7 Secrets to Men’s Sexual Needs You’d Never Expect

You may think your partner is pretty simple when it comes to sex, but men actually have a lot more going on behind that “wham, bam, thank you mam,” façade. Here is everything your guy wishes you knew about his sexual wellbeing:

 

1. He Responds to Praise: According to sexual health and wellness writer Brendan Tapley, ‘It’s believed that men are so consumed by our libido that we have no self-consciousness surrounding sex. But men are no different from women when it comes to compliments as catalysts for sexual confidence. This praise can be delivered before reaching the bedroom (give us the once-over and tell us how buff we look), and after (give us the once-over and tell us how buff we look naked). Along those lines, men worry about the size of their guts (and other measurable organs), their hair (or lack thereof) and other attributes. Try to be extra affirming about those sensitivities.’

 

2. He Fears Intimacy…But Not for the Reason You Think: Tapley details, ‘Studies have shown that boys are more affectionate, even more expressive, than girls until they reach school age. At that time, social repression begins—of words, thoughts, feelings—and our desire for human connection goes underground. So taboo is this desire for intimacy that its possibility can terrify men—not because it’s smothering, but because we realise how desperate we are for it. What’s a woman to do? First, understand that your guy’s hasty retreat post-sex may be about his own shock at how much he craves a connection with you (and how much he’s denied it in life). Then, retreat a little yourself. This gives him time to see that his boyhood habits are, in fact, perfectly manly.’

 

3. He Appreciates Sex for Sex’s Sake: Psychotherapist and sexologist Joe Kort, PhD, notes, ‘Men want their wives to enjoy raw sex, not just endure it or take it personally. For men, it’s not about dominating a woman, but ravishing her.’

 

4. He’s Not Just His Penis: Men have ‘many erogenous zones,’ says psychologist Melodie Schaefer, PsyD. ‘Men tend not to correct women because they’re afraid women will shut down and not touch them at all. But there are many places a woman should touch.’ Tapley advises touching ‘the chest, the inner thighs and face. Two other key areas: Gently gripping a man’s testicles can be a real turn-on, as it blends control with release. Also, stimulating the perineum, the area between the scrotum and anus, will heighten pleasure during oral sex.’

 

5. He Encourages Fantasies: Dr. Kort points out, ‘Men want to share their fantasies but worry their wives will shame or judge them.’ Tapley adds, ‘Men wish women would reveal their imaginings. Want to open yourself to these possibilities? Try making a game of it. First, and most important, promise not to judge the other; then, privately write out scenarios that have tantalized you and place them in a box. When you are next intimate, pull one out. If you’re both comfortable, give it a shot. If not, [ask] the author a key question: What about this fantasy do you like? Sometimes, its themes can be addressed in different, more comfortable scenarios.’

 

6. He Likes It When You Talk: ‘Talking during sex stimulates more than our ears,’ Tapley explains. ‘What kind of talk? Dirty, praising and instructive are great starts. As amusing as it may sound, a woman’s words can make a guy feel as potent and virile as a Roman gladiator, even if he’s a suburban banker.’

 

7. He Needs Your Honesty: Tapley comments, ‘Sex can solve the stresses of a relationship, but it’s often where the stresses show up. If we complain about a lack of sex (or your doing certain things only on our birthday), we may be overlooking serious issues that underpin such withholding. We need you to enlighten us. The male ego is often tied to sex, so it’s easy for us to dismiss bedroom problems as female disinterest rather than issues we have a part in. Avoiding these problems, however, only perpetuates your feeling unseen and our frustration.’

Categories: Dirty Talk, Fantasies, Intimacy, nbsp, sexual, tapley, woman, Women

How to Improve Your Partner’s Performance in the Bedroom

When your man underperforms in the bedroom, you can be left wondering what to do. According to sexual health and wellness writer Holly C. Corbett, Talking about his bedroom problems can be incredibly awkward, but for the sake of your relationship—and for maximum personal pleasure—it’s worth it…Working through these situations will help you turn a mortifying moment into a mind-blowing sex life.’ So which of his little issues are impacting your sexual wellbeing, and how do you fix them?

 

1. He Comes Too Soon: Sex therapist Bill Bercaw, co-author of the upcoming From the Living Room to the Bedroom: The Modern Couple’s Guide to Sexual Abundance and Lasting Intimacy, explains, ‘His fear of coming too soon causes him to clench his pelvic muscles, which accelerates him toward the point of no return. The key to getting more in sync is to help him learn how to relax…Try experimenting with different positions to find the ones that make him last longer. Female on top is great for women because there’s direct clitoral stimulation, which most women need to orgasm, and you get to control the thrusting.’ Corbett adds, ‘Press pause on the thrusting action when he’s nearing his peak to give him a break as he keeps stimulating you with his fingers or tongue. Then start up again and keep pausing intercourse until you both are ready to finish. Not only will this help sex last longer, it will also help him develop more control over his ejaculatory response.’

 

2. His Size Kind of Does Matter: Corbett points out, ‘The average erect penis is between 5.1 and 5.8 inches long. If your guy comes up a little short, try doing it doggie style: It will make you feel fuller because his penis will be hitting your G-spot, and he can also stimulate your clitoris with his hand to help you get there.’ Ginger Bercaw, wife of Bill and the other co-author of From the Living Room to the Bedroom, suggests, ‘On your end, the vagina is a muscle that can be tightened to help increase your arousal, so try strengthening your pelvic floor by doing kegels.’

 

3. He Can’t Get (or Keep) It Up: ‘Many women feel inadequate or rejected when their man can’t get it up, but his erection or lack thereof is not about you,’ says Bill. ‘Tell him what you want him to do with you that does not require an erection. This demonstrates that having a satisfying sex life is not solely dependent on his erection, which could help shift his focus away from what his penis is doing.’

 

4. He Suffers Low Libido: Ginger asserts, ‘The best kept sex secret in America is male low desire. Women are ashamed to talk about it because they feel inadequate, and men also feel ashamed out of fear that they’re not keeping up with their lover’s expectations. Many of us think we shouldn’t have to talk about sex because we want it to work naturally, but talking about it is the only way to improve your sex life. Tell him you love making love to him and want to find a number or a range that you both can agree upon. Flexibility is key, so say you’re shooting for two to three times a week, with the lower number being the minimum of what you’re okay with and the max number being an excellent week.’

 

5. You’re Uncomfortable with His Sex Fantasy: Corbett comments, ‘Few things are more awkward than when your guy makes like Adam from HBO’s Girls and asks you to do kinky things, like pretending to be an underage girl. If he springs an idea that feels degrading or makes you uncomfortable, wait a second…Talking about fantasies before playing them out is key. Because it’s a risk to share what’s going on inside your head, that shared vulnerability can bring you closer. Of course talking doesn’t mean you have to play out the fantasy, but you may consider meeting in the middle.’

Categories: bedroom, corbett, Fantasies, feel inadequate, living room, low libido, nbsp, sex life, sexual performance, talking, Women

Sexual Fantasies: What’s Going on in Your Imagination?

They say that, for a healthy sex life, there’s no harm in a bit of fantasising, and sharing those fantasies with you partner. But what exactly are sexual fantasies, how do they occur and how to they impact your sexual health and wellbeing? The Sinclair Intimacy Institute states, ‘Sexual fantasy refers to the mental image of a person, object, or situation, often but certainly not always involving a sexual component. Human sexuality is a dimension of social life that is often rich with many different sorts of fantasies. Sexual fantasies often entail mental scenarios involving persons other than one’s regular partner and include sexual activities considered culturally inappropriate or unacceptable.’

 

So why do some people have multiple, complicated sexual fantasies, while others don’t fantasise at all? According to the Sinclair Intimacy Institute, ‘People vary considerably in their ability to fantasise and in their enjoyment of this behaviour. Fantasies may supplant reality for some or may serve as a poor substitute of sexual reality for others. Fantasies are often triggered by external stimuli, such as an attractive stranger or an erotic picture, movie, or story.’ If looking at erotica, then, is a main trigger of sexual fantasies, does that mean that men are more likely to have outrageous sexual fantasies than women? Let’s take a look at the gender differences in sexual fantasies:

 

1. Male Sexual Fantasies: ‘In Western societies, males more often use sexually explicit material as a part of fantasy,’ the Sinclair Intimacy Institute explains. ‘The male fantasy world relies heavily upon novel experiences filled with culturally-defined beautiful women who are always sexually available and free. Pornographic magazines such as Playboy and Penthouse, as well as a wide array of so-called harder publications (because they depict explicit sex acts), attempt to capitalize upon such fantasies.’

 

2. Female Sexual Fantasies: ‘Females are more likely to prefer erotica with a “softer,” more imaginative side rather than the “harder,” more explicit forms preferred by many males,’ says the Sinclair Intimacy Institute. ‘Women often base their fantasies upon previous sexual experiences and tend to emphasize romance and intimacy. The onset of the women’s liberation movement has created a renaissance in erotic fiction aimed at women by women writers and film makers.’ In fact, in her book Women On Top, Nancy Friday maintains that women have started a sexual revolution for equality and should implement it with a rich fantasy life.

 

So when are you more likely to fantasise? The Sinclair Intimacy Institute notes, ‘People generally fantasise when engaging in autoerotic sex or masturbation. In his research findings, the prominent sexologist Alfred C. Kinsey reported that fantasy accompanied masturbation for the majority (64%) of females and virtually all males. About 2% of the women in his study sample reported achieving orgasm by fantasy alone. Older females were more prone to fantasise than younger females. Some people, particularly but not solely those from rural areas, have fantasies about sexual contact with animals.’

 

So if you have a fantasy about a particular sexual practice or activity, does that mean you want that fantasy to become reality? The Sinclair Intimacy Institute argues, ‘While fantasy may enhance actual sexual practices, it should not be assumed that a fantasised behaviour represents an unconscious desire. Thus, some women fantasise about being overpowered or even raped by a man, but this does not mean they actually want to be raped. Similarly, some men fantasise about multiple sexual partners, but would find it emotionally difficult to maintain several simultaneous relationships.’ Fantasies, then, are a way to explore your sexuality within the safety of your own imagination, so you don’t necessarily have to try them out in real life.

Categories: Fantasies, fantasies nbsp, fantasy, Intimacy, intimacy institute, men, sexual, sexual fantasies, sinclair intimacy, Women

Throw Out the Rulebook: Doing What YOU Want During Sex

Why do you let other people’s rules dictate your sexual wellbeing? If you want to initiate sex, have a quickie or share your fantasies, you shouldn’t let some sort of silly rule get in the way. Here are the old rules for sexual wellness, as well as some experts’ and readers’ take on why they’re complete rubbish.

 

1. The best sex lasts for hours: Sure, people say they want to “go all night” but in truth, great sex can be as short – or as long – as you want. I mean, who has the time for hours and hours of sex on a regular basis? Life gets in the way of your sexual health sometimes – that’s just the way of it – so you need to grab opportunities for great sex whenever you can find them. Elizabeth, 36, notes, ‘Fast sex can be amazing. Maybe we have 10 minutes before the kids come home, or five minutes in the kitchen before guests arrive – suddenly we’re discovering how to have sex on the big chopping-block island, and it’s very exciting.’ If you’re thinking you can have satisfaction out of a quickie, sex therapist Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of She Comes First, points out, ‘When women masturbate, they’re often able to achieve orgasms quite quickly. So there’s no reason why they shouldn’t sometimes be able to experience arousal as quickly as men during partner sex.’ Just don’t be afraid to take charge and do whatever you know you need to have an orgasm.

 

2. He makes the first move: This is silly; it’s perfectly ok for you to pounce on him once in a while – in fact, he’d love it! Kerner argues, ‘Men love women taking the lead. In fact, in this post-Sex and the City era, they’re expecting that kind of empowerment.’ Jenny, 35, recalls, ‘My husband is always the one to tug me toward the bedroom, and I’ve come to rely on his actions to get my motor running, but one evening, after putting the baby to bed, I walked up to my husband, grabbed his collar with both hands and pulled him in for the kiss of a lifetime – including full-body press and roving hands. He was so turned on by my assertiveness, the sex was amazing. That role swap was like an erotic awakening for both of us.’ Joy Davidson, PhD, a New York City sex therapist and author of Fearless Sex, enthuses, ‘Becoming the initiator is a very sexy and powerful feeling that no woman should miss out on.’

 

3. Fantasies belong in your head: You may feel a little bit embarrassed about your naughty thoughts, but sharing fantasies can be a great way to connect with your partner in and out of the bedroom. Kerner admits, ‘People worry about being judged: Am I normal? Is she going to think I’m a freak?’ but sharing your fantasies can open you both up to new ideas, and fuel your libido in the process. Patti Britton, PhD, certified sex educator and co-author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Sensual Massage, adds, ‘Plus, it’s an excellent way to create real intimacy and trust.’ Start by reading and looking at erotica together, Kerner recommends: ‘Once you’re comfortable discussing your turn-ons through other people’s fantasies, then you can begin to explore your own.’ Christine, 34, comments, ‘I was scared to suggest we share our secret sexual thoughts. I didn’t have those racy scenarios of dirty doctor and innocent nurse or the lusty librarian, and it made me feel so tame. One night, though, I started dreamily saying to my husband, “Wouldn’t it be so nice if we were in a cabana on some tropical island…” and he picked it up with something like, “…and our skin is so warm and toasty and I kiss you under the sun.” We both added lines to the tale, creating the most sensual, sexy story, that it got us both fired up.’

Categories: Fantasies, Initiating Sex, kerner, nbsp, people, quickie, sex therapist, sexual, sexual fantasies

How to Give Yourself a Better Sex Life in Four Simple Steps

A good sex life is important for your emotional health, as well as all areas of your wellbeing, but as we’re British, it can be difficult to talk about sex, or get the help we need to make it better. There’s no shame in trying to better understand your needs or those of your partner, and there are plenty of simple solutions to physically and emotionally enhancing your sexual wellness.

 

1. Understand your sexual needs, and communicate them to your partner.

If you’ve been in a relationship for a while, you’ll have realised just how vital communication is. This is no less true when it comes to sex, but it can be embarrassing to talk about what you want, or you may be worried about your partner’s feelings. You might assume your partner knows what you like in the bedroom, or you might not want to mention it if something doesn’t feel as good. This means you’ll have the same dreary sex life for years to come – unless you talk about it. Be honest about what works for you and what doesn’t, but do it in a way that will make you feel comfortable. This often involves using humour to ease the tension, as well as being honest and open to new ideas.

 

2. Try kegel exercises.

The pubococcygeus (PC), which controls urine flow and contracts during orgasm in both men and women, is a muscle that works like any other; strengthening exercises will improve its function. There is a link between having a toned PC muscle and more intense orgasms, and performing kegel exercises can get you there. To find this magical muscle, see if you can start and stop the flow of your urine next time you’re on the loo (the PC muscle is the one that stops the flow). Then, try to tighten and hold this muscle for a slow count of three, or mix it up and try quick kegels by tightening and relaxing the muscle as rapidly as you can. This will gradually help you to gain more control and, as a result, better orgasms.

 

3. Masturbate.

Masturbating will help you to understand your body, which is information you can pass on to your partner. Plus, as a woman, you’re more likely to have an orgasm from self-pleasuring than intercourse. Start by masturbating until you feel your breathing increase, want to go very fast and want to thrust your pelvis. At this point, don’t aim for an orgasm but instead, stop and experience things for one or two minutes. After this, use light stroking and the kegels you have learned to stimulate yourself again, and then let yourself do whatever you wish!

 

4. Let your imagination run wild.

You may not think you have any sexual fantasies but everyone is capable of them, and they are the most common form of sexual expression. According to their wealth of research, psychologists Harold Leitenberg and Kris Henning have noted the most popular sexual fantasies around, so why not consider these sexy scenarios?

 

• Your current partner: It sounds weird but this is the most common fantasy! Just thinking about sex and feeling aroused is a fantasy, so why wouldn’t you imagine what you’d get up to with your current partner – you might be able to bring that fantasy into reality!

 

• A stranger or imaginary lover: This involves a sexual partner who will do wonderful things to you without being asked and with no strings attached.

 

• Romance novel sex: A lot of women fantasise about being taken against their will – in a way of being “won over” by a strong, passionate man rather than violent abuse. The force used is just enough to get a high level of excitement.

 

• Different locations: A new place, be it in the great outdoors or at the office, gives you the excitement of being naughty.

Categories: current partner, Fantasies, Kegel Exercises, masturbation, Muscle, nbsp, partner, pc muscle, sex life, sexual, sexual fantasies

Five Things Your Man Wishes You Knew About Sex

The problem with good sex is that it’s not entirely within your control; your partner also has an impact. There are many articles on how you need to communicate with your partner to ensure your own sexual wellbeing, but what about him? Is your man simply after a “wham, bam, thank you Mam,” or do you need to be more sensitive to his emotional health? Guys often put on a performance in the bedroom instead of letting you know what’s really going on, which means you end up trying to please the actor rather than your partner’s true identity. Here are five things your man wished you knew about sex:

 

1. He responds to praise: You may think your man’s brain is in his trousers to the point where he isn’t self-conscious about sex, but this isn’t the case; guys are no different from women in the sexual confidence department – they need plenty of compliments just like we do. Whether your man delivers praise before you reach the bedroom (such as giving you a once-over and telling you how good you look) or afterwards (telling you how good you look naked), it’s a great feeling and he could use a bit of that boost too. Try to be forthcoming with the praise, particularly around areas you know he’s sensitive about.

 

2. He may fear intimacy, but not for the reason you think: Research has shown that, up until school age, boys are actually more affectionate and expressive than girls, but then social repression begins and guys start to bury their desire for human connection. It’s such a taboo for men to want intimacy that your partner’s hasty post-sex retreat may be more about his own shock at how much he craves a connection with you (and how much he’s denied it in life) than his general bloke-iness. Try to retreat a little yourself so that he has time to see that his boyhood habits are, in fact, perfectly manly.

 

3. Still, he does just like a bit of sex sometimes: Even though men do indeed crave intimacy just as much, if not more, than we do, sometimes he really is after a little “throw-me-down-sex” – and why the hell not? Joe Kort, PhD, a psychotherapist and sexologist, explains, ‘Men want their wives to enjoy raw sex, not just endure it or take it personally. For men, it’s not about dominating a woman, but ravishing her.’ Every now and then, let him ravish you – you might find you love it just as much as he does.

 

4. He’s more than just his equipment: Both men and women concentrate on the penis, but by doing so we’re missing out on many male erogenous zones. According to psychologist Melodie Schaefer, PsyD, ‘Men tend not to correct women because they’re afraid women will shut down and not touch them at all. But there are many places a woman should touch.’ Your man gets turned on by attention to his chest, inner thighs and face, while gently gripping his testicles can blend control with release and get him super-aroused. During oral sex, try stimulating the area between his scrotum and anus (the perineum) as this will also heighten the pleasure.

 

5. He’s up for a fantasy: Dr Kort notes, ‘Men want to share their fantasies but worry their wives will shame or judge them,’ and Dr Schaefer adds that your man probably wants to know what you’re dreaming about too. If you fancy spicing things up, make a sexy game out of it. Promising not to judge each other, write out scenarios that you think could be fun and put them in a hat. Then, when you’re next in the mood, pull one out and – if you’re both comfortable with it – give it a go. If the scenario doesn’t appeal, get the person to explain what it is about the fantasy they like (again, don’t judge). You might be able to come up with a sexy compromise.

Categories: Fantasies, Intimacy, judge, men, nbsp, partner, praise, Women