One in every four women will be a victim of domestic violence in her lifetime, which impacts your emotional health long after the threat to your physical wellbeing has gone. The more concerning stats show that most women are afraid to report abuse, with only 25% of physical assaults and just 20% of rapes being reported to the police. However, according to Gunta Krumins, BA, PMP, author of The Detrimental Effects of Emotional Abuse, psychological or emotional abuse is even more underreported and harder to prove, which mean many women’s emotional wellness is at risk to this silent epidemic.
Krumins argues, ‘Emotional abuse is the silent monster in our midst, occurring in neighbours’ and loved ones’ homes more than we realise. It is a tragic situation that’s a daily reality for millions. A widespread illegal activity is being ignored when people are victimised in their own homes. What emotional abusers are doing to their victims is criminal and has to be stopped.’ While you may think of an emotional abuser as an obvious, out-and-out bully, often they are “silent monsters” that know precisely how to manipulate situations, and control, hurt and humiliate their victims, all the while appearing to be affectionate.
Krumins notes, ‘Emotional abuse is about someone manipulating your emotions on a psychological level, and it goes beyond simple verbal bullying.’ The abusive behaviour is readily explained away or excused by the abuser, but, make no mistake, they know exactly what they’re doing, says Krumins. ‘They’ve been perfecting what they do to people ever since they were little – and they chose to be this way,’ she adds. ‘They don’t want to change and they don’t care who they hurt as long as no one suspects them, and the situation works for them.’
The problem with emotional abuse is that it can be hard to spot, as it doesn’t leave any discernible scars. However, there are signs of emotional abuse – albeit subtle ones – and the best way to tackle the epidemic is by raising awareness. People who report suspected abuse often say that nothing seems obviously wrong, but they just had a sense that something seemed off. Your best friend’s new boyfriend seems too good to be true, for example, and you just don’t believe he has genuine affection for her. Krumins explains, ‘You may see or feel things that are off and start second-guessing yourself or making excuses for oddities. Trust your instincts. They’re usually right. And if you know what you’re looking for, you’ll be able to help your best friend.’
When you’re the one being emotionally abused, it’s hard to admit to other people that the supposed love of your life is hurting you. However, embarrassment is never a good enough reason to stay in a harmful relationship. When you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you can suffer feelings of conflict, grief, insecurity, feeling overwhelmingly stifled and that nothing you do or say is right or good enough. No matter what you try, be it standing up for yourself or telling the abuser exactly what he wants to hear, the abuse doesn’t readily ease up. Krumins comments, ‘This negative pressure will come at you in various forms, such as threatening, blaming, accusing, yelling, teasing and even laughing, and is applied 24/7 in extreme cases.’
Krumins urges, ‘As a victim, no matter what you are being told, you must know that it is not your fault and know that the abuser has no intention of changing. The only thing you can do is leave. Get someone to help you pack your bags and stay away from this person. Never go back. He means you harm.’ She adds, ‘As a community, we have to change our attitude toward emotional abuse. If we continue to ignore it or walk away from those who need our help, we just become enablers ourselves. We have to openly start challenging abusers and holding them accountable for their actions. Exposing the perpetrators of emotional abuse is the very least we can all do to help the victims.’
