Your friend’s husband has “friended” his ex on Facebook, or your sister’s boyfriend wants her to watch pornography with him. While these situations are easy to give an opinion on, it’s harder to think what to do when they happen to you. Everything’s more complicated when your own relationship wellness and emotional wellbeing is at stake, and so a sexuality counsellor and best-selling author, Ian Kerner, and director of the Sexual Health Promotion Lab at the University of Kentucky, Kristen Mark, set out to find out what people do in 50 different sex and relationship scenarios.
Of the near-5,000 respondents, more than half of participants didn’t view a Facebook connection between their significant other and his or her ex as a threat. However, at least a third would question them about it and 17% would ask their partner to “de-friend” the ex. According to Mark, ‘Relationships require more negotiation in this technological age around the “rules” of what is appropriate and respectful and what is not.’
So what about actual fidelity? In the case of a hypothetical one-night stand, 30% of us would admit to it straight away, but 30% would also keep the slip-up a secret. Sex therapist Megan Fleming advises, ‘The big question to ask yourself is, “Is telling your partner in his or her best interest – would they want to know, or are you just trying to make yourself feel better by getting it off your chest? If your partner would likely find out, I’ve found that almost universally, the preference is to hear it from you first.’
If you receive unwanted attention from someone else, you’re more likely to spill the beans. 45% of those polled said that if they received a sexual text message from their boss, they would reply with a message saying it was inappropriate, and 35% would either go directly to human resources to report it or would ignore it completely. Fleming comments, ‘I find these results surprising. I’d like to think that in 2013, people would feel empowered and comfortable to appropriately set boundaries and let their boss or any other co-worker know when they’ve crossed an unwanted and unacceptable line.’
However, on a lighter note, most participants were willing to try something new in the bedroom, with 70% being happy to accept a sex toy as a gift and integrate it into their relationship, and roughly the same number – both men and women – being game to watch porn with their partner, and to try something in bed that initially made them blush. Sex educator and entrepreneur Patty Brisben notes, ‘People want to keep things fresh and have new experiences in their intimate lives. You can build a house with a strong foundation, but if you don’t decorate it, it’s not going to be a very exciting place to live…If you arm yourself with knowledge and communicate openly, both partners can feel satisfied.’
