How to Determine Whether You’re Ready to Have Sex

Your sexual wellness is all about positive expression. Whether you’re procreating or just having a good time, your sexuality should be something you enjoy, desire and love. However, there’s also a serious side to your sexual wellbeing, and that’s taking care of your sexual health. Sure, sure, we’ve all heard about sexual health in school, but how many of us really learned our lesson? Luckily, relationship expert and sexologist Dr Gabrielle Morrissey, author of Urge: Hot Secrets For Great Sex and Sex in the Time of Generation X, is here to make sure that the message gets through.

 

According to Dr Morrissey, ‘Research (and commonsense) shows that when people feel safer about an activity, and minimise their risks, they feel a greater excitement and level of joy associated with that activity. Any worry is alleviated, so people can then turn their focus entirely on the pleasure they derive from that activity. This is as true for skydiving as it is for sex. I’m often asked how to know when it is a good time to engage in sex, whether it is for the first time ever, or the first time in a relationship. The answer is reflected in your own individual values, however there are some basic guidelines that can help your decision-making process.’ Unless you can at least do the following three things, you’re not ready for sex.

 

1. Talk to your partner: Dr Morrissey recommends, ‘Talk with your partner about sex, pleasure, and your sexual histories, as this shows a caring maturity about the subject and for one another. If you can’t do this together, what are you doing getting naked and intimate together?’

 

2. Speak with someone older and wiser: As a young person, there should be some adult you can talk to about sex and sexual decision-making. Whether it’s a parent, family member, family friend, nurse, doctor, teacher or other responsible adult, someone who’s been through all of this already is the best person to advise you. Dr Morrissey notes, ‘Research shows the decision to engage in sex is often the first self-perceived “adult” independent decision a young person makes. As such, you should be able to demonstrate your adult maturity by asking questions and discussing sex with an adult, finding out everything you feel you need to know before you engage in it.’

 

3. Be prepared and protected: You need to protect yourself and your partner by making sure that, if you do decide to have sex, you’re both safe. Dr Morrissey points out, ‘It used to be thought, and sometimes still is by those who don’t know better, that protecting your sexual health meant simply avoiding pregnancy. This is not the case. Not all sexual activities run the risk of pregnancy (particularly of course when the partners are the same gender, but also activities that don’t involve penile-vaginal intercourse). But these activities may still carry sexual health risks.’

 

If you’re thinking that you can just go to the doctor for medicine if you catch anything, this is an EXTREMELY risky game to play. Only some STIs can be treated, and very few actually have any symptoms to alert you to the fact you’ve been infected. ‘The best thing to do is to prevent contracting any sexually transmitted infection in the first place, since some of them can’t be cured because they are viral,’ Dr Morrissey explains. ‘No-one wants to engage in sex when they think it may be detrimental to their health. This is not an erotic thought for anyone. So rather than fear sex, or associate it with illness and anxiety, it’s best to remove the worry by engaging in safer sex, which includes using barrier methods such as condoms and dams, and making safe choices based on your and your partner’s sexual health.’

Categories: Communication, dr morrissey, health, morrissey, nbsp, Protection, ready for sex, sexual, sexual health, time, young person

How to Get Your Libido in Sync with Your Partner

Once you reach a certain age, your sexual health and wellbeing starts to noticeably suffer more than it ever has. Even if you’ve been happily married for decades and your relationship is in tip-top condition, if your libido is lower that your husband’s, or you’re too shy to initiate sex, this can leave your sex life on life support. However, there’s no need to worry as relationship expert and sexologist Dr Gabrielle Morrissey, author of Urge: Hot Secrets For Great Sex, is here to tell you exactly how to get your libido in sync.

 

According to Dr Morrissey, ‘Differing libidos is a common issue for couples no matter what age. Like many issues that are negotiated in a relationship, frequency of sex is another one. Whether a partner has a different sex drive, or whether the couple has had children and need to work libido, or whether someone has had an illness or stressful event, libido naturally fluctuates in relation to what is going on in our lives. It is certainly possible to change your libido but it takes some focus on your sex life and some adjustments to your relationship.’ So, which adjustments do you need to make?

 

1. The “Just Do It” Approach: ‘The more you have sex, the more you desire it,’ Dr Morrissey explains. ‘Sometimes, just doing it can spark your desire for more. You acknowledge you don’t initiate sex, but why not try it and see if that increases your desire? Rather than being sexually reactionary, try being proactive and putting sex back on your brain. Your libido is in your most important sexual organ, the one between your ears (not your legs), so the more you think about sex and plan it, initiate it, the more your brain becomes sexual and begins to want more.’

 

2. Change it Up: It may sound a little unappealing to try to make yourself feel sexy when you’re just not in the mood. In this case, you need to change things so that you do find yourself getting aroused and in the mood for sex more often. ‘For those who have low libido because (or in part due to) the sex not feeling good, the very first issue to fix is making sex feel really good – not just orgasmic but fantastic all over, mentally and physically,’ says Dr Morrissey. ‘If it does that, we’ll definitely want more of it! And, if you truly want to change your sex life, you’ll be more inclined to try new things to achieve that, rather than feel half-hearted about it, which won’t lead to success.’

 

3. Read All About it: Dr Morrissey asserts, ‘It is acknowledged and well known that while both men and women can find looking at sexual images stimulating, actually reading about sex and romance is particularly effective for women. This includes everything from sex articles to romance novels to erotic stories and books. Women who read romance novels (not even the explicit material, just plain romance) are more likely to desire sex than those who don’t. Reading erotic stories is a great way to get in the mood because (as in the first approach) it stimulates your sexual brain. If you’re too shy to go into a store, may I suggest online shopping? Many ordinary online bookstores will sell soft erotic books and most online sex shops will have a book section for both the softer as well the more explicit books and story collections…There is a huge range of styles so it’s really a matter of experimenting and reading a few different authors before you find a genre or style that you like and really works for you.’

Categories: dr morrissey, initiate sex, libido, life, Make Changes, morrissey, relationship, romance novels, romantic novels, sex life, sexual

Are You Going Through the Eight Stages of Rejection?

Whether your partner dumps you, your friend turns you down or a potential love interest doesn’t find too much potential in you, rejection really hurts. Everyone likes to be liked and when you aren’t appreciated for who you are, this can really impact your sense of wellbeing. In turn, rejection, or the fear of it, can further affect your sexual health and wellness – rejection is bad enough, but rejection when you’re naked? No thank you! In fact, relationship expert and sexologist Dr Gabrielle Morrissey, author of Sex in the Time of Generation X, finds parallels between rejection and the stages of grief. So, which stage of rejection are you in?

 

1. The denial phase: In this phase, you’ll probably be a bit stunned and have trouble believing that you have actually been rejected. If this sounds familiar, Dr Morrissey advises, ‘Acknowledge that yes, sad but true, the relationship is over (or it’s not going to start). Try not to dwell on the negative.’

 

2. The bargaining phase: Dr Morrissey asserts, ‘More often than not, “what ifs” won’t get you anywhere. Generally, it wasn’t only one thing that led to the rejection, but several things, and no amount of bargaining will turn the relationship into a healthy one.’ So what does she recommend? ‘Get yourself out of this phase as fast as you can,’ Dr Morrissey urges. ‘”What ifs” can easily spiral out of control. Reflect on any learning you can gain from the demise of the relationship (or date disaster), and apply that learning forwards, instead of backwards.’

 

3. The loneliness phase: Sometimes, it’s not just the rejection of one person you feel, but this one-off rejection can make you go through a general feeling of rejection, leading to feelings of sadness, self pity and isolation. If you’re feeling lonely following a rejection, Dr Morrissey suggests, ‘Surround yourself with people who do care, and who openly say so. Get your support team – friends, family – to spend time with you to break you out of feeling this way.’

 

4. The heartbreak phase: How intense this phase in will depend somewhat on how deeply you were involved with the person who has rejected you. ‘When you find yourself having sad thoughts, snap yourself out of it by literally snapping a rubber band around your wrist, or snapping your fingers, and make yourself think a positive thought about something that makes you feel happy,’ says Dr Morrissey. ‘If this doesn’t work, reach out to someone for support and distraction (but not the person who rejected you!).’

 

5. The depression phase: This means you’re feeling sad, worthless and perhaps foolish. Dr Morrissey notes you should allow yourself to feel the pain, ‘but do not wallow. Keep busy, exercise and take care of yourself. If necessary, seek support through counselling or from your doctor.’

 

6. The blame phase: ‘Once some of the intense internal feelings subside, the brain often seeks external blame,’ Dr Morrissey explains. ‘You might start with yourself, and then extend to them, but any which way it’s important to move past this destructive phase. There are two players in a relationship and fault is usually somewhere with both. Think about what you’ve gained and what they’ll be missing. Move past the blame and try to glean some learning from it instead.’

 

7. The anger phase: Not much explanation needed for this one; it basically boils down to “How dare they reject you?” Dr Morrissey points you should only indulge yourself in this phase temporarily. ‘Give yourself a time limit on how long you’ll be angry for,’ she advises. ‘If you don’t, you can become bitter, and that’s not healthy.’

 

8. The acceptance phase: Finally, you come to the conclusion that it wasn’t right and you’re going to be okay. Dr Morrissey enthuses, ‘Move forward with an open heart, ready to focus on new potential. Good for you. Now get out there!’

Categories: Acceptance, Denial, dr morrissey, morrissey, nbsp, phase, Rejection, relationship