When your spouse tells you they want a divorce, can anything more damaging to your emotional health? Not only do you have to cope with the fact that the person you thought you’d spend your life with no longer feels the same; you also have a long stretch of difficult situations ahead of you. Therefore, it’s vital that you start actively protecting your wellbeing from the very beginning.
If you didn’t expect your partner to want a divorce, processing the information can put a strain on your wellness, especially as life doesn’t stop for you. You still have a job to go to every day as well as kids to look after. Plus, if your spouse is yet to move out you have to negotiate living with this person who you’re married to, but not married to for much longer. You must also realise that your spouse hasn’t just done this on a whim; he or she has been thinking about divorce for a while, and so has probably thought about what happens next. This means you have to get proactive:
1. Gather your support: Choose someone who will be able to go with you to the lawyer’s office, at least in the beginning. This friend or loved one can act as the sensible side of you until you attain better mental and emotional control. This person needs to act in your best interests, both from a place of love and logic. Normally this is a friend, rather than a family member, as they care about you but aren’t as emotionally tied as a parent or sibling. Next, pick out your secondary support system. This will most likely be immediate family, and closest friends.
2. Get the right mentality: If you ended things on good terms, then you need an amicable attitude, and most likely have one already. However, if your split was unexpected or there was abuse or infidelity involved, chances are you’ll have a battle on your hands, and you need to take on the mentality of a fighter. The way you handle things can have a big affect on the quality of your life afterwards.
3. Choose a lawyer: Again, if this is an amicable divorce with no children involved, you may be able to just use a mediator. If not, you need a good lawyer – and not your spouses’. Though your ex might tell you that using the same lawyer will save money, things will be easier, etc. your spouses’ lawyer most definitely will not be looking out for your best interests. You need a lawyer with whom you are comfortable. It might be helpful to take your main support person with you when you meet your lawyer, as this will help you determine if it’s a good fit. Also, your lawyer is not there to provide emotional support and will charge you for their time, so go in with a list of precise questions and leave the hand-holding to your support friend.
4. Sort out your finances: It’s very easy to make financial mistakes at this time, especially if you shared bank accounts or never had to worry about money before. Often in marriages one partner makes more money or takes care of accounts, budgeting etc. and if that partner wasn’t you then you have a lot to catch up on. Again, your initial support person can help you here, as they can prevent you making emotional purchases you cannot afford, as well as helping you wade through financial jargon, taxes, budgets and bills.
