Make Sex Normal: Are You Comfortable Talking About It?

Is sex still a taboo subject today? Absolutely. While you may think that sex is prominent in the media, we still seem to have trouble talking or even thinking about it. Enter Debby Herbenick, PHD, a sexual health educator at the Kinsey Institute who has created a new website called Make Sex Normal, in order to get us talking comfortably about sex. According to Herbenick, when you can talk about sex, you’ll see major wellness benefits in your relationships, health, and of course, desire.

 

Herbenick, who is the author of books such as Sex Made Easy and Great In Bed, is used to bringing up the bedroom on a daily basis. ‘My colleagues and I joke about how normal and mundane all of this stuff is in our lives,’ she says. ‘What that does for all of us is we’ve become more comfortable over time and it impacts our personal lives. It’s easier for us to talk about sex with our partners and bring up sex issues that we might have with our doctors.’ Herbenick points out that many physical and psychological issues impact your sex life, and so voicing bedroom problems to your doctor can help you find a diagnosis and a solution. But what are her top tips for making sex normal?

 

1. Baby Steps: Herbenick asserts, ‘There’s a whole menu out there when it comes to sex…Everyone has to figure out where their starting place is and push themselves just a little outside their comfort zone.’ To help you figure out your starting place, Casey Gueren, Associate Editor at Womens Health, suggests, ‘Make a list of all the sexual things you’re curious about, interested in trying, or already know that you like…If you know what gets you off, it’ll be way easier to communicate that to your guy.’

 

2. Read Erotica…In Public: Gueren notes, ‘If the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon taught us anything, it’s that lit-erotica is a great way to get women thinking and talking about sex. So don’t let the trend end with Christian Grey—pick up a few sex books…and read them on the train or in the coffee shop.’ Herbenick explains that reading sex books in public ‘may help you feel more comfortable and confident in your sexual skin, and it also sends a message to everyone around you that sex is a regular part of life.’ However, if that’s a little too scary for your liking, try putting a different cover on your sex book or read it on your kindle – you’ll still feel that little bit naughty.

 

3. Shop Sexier: ‘Even though you can purchase sex toys and find porn from the privacy of your computer, there’s something to be said for visiting a sex shop,’ Gueren comments. ‘You can go solo, with girlfriends, or with your partner—whatever you’re most comfortable with. The important thing is just to set foot in the store. Not only will it put you in a sexual space that you might normally shy away from, but it also gives you the opportunity to explore new things and learn from sex educators who often work at the shops.’

 

4. Plan a Sexy Date: Herbenick advises finding ways to talk to your partner about sex before you even get to the bedroom, such as emailing him an article about a hot new position or visiting a sex museum together. She asserts, ‘It gives you a chance to talk about it so you’re not just whipping out a sex toy.’ Moreover, according to a study in the Journal of Sex Research, experimenting sexually leads to greater relationship satisfaction and intimacy.

Categories: comfortable, Communication, erotica, herbenick, nbsp, sex books, sex normal, sex shop, talk, talking

Could Your Sex Problems be a Sign of Other Health Issues?

There are many sexual health problems that can affect your wellbeing, but so often we sweep them under the rug. Research scientist Debby Herbenick, author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction, explains, ‘Sex and health do reflect each other, but because sex is still often seen as taboo, as something we don’t talk openly about, people often separate the two in their lives.’ So let’s take a look at you sexual wellness, and what these problems are telling you.

 

1. You’re avoiding sex because it hurts.

According to a 2010 survey by Indiana University’s Centre for Sexual Health Promotion, 30% of women had experienced mild to moderate pain during their most recent sexual encounter. Herbenick notes, ‘That’s a striking number – we didn’t expect it would be that big.’ This pain may be because of insufficient foreplay or the penis striking your cervix, but if it’s a more general pain, like burning, stinging or even knife-like, this could be vulvodynia (pain syndrome). Six million women are affected by this syndrome, and the causes are unknown, but a vulvovaginal specialist can help you find the right treatment.

 

2. You have trouble climaxing.

If you take forever to climax, if at all, you might have diabetes. This disease can damage your nerves – including the ones your brain uses to send unconscious signals for involuntary responses, such as sexual stimulation – and small blood vessels, which restricts blood flood to your sexual organs. Whether you’ve been diagnosed with diabetes or not, go to your doctor and mention all your worrying symptoms, as he or she can help your glucose control (which can improve you responsiveness) or refer you to a gynaecologist.

 

3. You’re not menopausal, but you still don’t lubricate much when aroused.

Vaginal dryness is a common side effect just before menopause and afterwards, due to shifting hormones, but if you’ve been affected by dryness before the age of 45, your heart health may be to blame. Herbenick notes, ‘Lubrication comes from hormones but also from fluid in your bloodstream. If there’s impaired blood flow for any reason, it could reflect early signs of a cardiovascular issue.’ If you have other signs of heart trouble – such as fatigue, shortness of breath and heartburn – go for a check-up. While you’re there, ask about other causes of vaginal dryness, like early menopause, perimenopause and medication side effects. You can also buy vaginal lubricants over the counter in the meantime.

 

4. You’re never in the mood for sex.

If sex is hardly ever on the menu, you might be short on testosterone. This hormone is linked to desire in both men and women, and your levels decline dramatically in the years between you 20s and 40s. Elizabeth G. Stewart, a vulvovaginal specialist in Boston and co-author of The V Book, advises supplemental testosterone if the problem is mainly hormonal, but tread carefully, as the long-term consequences of testosterone-replacement therapies aren’t yet well studied. Stress, fatigue, boredom, and relationship woes can all contribute to your low sex drive, so working on those other factors can also help.

 

5. Urine leaks out when you have sex.

You might wet yourself a little when you orgasm, but this isn’t just part of the excitement run amok. Herbenick urges, ‘Peeing at any point during sex, whether foreplay, intercourse, or climax, is not normal.’ Leaking during sex is a form of stress incontinence, which is the most common form of incontinence in women. However, there are many ways to prevent this from happening. Avoid liquids for the hours leading up to sex and experiment with different positions; rear or side entry, for example, take pressure off your bladder and urethra. You can also consult a urologist who specialises in incontinence, as he or she will be able to provide pelvic floor exercises, medications, or even a surgical fix.

Categories: Advice, health, herbenick, herbenick notes, nbsp, Pain, Sex problems, sexual, sexual health, underlying issues, vaginal dryness, vulvovaginal specialist