What You Learn As a Sexual Health Advice Columnist

Have you ever written into a newspaper or magazine with a relationship or sexual health problem? Not only do you learn a lot from writing in or reading other people’s wellness dilemmas; you learn from answering them! We’ve spoken to three agony aunts and uncles, who shared what they have learnt from giving out advice.

 

1. Rupert Smith: According to the author of several books, including Man’s World, Grim and The Hardest Thing, ‘I’ve always assumed people writing in to a newspaper want advice, not sympathy. They don’t write unless they’re really stuck and, to an outsider, the reasons are blindingly obvious. If I’m having trouble, I don’t want someone saying: “There there, dear.” I want help. As a middle-aged gay man who reached adulthood at a time when my sexuality and aspirations were illegal or stigmatised, I’ve had to stand up for what I wanted and wait for the rest of the world to catch up. One of the common problems we get concerns people who are afraid of what their family will think of their relationships for religious or cultural reasons. I always say one of the hallmarks of becoming an adult is telling your parents you’re going to make your own decisions; if you spend your life soliciting their approval, you’re still a child. So what if your beloved is from the wrong faith group, class or ethnicity? You don’t get many shots at happiness, so don’t let prejudice screw it up.’

 

Smith adds, ‘The other big worry is a lack of sex: one partner wants it, the other doesn’t. One ends up feeling frustrated and bitter, the other threatened and harassed. Should the frustrated one play away and jeopardise the relationship? Should the other lie there and take it, hating every minute? It’s easy to say: “Talk to each other. Reach a compromise.” But in practice, this is hard. I totally understand people who look elsewhere for sex: it’s horrible if you’re being ignored and shut out. Most problems can be dealt with via a bit of advice from someone who’s been round the block. But sometimes we get letters from people with serious mental problems. I want to march round to their houses and rush them to the nearest A&E and stay with them until they’ve got the help they need. It’s inappropriate to be glib or funny in these cases and I worry about the ones that might fall through the net.’

 

2. Dr Cecilia d’Felice: ‘What I have learned about human behaviour is that it’s enacted so unconsciously, we often don’t even notice what is really happening in our lives until after it has been staring us in the face,’ says the author of 21 Days To A New You. ‘The stories are always of the same epic motifs: love that’s found, lost, stolen, abandoned, unfulfilled and misunderstood. All these issues reflect hidden feelings that come down to the fact many of us believe we are not truly and unconditionally lovable…None of us set out to generate conflict but until we understand the true nature of love – which can only ever be real love if it is unconditional – and until we understand why the ego is afraid to give that love unconditionally, then conflict we shall have.’

 

3. James McConnachie: ‘I’ll never forget Ms Pony Play,’ the author of Sex recalls. ‘I know a few things about human sexuality, thanks to my books, but I had to look up that fetish. She wanted to groom and ride her boyfriend. Maybe use a bridle. He wasn’t keen…Often, it’s women writing in. Many tell us “my partner does this…” and then ask “…and is that OK?” My answer, typically, is “no!” It comes better from a man, I think. Porn is often the problem. Many women are deeply upset by their partner’s use of it – and by his refusal to see why it’s a problem. My thoughts on porn have provoked some cross comments. I’ve said porn often objectifies, degrades and mistreats women, and I’ve warned it’s addictive. A man who eats free-range eggs and watches pornography, I’ve gently suggested, is a hypocrite. I’ve even argued a man who secretly uses porn is cheating on his partner.’

Categories: Advice, agony aunt, love, nbsp, partner, people, Porn, sexual health

Do Women Watch Porn? How Porn Affects Relationships

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Categories: nbsp, Porn, Relationships, romance novels, sexual, thornton, unrealistic expectations, ve watched, watch porn, Women

Your New Year’s Sexolutions: How to Have Great Sex in 2014

Men make a lot of New Year’s resolutions to do with wellness. Whether you want to spend more time at the gym, lay off the booze or see your friends more, the chances are that you made some sort of promise to your wellbeing for 2014 – and you’ve already broken that promise. Still, just because we’re nearing the end of January, it doesn’t mean you can make or remake your resolutions. Why not make a resolution that benefits your sexual health? This 2014, you can resolve to have the best sex of your life – and we’re here to show you how.

 

1. Tell Her How You Want It: You may think you’re making your point with the odd grunt and moan, but telling your partner exactly what you want and how she makes you feel can really get her temperature rising. Emily Morse, host of the Sex with Emily radio show, explains, ‘It’s sexy for her to hear your desires in bed, because you’re both in such an uninhibited state.’ Moreover, a study in the Journal of Sex Research found that the more couples used “crude language” in bed – e.g. saying “tits” instead of “breasts” or asking for a “blow job” instead of “oral sex” – they more satisfied they felt with their sexual communication. So don’t be afraid to get down and dirty.

 

2. Find Out What She Wants: Not only should you be more vocal about your fantasies, you can turn her fantasies into reality. Morse recommends asking a few not-so-innocent questions—like what she thinks about while she masturbates, or if there’s anything she’s always wanted to try. You’re more likely to get an honest answer if you ask her directly, and if you share your hidden fantasies first.

 

3. Extend Foreplay: If your typical between-the-sheets tryst goes along the lines of 1) Make out 2) Perform oral 3) Get her off 4) Finish, it might be time to shake things up. Morse argues, ‘The notion that women want foreplay, then sex, needs to be retired.’ A UK study has shown that a woman’s mouth and neck are the third and fourth most erogenous zones on her body, so you need to pay these areas attention throughout sex, not just as a pre-sex appetiser.

 

4. Take a Walk on the Wild Side: Madeline Haller, assistant editor at Mens Health, notes, ‘Couples who experimented with bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism (BDSM) are more in tune with their sexual desires and report feeling more secure with their partners, according to a study in The Journal of Sexual Medicine.’ Spanking makes for nicer alternative if you’re not ready to invest in handcuffs – just don’t spank too high on the cheek. Ava Cadell, PhD, founder of LoveologyUniversity, an online resource for sex knowledge, warns that spanking too high could cause your partner pain because you’re closer to bone, so aim for the lower, fleshier area of her cheeks.

 

5. Take it Outside: ‘A private tryst in a public place is a rush that’s hard to top,’ says Haller. ‘Warm her up to the idea by trying a place that’s tame—like the apartment balcony or hot tub—then work your way up…Another thing to keep in mind: The rendezvous should include plenty of manual stimulation before clothes start being removed, that way you minimize the length of exposure. (It is illegal to be naked in public.)’

 

6. Watch Porn Together: Porn isn’t just for men. In fact, a survey from Good in Bed, Men’s Health, and Women’s Health found that 69% – yes, really, 69% – of women would be open to the idea of watching porn with their partner if he initiated the conversation. Men’s Health Sex Professor Debby Herbenick, PhD, suggests getting the conversation going by saying, ‘I’m happy with our sex life, but let’s try this once. It’s something we can enjoy together.’

Categories: better sex, Communication, Foreplay, health, nbsp, Porn, sexual, Women

How Does Watching Porn Influence Your Mental Health?

There is generally a negative undertone to the word “porn”. However, much of this negativity comes from a moral perspective, or even from people who are just grossed out by the idea. But what amount the impact porn has on your wellbeing. Does watching porn have a negative influence on your mental or sexual health? And does this influence change between teenagers and adults? Let’s take a closer look at the health impacts of watching porn.

 

According to award-winning wellness writer Hope Gillette, ‘Despite the rumours, pornography is not just for the sexually depraved as some would believe. Many healthy individuals and couples indulge in internet or video porn. To understand who is watching porn, it is important to first understand what it is, as everyone has a slightly different opinion on the topic. By definition, pornography is “the depiction of erotic behaviour (as in pictures or writing) intended to cause sexual excitement.” That being said, many things can be classified as pornography, especially certain genres of books, movies, cartoons, and photographs. And just as there are many different forms of porn, it can affect men, women and young adults all differently.’

 

The main group people often associate with watching porn is teenagers, especially as the internet has made it so easy to access pornographic images and videos. In Australia, a study recently found that teenagers who watched porn were more likely to engage in similar, real-life sexual behaviours. The researchers found that teens who watched pornography ‘were more likely to have higher numbers of sexual partners, engage in a wider diversity of sexual practices, and use alcohol or drugs in association with sexual encounters.’ As you might expect, these teenagers were also more likely to have a high occurrence of sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

 

However, Gillette comments, ‘Though the research indicated exposure to sexually explicit images may result in earlier sexual experiences, it did not prove that watching porn causes any harm to teens, but rather only exposes them to the risks associated with being sexually active.’ Moreover, Psychology Today points out that, contrary to some social conservative statements, watching porn does not result in higher rates of rape or sexual irresponsibility among teens. In fact, there are fewer instances of such behaviours, and teenage use of condoms is on the rise. Psychology Today adds that, in a Swedish study, the teenage participants were able to easily distinguish between fantasies online and real relationships.

 

So what about adults? ‘The first major issue when it comes to adults and pornography is that of addiction,’ says Gillette. ‘Like many feel-good activities and drugs, addiction to porn is entirely possible. The Sexual Recovery Institute states porn addicts behave in the same manner as people who have chemical addictions; they replace their meaningful relationships and activities with their addiction. Porn addicts are usually isolated and can spend hours or even days locked away from social contact while they feed their addiction. Just like alcoholics or drug abusers, porn addicts often need professional assistance to overcome their issue.’

 

As well as this, being addicted to porn can lead to problems in the bedroom, as men who watch too much porn seem to have a lower sex drive. Marnia Robinson, co-author of Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow: From Habits to Harmony in Sexual Relationships, explains, ‘There are young guys who have grown up wired to high-speed Internet porn. [A recent] survey matches up with what we have been seeing for years—that that these guys are having addiction symptoms. The experts were telling them, “Take a Viagra” and “You just have performance anxiety.” Well you obviously don’t have performance anxiety with your own hand.’

Categories: Mental Health, nbsp, performance anxiety, Porn, porn addicts, pornography, psychology today, sexual, Teenagers, watching, watching porn

Porn Problems: Is Watching Porn Affecting Your Brain?

Watching pornography isn’t only a sexual health issue; it seeps into your idea of mental wellness. With porn being more readily available than ever before, you can worry about what life in the age of porn is doing to the mental wellbeing of those who watch it – especially if you’re one of those people. Does pornography distort your expectations of sex with real people? Let’s take a look at what the experts say watching porn does to your brain.

 

According to Paul Wright, PhD, an assistant professor at Indiana University who researches the social aspects of sex, a woman’s appearance can give more clues to her ability to reproduce than a man’s can. This may be why men have seemingly evolved to pursue lusty, busty women who are willing to engage in casual sex. However, research out of Emory University shows less of a gender divide in watching porn, albeit still showing a difference in the reasons for men and women liking it. Study author Heather Rupp, PhD, now a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute, details, ‘Men prefer novelty, while women are more interested in stable dynamics.’

 

Still, for men, pornography solves somewhat of a primal problem: how to access commitment-free sex with multiple partners. Evolution teaches us that, on some level, a man is more reproductively successful if he has inseminated as many women – ideally young and beautiful i.e. fertile women – as possible. For women, on the other hand, reproductive success is more measured by how much the men they choose are interested in and have the resources for parenting. Wright explains, ‘Men still have instinctual preferences today because those preferences served a reproductive purpose for their ancestors. Men’s modern environment has changed dramatically, but their evolved sexual preferences have not.’

 

When a man watches porn, his physical responses – such as a faster heart rate, increased blood flow and an erection — is preceded by a deeper neurological process. However, scientists who have attempted to capture through brain scans have come out with a wide range of results. William Struthers, PhD, a biopsychologist and the author of Wired for Intimacy, notes, ‘There are so many moving parts in this equation. How old is the man? Is he involved in a sexual relationship? Is he regularly masturbating? People think sex is always the same. It’s not. You look at food very differently when you’re hungry compared with when you’ve just finished a meal.’

 

Nonetheless, there are a few broad themes that consistently emerge from these types of studies. For example, there’s a cognitive component of visual processing, attention, and reward. Struthers clarifies, ‘Pornographic images seem to activate a man’s visual system in a manner that goes beyond just looking at trees or even people. It’s almost like a high-definition signal compared with a standard signal.’ Once this signal hits a man’s antenna, your mesolimbic (reward) system kicks in and gives you a rush of feel-good dopamine – reinforcing your behaviour much in the same way that drugs like cocaine would. Struthers comments, ‘Guys freak out when they think porn might be “rewiring” their brains. The reality is, our brains are regularly being “rewired”—we wouldn’t learn anything otherwise.’

 

The perhaps more troublesome outcome is what occurs after your surge of pleasure: the brain regions tied to motivation become activated, driving you to seek sexual release. Struthers points out, ‘Several brain regions, called the higher cortical component, have to decide, “What’s the best way to deal with this?” The problem is, these cortical systems can shut off—that is, they may receive less blood as the visual and arousal systems become more active. Essentially the decision-making system is turning itself over to the experience; it’s almost like the men are hypnotized. This is the classic male stereotype: When men think with what’s below, they don’t make good decisions.’

Categories: Brain, Brain Activity, brain regions, men, nbsp, Porn, struthers, watching porn, Women

Porn Has Little Impact on Teen Sexual Behaviour, Study Finds

No parent likes to think about what their teenager is watching on the internet, in part because you worry that this will have an impact on your teen’s sexual health and wellbeing. Many parents as concerned that viewing sexually explicit programmes or content on websites may distort young people’s view of sex, leading them to put their wellness at risk by having sex with multiple partners. However, this is not, in fact, the case, say researchers from the Netherlands.

 

While a new report, published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, showed that watching porn does have some effect on teen sexual behaviour, it does not truly influence whether a young adult will have risky sex or lots of partners. The results of the study revealed that watching porn can make your teenager to have a one-night stand or sex for money, but the influence porn has is minimal compared to other factors, like personality type, educational and family background, and poverty. This was based on a survey 4,600 young people between the ages of 15 and 25 living in the Netherlands during 2008-2009.

 

The researchers, led by Gert Martin Hald of the Department of Public Health at the University of Copenhagen, found that 88% of teenage boys and 45% of teenage girls had looked at some form of sexually explicit media over the past year. This included all kinds of porn, such as bondage, soft core, and violent images, but the influence of that porn on behaviour was small, albeit scientifically significant. The scientists classified sexual behaviours into three broad areas: adventurous sex (e.g. threesomes or sex with someone met online), partner experience (such as one-night stands) and transactional sex, involving payment. Watching porn increased the likelihood of young adults saying “yes” to one or more of these behaviours.

 

However, the important element of this study is that Hald and his team also asked questions gauging traits like gender, age, education, religious belief, relationship status, ethnicity, self-esteem, sexual sensation-seeking (how driven a person is to seek new experiences) and others. According to Hald, even though few studies have tried to incorporate these other factors, ‘associations between porn and sexual behaviour or attitudes really always should be studied in conjunction with other relevant factors, such as personality.’

 

Young people with the personality type of sexual sensation-seeking were highly likely to engage in risky sexual behaviours. Hald explained, ‘only 2-3% of our sample engaged in transactional behaviours, and the proportion of these behaviours explained by porn viewing was only 1% for men and 2% for women.’ He noted that other factors, such as poverty and culture, were more important. The frequency of looking at porn explained only about 3-4% of behaviour, and so, the study concluded, ‘This suggests that frequency of [porn] consumption is just one factor among many that may influence the sexual behaviours of young people.’

 

Still, it’s important to note that this study took place in the Netherlands, which has somewhat more liberal sexual cultures where, for example, prostitution is legal. Hald commented, ‘I think that the social and sexual context of viewing pornography impacts the association between pornography and the sexual behavioural outcomes studied.’ Chauntelle Tibbals, a sociologist at the University of Southern California who studies the adult entertainment industry, agreed, pointing out that young people may turn to porn for sex clues in countries that don’t provide solid sex education. ‘If you did not already know about this in real life, or have sex education, or experience it with a peer, and you see it in porn, you may think, “Oh, I want to do that,”’ she said.

Categories: personality type, Porn, Research, sensation seeking, sex education, sexual behaviour, sexual behaviours, sexually explicit, Teen Sex, teen sexual, watching porn, young people

Under the Microscope: A Closer Look at Testosterone

As a man, your testosterone plays a huge part in your sexual health – as well as other aspects of your wellbeing. The hormone helps maintain your bone density, fat distribution, sperm production, muscle strength and mass, and red blood cell production. However, when it comes to your sex drive, studies have suggested that other factors may influence libido.

Italian researchers demonstrated that porn –not testosterone – had a negative effect on the sex drives of young healthy men. Based on a survey of 28,000 users, the researchers found that the wellness of more and more men is affected by “sexual anorexia”, making them unable to get erections because of Internet porn use that started in their mid-teens. Carlo Foresta, head of the Italian Society of Andrology and Sexual Medicine (SIAMS), explained, ‘It starts with lower reactions to porn sites, then there is a general drop in libido and in the end it becomes impossible to get an erection.’ However, this effect was found to be reversible within just a few short months.

In 2012, Australian researchers found men’s testosterones levels may wane over the years due to behavioural and health changes, rather than their age. According to study co-author Gary Wittert, MD, professor of medicine at the University of Adelaide in Adelaide, Australia, ‘Declining testosterone levels are not an inevitable part of the ageing process, as many people think.’ He noted, ‘Men who had declines in testosterone were more likely to be those who became obese, had stopped smoking or were depressed at either clinic visit.’ Wittert added, ‘Also, regular sexual activity tends to increase testosterone.’

Unlike Wittert’s study, US researchers noted that levels of testosterone in men were shown to be falling over a 17-year period ending in 2004, but neither ageing nor changes in certain health factors, such as obesity or smoking, could completely explain the phenomenon. Lead author Thomas G. Travison, PhD, of the New England Research Institutes, commented, ‘Male serum testosterone levels appear to vary by generation, even after age is taken into account. In 1988, men who were 50 years old had higher serum testosterone concentrations than did comparable 50-year-old men in 1996. This suggests that some factor other than age may be contributing to the observed declines in testosterone over time.’

Categories: Porn, Research, Testosterone

What Would Sex Ed in Schools Really Include?

When it comes to teaching children about sex, school is the ideal place to ensure that they get a full and in-depth education. However, some parents are up in arms about the subjects that will inevitably be covered, including porn. When it comes to learning about sex, a thorough and all-encompassing study is vital in order to ensure kids have the right knowledge to make informed choices. If you start picking and choosing what your children learn about, how can you determine the level of knowledge they have about a subject so emotionally and physically charged? A report has suggested that the absence of a decent education on sex and relationships is connected to the failure to prevent violence against women and young girls.

 

Sex education not only teaches the basics behind the physical aspects of sex, but it also covers relationships, emotions and connected issues, such as STDs, prostitution and porn. Importantly, it also teaches about respect – an issue which is so vital and affects so many elements of a person’s life, from relationships to the workplace. If you begin to keep children in the dark about aspects of this education, you start to open up areas where children are navigating blindly, which can lead to a number of problems.

 

Children are being exposed to porn at an increasingly alarming rate, so how can teachers avoid this subject without missing out many other vital areas of the topic? Children as young as four are being exposed to porn, with many head teachers claiming that pupils need to be taught about porn in order to study other aspects of sex beyond just the process and reproductive elements. If for no other reason, the dangers associated with porn need to be made clear to children so that they can distinguish between fiction and reality.

Categories: Children, Porn, Sexual Wellness

Porn May Not Have Too Much of a Negative Effect on Teens

As a parent, finding out that your teenager has been viewing pornography can be your worst nightmare. Whilst you know that sexual health is an issue for teens, it can be easier to pretend that it doesn’t exist, and so being confronted with evidence of it can be hard to take. You may be concerned for their wellbeing and fear that this experience will have a detrimental effect on their future wellness.

It may not be as worrying as you think, however, as recent research has shown that pornography may not have as much of an impact on how young people view sexual relationships between men and women.

This study was published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, and it used the results of an online survey which questioned 4,600 young people about their use of pornography, sexual habits and attitude towards sex. This was carried out in The Netherlands, and all participants were aged between 15 and 25.

Questions asked, as well as use of pornography, included number of sexual partners, number of one-night stands, whether they had ever had sex in exchange for money and whether they took part in adventurous sex, such as having threesomes.

The researchers discovered that 88 percent of men and 45 percent of women had looked at pornography during the past year. Both genders preferred viewing porn on the internet to other mediums, with men seeking out hard core porn whereas women preferred soft core.

A link between pornography use and sexual habits was found – but that link was found to be fairly mild. Those who use pornography were not particularly more inclined towards risky sexual behaviour or adventurous sexual encounters than those who did not use pornography.

Porn May Not Have Too Much of a Negative Effect on Teens

Categories: effect, Porn, teens

Is The Link Between Porn And Rape Too Simplistic?

It’s easy to make a connection between pornography and the act of rape, but is that connection too simplistic? According to sexual health expert Dr Eve, who is also a survivor of sexual abuse, this link is based on skewed facts and warped perceptions.

Dr Eve notes, ‘I watch porn for clinical purposes. As a clinical responsibility to further understand my client’s sexuality, I watch what they watch, be they children or adults. I also keep in touch with porn trends… I am however a defender of human rights, especially sexual health and reproductive rights.’

Two weeks ago, Dr Eve gave evidence before ICASA on whether or not South African broadcaster TopTV should be permitted channels to air adult content. In her opinion, viewing consensual non-violent adult content within a protected television pin controlled environment will not contribute towards violence, rape or harm to women and children, and Dr Eve was up against several parties, including some victims of sexual abuse, who she commented were ‘as passionate about their cause as I am about mine.’

According to Dr Eve, if your wellbeing is damaged by sexual abuse, listening to other stories of violations can touch a nerve, but all survivors learn how to deal with these moments and move on. However, when WoomaNetRadio’s Mrs Britz put forward her case, it pushed Dr Eve over the edge. ‘She contended had anyone been a witness to her rape it would have appeared consensual sex as she did not protest, fight back or scream, having a young child in the house. I got that,’ said Dr Eve. ‘But when she said all porn looks consensual but is actually rape, I lost it.’

She said, ‘Unlike Mrs Britz, I do not believe my perpetrator violated me due to his consumption of porn. I admittedly did not ask him about his porn habits. It felt violent, coming from a man who was powerless and saw my powerlessness as a source of his own power. There was an atmosphere of fear, threat, violence not sex. I refuse to accept that adult non-violent porn is the source of sexual violence. It’s too simplistic an argument.’

‘I feel concerned about the use of porn, very concerned,’ she added. ‘I feel concerned that in every child’s hands there is a sexual education happening. Because parents, religious leaders and schools are not sexually educating kids their mobiles are, which means porn is their primary educator. Porn is there to arouse. Children need to know how to manage their arousal. Children need to learn about love and kindness, respect towards women and men and how sexuality can be utter bliss when conducted responsibly.’

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Is The Link Between Porn And Rape Too Simplistic?

Categories: Porn, rape, Testimony