How to Improve Your Partner’s Performance in the Bedroom

When your man underperforms in the bedroom, you can be left wondering what to do. According to sexual health and wellness writer Holly C. Corbett, Talking about his bedroom problems can be incredibly awkward, but for the sake of your relationship—and for maximum personal pleasure—it’s worth it…Working through these situations will help you turn a mortifying moment into a mind-blowing sex life.’ So which of his little issues are impacting your sexual wellbeing, and how do you fix them?

 

1. He Comes Too Soon: Sex therapist Bill Bercaw, co-author of the upcoming From the Living Room to the Bedroom: The Modern Couple’s Guide to Sexual Abundance and Lasting Intimacy, explains, ‘His fear of coming too soon causes him to clench his pelvic muscles, which accelerates him toward the point of no return. The key to getting more in sync is to help him learn how to relax…Try experimenting with different positions to find the ones that make him last longer. Female on top is great for women because there’s direct clitoral stimulation, which most women need to orgasm, and you get to control the thrusting.’ Corbett adds, ‘Press pause on the thrusting action when he’s nearing his peak to give him a break as he keeps stimulating you with his fingers or tongue. Then start up again and keep pausing intercourse until you both are ready to finish. Not only will this help sex last longer, it will also help him develop more control over his ejaculatory response.’

 

2. His Size Kind of Does Matter: Corbett points out, ‘The average erect penis is between 5.1 and 5.8 inches long. If your guy comes up a little short, try doing it doggie style: It will make you feel fuller because his penis will be hitting your G-spot, and he can also stimulate your clitoris with his hand to help you get there.’ Ginger Bercaw, wife of Bill and the other co-author of From the Living Room to the Bedroom, suggests, ‘On your end, the vagina is a muscle that can be tightened to help increase your arousal, so try strengthening your pelvic floor by doing kegels.’

 

3. He Can’t Get (or Keep) It Up: ‘Many women feel inadequate or rejected when their man can’t get it up, but his erection or lack thereof is not about you,’ says Bill. ‘Tell him what you want him to do with you that does not require an erection. This demonstrates that having a satisfying sex life is not solely dependent on his erection, which could help shift his focus away from what his penis is doing.’

 

4. He Suffers Low Libido: Ginger asserts, ‘The best kept sex secret in America is male low desire. Women are ashamed to talk about it because they feel inadequate, and men also feel ashamed out of fear that they’re not keeping up with their lover’s expectations. Many of us think we shouldn’t have to talk about sex because we want it to work naturally, but talking about it is the only way to improve your sex life. Tell him you love making love to him and want to find a number or a range that you both can agree upon. Flexibility is key, so say you’re shooting for two to three times a week, with the lower number being the minimum of what you’re okay with and the max number being an excellent week.’

 

5. You’re Uncomfortable with His Sex Fantasy: Corbett comments, ‘Few things are more awkward than when your guy makes like Adam from HBO’s Girls and asks you to do kinky things, like pretending to be an underage girl. If he springs an idea that feels degrading or makes you uncomfortable, wait a second…Talking about fantasies before playing them out is key. Because it’s a risk to share what’s going on inside your head, that shared vulnerability can bring you closer. Of course talking doesn’t mean you have to play out the fantasy, but you may consider meeting in the middle.’

Categories: bedroom, corbett, Fantasies, feel inadequate, living room, low libido, nbsp, sex life, sexual performance, talking, Women

Make Sex Normal: Are You Comfortable Talking About It?

Is sex still a taboo subject today? Absolutely. While you may think that sex is prominent in the media, we still seem to have trouble talking or even thinking about it. Enter Debby Herbenick, PHD, a sexual health educator at the Kinsey Institute who has created a new website called Make Sex Normal, in order to get us talking comfortably about sex. According to Herbenick, when you can talk about sex, you’ll see major wellness benefits in your relationships, health, and of course, desire.

 

Herbenick, who is the author of books such as Sex Made Easy and Great In Bed, is used to bringing up the bedroom on a daily basis. ‘My colleagues and I joke about how normal and mundane all of this stuff is in our lives,’ she says. ‘What that does for all of us is we’ve become more comfortable over time and it impacts our personal lives. It’s easier for us to talk about sex with our partners and bring up sex issues that we might have with our doctors.’ Herbenick points out that many physical and psychological issues impact your sex life, and so voicing bedroom problems to your doctor can help you find a diagnosis and a solution. But what are her top tips for making sex normal?

 

1. Baby Steps: Herbenick asserts, ‘There’s a whole menu out there when it comes to sex…Everyone has to figure out where their starting place is and push themselves just a little outside their comfort zone.’ To help you figure out your starting place, Casey Gueren, Associate Editor at Womens Health, suggests, ‘Make a list of all the sexual things you’re curious about, interested in trying, or already know that you like…If you know what gets you off, it’ll be way easier to communicate that to your guy.’

 

2. Read Erotica…In Public: Gueren notes, ‘If the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon taught us anything, it’s that lit-erotica is a great way to get women thinking and talking about sex. So don’t let the trend end with Christian Grey—pick up a few sex books…and read them on the train or in the coffee shop.’ Herbenick explains that reading sex books in public ‘may help you feel more comfortable and confident in your sexual skin, and it also sends a message to everyone around you that sex is a regular part of life.’ However, if that’s a little too scary for your liking, try putting a different cover on your sex book or read it on your kindle – you’ll still feel that little bit naughty.

 

3. Shop Sexier: ‘Even though you can purchase sex toys and find porn from the privacy of your computer, there’s something to be said for visiting a sex shop,’ Gueren comments. ‘You can go solo, with girlfriends, or with your partner—whatever you’re most comfortable with. The important thing is just to set foot in the store. Not only will it put you in a sexual space that you might normally shy away from, but it also gives you the opportunity to explore new things and learn from sex educators who often work at the shops.’

 

4. Plan a Sexy Date: Herbenick advises finding ways to talk to your partner about sex before you even get to the bedroom, such as emailing him an article about a hot new position or visiting a sex museum together. She asserts, ‘It gives you a chance to talk about it so you’re not just whipping out a sex toy.’ Moreover, according to a study in the Journal of Sex Research, experimenting sexually leads to greater relationship satisfaction and intimacy.

Categories: comfortable, Communication, erotica, herbenick, nbsp, sex books, sex normal, sex shop, talk, talking

How to Prevent Your Partner from Talking in Their Sleep

You may love your partner more than life itself, but when you wake up in the middle of the night because of their incessant sleep talking; loving your partner becomes a little bit harder. Sleep has a very close connection to your wellbeing, being related to your physical and mental health. Plus, if your partner is keeping you from your much-needed eight hours a night, the wellness of your relationship could also be at stake! So, how do you get your partner to keep sch-tum when you’re sleeping?

 

When your partner suffers from somniloquy, or sleep talking, they have no control over what they say and can say things they wouldn’t otherwise when conscious. When you tell you partner about it, or the things they’ve said, they can often be quite shocked as they don’t remember doing it, may have used different voices or language to that which they usually use. This sleep talking may have been spontaneous, or induced by something you’ve said. Though it does no harm to your partner, you may be at risk of sleep deprivation, as well as the emotional impact of having someone you love say unusual things, or even yell out during the night.

 

Sleep talking can be caused by a number of factors, including stress, depression, fever, sleep deprivation, daytime drowsiness, medications and alcohol. There may be a hereditary element involved, but often it’s external factors that seem to stimulate the behaviour. Underlying sleep conditions, such as sleep apnoea, make your partner more prone to talk in their sleep because they often fail to sleep soundly. Sleep talking rarely requires treatment, but your partner should seek medical attention if the episodes become very frequent, emotional, aggressive, abusive or dramatic. Your partner should keep a sleep diary, so that the doctor can see their sleep patterns over the course of two weeks. The diary should include bedtimes, the approximate time your partner fell asleep and woke up, any medicines your partner takes and when they’re taken, working hours, stress levels, exercise undertaken, and any drinks consumed.

 

Here are a few techniques that can keep your partner’s lips zipped after bedtime:

 

1. Get enough sleep. Your partner is more likely to sleep talk if they’re sleep-deprived.

 

2. Develop a relaxing pre-sleep habit. Your partner could try having a warm bath or a light bedtime snack before bed, drinking warm milk, listening to soft music or reading for 10 minutes.

 

3. Listen to your body. Your partner should only go to bed when they feel sleepy.

 

4. Avoid things that will interrupt your sleep. Your partner should avoid TV, smoking, heavy meals, caffeine and alcohol at bedtime.

 

5. Create the right environment. Your bedroom needs to be set up in a way that endorses sleep, so make sure it’s as quiet and cosy as possible.

 

6. Reduce stress. Practising simple exercises, stretches or yoga poses on a regular basis can help your partner to reduce daily stress levels, and sleep better as a result.

 

7. Stick to a routine. Your partner should maintain a regular schedule for meals, medications, chores, and other activities.

 

8. Eat the right foods. Tryptophan increases your body’s level of serotonin, which helps you to feel good and get to sleep more easily. Therefore, your partner should eat plenty of tryptophan-fuelled foods, such as wheat germ, cottage cheese, milk, eggs, and almonds.

 

9. Avoid taking sleeping pills. While sleeping pills may help with the odd episode of restless sleep, most doctors avoid prescribing them for periods longer than three weeks.

 

10. Block out the distractions. You can help your partner sleep better and talk less by getting them some earplugs, or something to create white noise, such as a fan. Just in case these tips don’t work, you might want to invest in some ear plugs for yourself too!

Categories: bedtime nbsp, Causes, nbsp, partner, prevention, sleep, sleep deprivation, Sleep Talking, sleeping pills, Stress Levels, talking

How to Have a Great Sex Life When You’re Over 60

It may surprise younger people to learn this, but sexual wellness and wellbeing can be just as strong in the over 60s as in the under 30s. There is no rule that says that when you get to a certain age you have to stop having sex, and recent research has even found that those who are over the age of 65 may be having far more sex than anyone realises.

 

A study, published recently, found that more than a quarter of those who were over the age of 70 reported that they had had sex in the past year, and – perhaps even more surprisingly for that generation – more than half of people aged between 57 and 75 said that they had either given or received oral sex recently. In addition to this, around a third of 75 – 85 year olds had given or received oral sex in the past year.

 

It is true that sexual activity does tend to diminish as people get older, but this is not due to a decrease in sexual desire. It is mostly due to health issues that occur as people get older, which can result in couples being less sexually active than they used to be.

 

Even in this day and age, when attitudes towards sex can seem somewhat flippant, talking about sexual habits is still considered a taboo subject. This is even more the case with older generations, who are so used to not talking about the subject. Many people over a certain age will not even consider talking to their spouses about sexual problems, let alone a doctor.

 

This is part of the reason that many seniors who struggle with sexual problems end up suffering from social withdrawal and depression, because they are unable to talk about it. Others may find that a doctor could change a medication if it is causing serious sexual side effects.

Categories: nbsp, oral sex, over 60, people, received oral, seniors, Sex, sexual, sexual problems, talking, year

How Can You Discuss Your Sexual Needs As A Woman?

Female sexual health, in the same way as men’s, focuses on emotional as well as the physical side. If you want to achieve a healthy and satisfying sex life, you need to remember that it doesn’t happen overnight – it takes time to realise what you want out of sex and honest communication. Although talking about sex can be tricky and sometimes embarrassing, there’s no need to feel awkward about it. Discussing your wants and needs from the bedroom is vital in order to achieve a healthy sex life with your partner. Most people are under the impression that sex begins with a physical desire, which moves on to arousal and then an orgasm. This may be the case for men, but women are programmed differently. Women are motivated by their emotions firstly in many cases, and this changes how they approach sex as a whole. For some women, the pleasure of an arousal is enough whereas others seek the orgasm. You need to know what you want from sex in order to know what to ask for when you’re talking to your partner. But once you do know, the conversation is ready to be approached with your partner.

So how do you talk about it? Sharing your thoughts and expectations surrounding you sexual experiences can help you feel closer to your partner and can increase the intimacy between you both. In fact you’ll probably both enjoy the sexual experience all the more. To begin with admit your discomfort. If you’re feeling anxious about it say so – begin honest is vital here. You need to open up about your concerns before you embark on this conversation so that you and your partner know what you’re trying to tackle within the conversation. Then it’s as simple as start talking. Once you begin talking you’ll find that the anxiety dissipates and your confidence levels will grow. Set a time limit though so that you don’t overwhelm each other with a lengthy discussion. Perhaps devote a 15 minute limit to the topic which may also help you to stay within your emotional comfort zones. Talking regularly with your partner makes these conversations easier and more honest, as you won’t be restricted by anxiety or worry. You could even invite your partner to read a book or watch an online video about the topics you’d like to discuss so that you’re both on the same page when it comes to the topic itself.

 

There are many topics which you may feel you want to raise with your partner such as how much time you’re both setting aside for intimacy or if the romance is missing from your relationship. What gives you both mutual and individual enjoyment in bed? You need to be open to hearing your partner’s requests, as well as having your requests heard. It can be easy to settle into comfort and routine, but you need to be aware of when that shifts from a routine to a rut. If your sex life has become predictable, what changes can you make to spice things up? Remind each other of the opportunities for emotional closeness as well as physical – sex is more than just intercourse. You’ll no doubt have differing opinions on what constitutes a good sex life, but exploring those ideas together can heighten your enjoyment of sex – the first step to it all is talking about it and airing your views and needs.

Categories: Communication, life, partner, Sex, sex life, sexual, talking, time, Women

Talk Dirty to Me: Discussing Turn-Ons and Turn-Offs

As a nation, we may be more comfortable with seeing sex displayed in the media, but we still don’t like to talk about it. Communication is intrinsic to your sexual wellbeing, not to mention your relationship wellness! Not only is it important to cover sexual health issues like using contraception, you also need to talk to your partner about what you like and don’t like in the bedroom department. If you don’t discuss your turn-ons and turn-offs, things are never going to improve. Plus, believe it or not, talking about sex can, itself, be very sexy, and even enhance your relationship.

 

Talking about your turn-ons is a great way to get the sex conversation rolling. It can be tough to open up about the things you don’t like, or more boring-but-essential topics like protection and testing, so sharing sexy chat helps to get things started – and it could improve your experience of sex together. Many people seem to have the notion that everyone is the same when it comes to sex, but this simply isn’t true. Every individual has their own likes and dislikes in the bedroom, and it can take a long time – and a few mistakes – to figure out what works for you and your partner. If you’re committed to one another, no one is going to walk out when the other makes mistakes, and exploring and learning about each other is part of the fun. However, the problem comes when your partner continues to do something you don’t like, and you suffer in silence.

 

Your partner is not a mind-reader, and so may be going along for years thinking he’s getting you hot-and-heavy, when really you’re counting down the minutes until it’s over. In a similar vein, there may be something you’re dying to try, but your partner isn’t going to magically guess the things you want and start doing them. You can save a lot of time by just telling your partner what you want, and asking them if there’s anything they might like you to do. The best way to approach the conversation is to ask them about their turn-ons first, and then tell them something you’d be interested in trying. Just stick to one or two things during each conversation, as otherwise it could all get a bit much.

 

The good thing about opening up about your turn-ons in a conversation outside of the bedroom – rather than trying to get things going during sex – is that you can cover any worries you or your partner might have about the thing in question. Trying new things, although exciting, may be daunting, so talking about things beforehand will reassure you both about what will happen during sex and it’ll stay exciting. This may sound like a bit of a mood killer, but it’s actually quite the opposite! Instead of killing the romance of spontaneity, talking about sex can be quite a turn-on itself and a good way to get in the mood.

 

As well as talking about turn-ons outside of the bedroom, it’s better to talk about turn-offs before you start having sex than having to deal with them during sex. After all, would you like your partner to start criticising when you’re naked and vulnerable? Again, you may think this kills the romance, but even talking about your turn-offs can be quite saucy and a good laugh. Make sure you approach this subject from a place of love, non-judgement and good humour. Listing the things you both dislike may be hard to hear at first, but it will ultimately help you grow closer together – both in and out of the bedroom.

Categories: bedroom, Communication, nbsp, partner, talking, turn, turn-offs, turn-ons

Silent Sufferers: Should Cancer Patients Talk About Pain?

It may sound surprising, and counterintuitive, but many cancer patients don’t tell their doctors about pain they’re experiencing from their disease. Eugenie Obbens, MD, acting chief of the Pain and Palliative Care Service at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Centre in New York City says that it goes as far as patients having to be really ‘taught that they should speak up if they have pain.’ But why suffer in silence when your wellness could improve with speaking up?

Eduardo Bruera, MD, chair of the Department of Palliative Care and Rehabilitation Medicine at University of Texas M. D. Anderson Cancer Center in Houston, surmises that patients may know that they only have so much time in a doctor’s appointment, and want the focus to be on being the disease, rather than the pain it causes, ‘so they may make less reference to pain, fatigue, and depression that they’re feeling.’

He adds that patients tend to want to delay medication so that they feel the benefit when the pain gets really bad. He says, ‘If the pain does continue to escalate, we do have very effective treatments down the line. We need to reassure them that we have multiple medications and treatments and that we are not concerned about dealing with the pain later, we’re concerned about dealing with the pain now.’

L. Michael Glodé, MD, professor of medical oncology at the University of Colorado Cancer Centre, adds that they don’t want cancer to win: ‘I’ve had patients who have absolutely refused pain medicines even though you can see by their face and their body habits that they’re in enormous amounts of pain. They have some misconception that by taking pain medicine they’re giving in to the cancer or something like that.’

However, Obbens believes that cancer patients may refrain from speaking up because they want their doctors to like them: ‘Patients want to be on their best behaviour. They feel if the doctor likes them he will give them good treatment and they will live longer.’ Finally, you may be afraid to admit you’re in pain because more pain means more cancer, but Bruera says, ‘Increasing pain does not necessarily mean tumour growth. It means many things such as developing tolerance to the painkiller, or they’re a little more stressed out and depressed.’

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Silent Sufferers: Should Cancer Patients Talk About Pain?

Categories: Cancer Pain, Experts, talking

Public Health Messages by Fathers

Public health messages may help encourage fathers to have more conversations with their children about waiting to become sexually active.

During the Research Study period, more than 1,200 parents of adolescent or pre-adolescent children were exposed to video, print and audio public service announcements (PSAs) that promoted the benefits of speaking to their children about delaying initiation of sexual activity. The PSAs were a part of Parents Speak Up National Campaign, a multimedia social marketing campaign aimed at promoting parent-child communication about sex. A control group of almost 700 parents were not exposed to the messages.

The fathers exposed to campaign messages demonstrated a consistent and increasing pattern of father-child communication over the 18-month period compared to fathers who were not exposed to the PSAs.

However, among the mothers, the PSAs had little lasting impact. Although there was some evidence of impact following initial exposure, the frequency of mother-child communication across the 18-month period did not differ between mothers exposed to the campaign messages and those not exposed.

The Researchers wanted to extend their understanding of the impact of health-related PSA campaigns on parent-child communication patterns and explore these communication patterns as a developmental process over an extended period of time.  They found that mothers and fathers respond differently to these messages and that may be due to the fact that mothers in general are more likely to talk to their children about sensitive topics, such as sexual behaviour. Therefore, there is importance of repeat exposure, which offers multiple opportunities for leaning and persuasion.”

At the conclusion of the study period, fathers exposed to the PSAs communicated with their children about sex at levels that were similar to the baseline level of mothers. These results, researchers said, underscore the potential of fathers to become more involved in talking with their children about potentially sensitive and important topics.

Given generally low rates at which fathers tend to engage their children in conversations about sex, even modest increases can produce meaningful gains.

Public Health Messages by Fathers

Categories: behaviour, parent, talking