The problem with good sex is that it’s not entirely within your control; your partner also has an impact. There are many articles on how you need to communicate with your partner to ensure your own sexual wellbeing, but what about him? Is your man simply after a “wham, bam, thank you Mam,” or do you need to be more sensitive to his emotional health? Guys often put on a performance in the bedroom instead of letting you know what’s really going on, which means you end up trying to please the actor rather than your partner’s true identity. Here are five things your man wished you knew about sex:
1. He responds to praise: You may think your man’s brain is in his trousers to the point where he isn’t self-conscious about sex, but this isn’t the case; guys are no different from women in the sexual confidence department – they need plenty of compliments just like we do. Whether your man delivers praise before you reach the bedroom (such as giving you a once-over and telling you how good you look) or afterwards (telling you how good you look naked), it’s a great feeling and he could use a bit of that boost too. Try to be forthcoming with the praise, particularly around areas you know he’s sensitive about.
2. He may fear intimacy, but not for the reason you think: Research has shown that, up until school age, boys are actually more affectionate and expressive than girls, but then social repression begins and guys start to bury their desire for human connection. It’s such a taboo for men to want intimacy that your partner’s hasty post-sex retreat may be more about his own shock at how much he craves a connection with you (and how much he’s denied it in life) than his general bloke-iness. Try to retreat a little yourself so that he has time to see that his boyhood habits are, in fact, perfectly manly.
3. Still, he does just like a bit of sex sometimes: Even though men do indeed crave intimacy just as much, if not more, than we do, sometimes he really is after a little “throw-me-down-sex” – and why the hell not? Joe Kort, PhD, a psychotherapist and sexologist, explains, ‘Men want their wives to enjoy raw sex, not just endure it or take it personally. For men, it’s not about dominating a woman, but ravishing her.’ Every now and then, let him ravish you – you might find you love it just as much as he does.
4. He’s more than just his equipment: Both men and women concentrate on the penis, but by doing so we’re missing out on many male erogenous zones. According to psychologist Melodie Schaefer, PsyD, ‘Men tend not to correct women because they’re afraid women will shut down and not touch them at all. But there are many places a woman should touch.’ Your man gets turned on by attention to his chest, inner thighs and face, while gently gripping his testicles can blend control with release and get him super-aroused. During oral sex, try stimulating the area between his scrotum and anus (the perineum) as this will also heighten the pleasure.
5. He’s up for a fantasy: Dr Kort notes, ‘Men want to share their fantasies but worry their wives will shame or judge them,’ and Dr Schaefer adds that your man probably wants to know what you’re dreaming about too. If you fancy spicing things up, make a sexy game out of it. Promising not to judge each other, write out scenarios that you think could be fun and put them in a hat. Then, when you’re next in the mood, pull one out and – if you’re both comfortable with it – give it a go. If the scenario doesn’t appeal, get the person to explain what it is about the fantasy they like (again, don’t judge). You might be able to come up with a sexy compromise.
