if you are to ask or you are asked about your sexual past, how much should you tell? Because I don’t want him to think I’m promiscuous or if I’m doing the asking, I don’t want it to come off as if I don’t trust him.”
Ms. I’d rather not know…
Lillian shrugs off asking men their status because she doesn’t want to hear the worst. “Asking that opens up a can of worms you know, because it goes hand in hand with how many people he has slept with. Plus springing up such a question is a mood killer.”
Lillian just like Damian would rather skip this bit and go straight to grab to grab a condom instead. Lillian says condom use is a must whenever she has sex. “I know condoms don’t protect against everything,” she continues, “but they do protect against a large number of STIs, and I personally consider them an adequate protection.”
Ms. It’s a must.
Pauline, a 28 year old bank teller doesn’t gamble with her life. She always insists that her new partner goes to a VCT with her to get tested. “I prefer we take the test together and both of us be present when we get the results.” Apparently this is because she had a bad experience in the past and has learnt from it. A case of once beaten twice shy. “When I was 23, my college boyfriend and I agreed to go get tested, he suggested we do it separately and come show each other the test slips. I showed him mine; I was cleared for STIs and HIV. He supposedly was clean too but when I asked him where his slip was he said he had changed trousers and the slip was in the one left in hostel room. I didn’t probe him any further.”
After 3 months she went for another checkup and the test came positive for HPV. “I thought it was a faulty test got re-tested at another clinic. The results were the same. When I told my boyfriend about it, he felt guilty and confessed that he never went to get tested the first time. I asked him why and he said it’s because he was certain he was clean because in his last relationship the girl was a virgin.”
She broke up with him eventually, insisting that it wasn’t because he infected her with an STI but because he lied about getting tested in the first place.
Mr. It doesn’t change anything
Fredrick a 20 year old college student says he and the girl he was dating for barely 2 months had the talk and agreed to go get tested. “I was happy that she was willing to talk about it easily. It wasn’t as an uncomfortable situation. But the surprising thing is that after we got our results and both were negative of STDs and HIV, she told me that she doesn’t see us going very far in the relationship and broke up with me.” Fredrick says the girl went back to her ex-boyfriend. “I still can’t believe that happened.”
Sandra’s story is similar to Fredrick’s. She was stood up at the clinic. “We were to meet at Kencom at noon and proceed to the clinic together. We were in different universities but would meet every weekend. I was waiting for him at the clinic but he was a no show. The day we were supposed to meet, my texts went unanswered and eventually his phone went off. He eventually reached out after a week. I called it quits.”
Mr. No thanks, I don’t want to know…
Kimani, who has pulled a fast one on a girl too, said he did it because he was scared. “I was 22 at the time; I freaked out when my girl proposed we go get the test. I didn’t want to know what I had or didn’t have because before I got serious with her I was a player and most times I had unprotected sex, so I didn’t want to know my status.” Kimani is a believer of what you don’t know can’t hurt you.
So, is it fear of hearing the worst that is stopping us from probing out partners’ sexual health? Many STDs show no symptoms infected. The only way to know for sure is to ask to get tested. If you have an STD, it’s recommended that you tell a new partner before you have any sexual contact with them– including oral sex. Yes, using condoms is the safest resort; however, if not used correctly, can put you at risk of infection. STIs can be transmitted if the condom: breaks, is used after initial sexual contact, is torn, or comes off completely.
So should you gamble with your life because you dread knowing your partner’s status? Is it worth it to put your health at risk because you are afraid of asking?
