We all like to get a little bit creative in the bedroom. Sure, the missionary position has it’s place, but whether it’s a special occasion or you just want to spice things up, other positions can take your sexual wellness to a whole new level. That said, if you don’t like certain positions, you can feel like something is wrong with you, but that doesn’t mean you should take your bedroom antics to the extreme. Some positions seem to pose such a threat to your wellbeing – we’re talking broken-penis high-risk here – that they’re just not worth it. Sex shouldn’t feel like you’re in the Hunger Games, so here’s a list of sex positions you can just stop attempting, guilt-free.
1. The Erotic Accordion: Sexual health and wellness writer Rebecca Santiago details, ‘Your lover lies on his back and lifts his knees toward his chest. Facing him, you squat down and straddle his legs so your thighs are hugging his. You are then supposed to somehow figure out a way to get this dude’s penis in contact with your vagina — I assume magnets must be involved? — and rock back and forth, not unlike the way I assume you are rocking back and forth in horror in front of your laptop screen right now. Look, I slammed my own hand in a cab door last week. I routinely walk into door frames. I broke a dish this morning, and I wasn’t even using dishes at the time. I do not have what it takes to make sweet, sweet thigh music with my beloved.’
2. The Girl-On-Top Squat: According to Santiago, ‘This move has sexier monikers, but I’m gonna call it like I see it. Anyway. Many janky online sources will reassure you that squatting over your partner’s penis a) gives him a great view of all your prettiest bits, and b) allows you to control the pace and depth of le bang. Which, sure, it totally does — for the three seconds before your thighs start burning and cramping and give out and you emit a horrible screechy yelp because coital Charlie horse and catapult down on his penis in a way that is either deeply satisfying for him or very, very painful. And there’s really no way to know which way you’re gonna catapult. Have you ever seen someone do a happy wall-sit?’
3. The Pile Driver: Urban Dictionary outlines this feels-as-bad-as-it-sounds move as a ‘sexual position when the woman is leaned on her bed to as where her shoulders are the only thing on the bed, the male can either sit on her or stand up and vertically penetrate the woman’s anus or vagina many times.’ [sic.] Santiago comments, ‘That thing I cannot stand to do in yoga, plus “many times”-worth of penetration. This sounds like a really comfortable and not even remotely dude-serving sex position. It will probably give you eleven orgasms. Just kidding.’
4. The Propeller: ‘The Propeller sex position requires the woman to lie on her back—legs outstretched and together,’ says Santiago. ‘The man lies on top of her but back-to-front so he’s facing her feet. Once he’s got himself inside he can make circular motions with his hips. Whoa there, reverse dude-on-top cowboy. Does this move operate under the pretence that your male partner’s schlong is already broken irrevocably from that time you Tilt-A-Whirl’ed out of your terribly uncomfortable straddle-squat? I have seen some penises in my day, but never one that bent at so disturbing an angle. You may as well call this “boom-boomerang.”’
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