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Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
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Actor Bradley Cooper and model Irina Shayk’s relationship is reportedly getting serious.
The 40-year-old actor and the Russian model started dating last month after being introduced by Leonardo DiCaprio.
“They have been spending lots of time together these past few weeks and have had many date nights. Their chemistry is crazy when they are together. They can’t keep their hands off of each other,” a source close to the duo told eonline.com.
While the two are still getting to know each other, insiders believe their relationship is becoming more serious.
The source added, “Bradley thinks Irina is stunning but also such a sweet woman with a great heart. Irina is really impressed with how down to earth Bradley is and really easy to be around.
“She also thinks he is such a hardworking, talented actor. They have great conversation and so many laughs when they are hanging out. Friends of theirs would not be surprised if things got serious.”
The American Sniper star split from Suki Waterhouse, 23, in March after two years of dating, while Irina, 29, and ex-boyfriend Cristiano Ronaldo, 30, ended their relationship in January after five years together.
There are many happily married couples out there, but how many of them are enjoying equally happy sex lives? Marriage is about far more than just sex, but there’s no denying that it does play an important role. If your sex life leaves a lot to be desired, it could end up putting a strain on other areas of your relationship – it’s the kind of thing that affairs are made of. There are several ways to improve your sex life though, without you needing to stray from the bonds of your marriage. The first one is simple – be honest.
If you aren’t enjoying the bedroom antics with your partner, you need to tell them and explain what it is that is not doing it for you. Nobody wants to hear that they are a lousy lover, and the number of people wanting to tell someone that kind of news is equally low. However, no-one can improve if they don’t know what they’re doing wrong. Lying to your partner about your sex life is only making the issue worse. Be open with them and explain that while you aren’t enjoying the sex at the moment, you are willing to work at it to improve and better your relationship. While they may be sad to hear it initially, the silver lining is that you’ve communicated it honestly and are willing to try and work things out. Try to soften the news with compliments and praise outside of the bedroom, so that they know you aren’t disappointed in every aspect of your marriage.
Be honest about what turns you on and explain this to them – perhaps you may want to share some fantasies together to get each other in the mood and broach the subject in a flirty way. If the way they kiss you doesn’t do it for you, tell them. Be honest if you’ve never been able to orgasm with them, or if something they do during sex really turns you off. It’s embarrassing, but no more so than lying to your partner about something as vital to a relationship as sex. Educate each other about how to turn each other on, so that you can both do a better job of making each other sexually satisfied. Criticism is only constructive when you offer advice and alternatives, so don’t tell your partner they’re a bad lover without offering ways they can improve.
You need to verbalise and show them exactly how to touch you and the ways that you want them to turn you on. Most importantly, during this early stage in the game, be supportive. It’s never easy to hear that something you’ve been doing for so long isn’t actually working. It’s vital that you express pleasure when they do something even slightly close to what you want, so that they know when they’re getting it right. It’s likely that at this stage they are dealing with a new set of insecurities on top of any they already have, so don’t make it worse by leaving them in the dark about what they’re doing. Maintain the intimacy between you and be sure to spend time together, romantically, outside of the bedroom too. Your relationship is about more than just what goes on in the bedroom, so don’t forget that. If all else fails, and you’ve given it time to try and work things out, there’s also professional help. There are many couples therapists available to help you work through any rough patches, so don’t be worried about speaking to someone if you’re finding things difficult.
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It has been said that this business decade is all about technology – but the next one will be all about relationships. This is how important building of relationships is considered to be.
As an employee, you can make your relationship and rapport building ability your best asset. It is going to be your best job skill and highly useful, no matter where you will be working. If you are going to change jobs several times during the span of your career, then building relationships is going to be the best thing that you learn how to do.
Every day you meet someone new and you connect with someone new. It is best to network with this person, as you do not know how that person can help you in your career. This is especially true at work; always build a good relationship and rapport with your colleagues, because you never know when you may need a professional favor from them.
The Bossy Way
Your growth at work could and most likely will depend on the way you behave with your boss. You have to remember that the reason your boss is your boss is because he is respected by top management. You will do really well for yourself if you build a good working relationship with your boss. They are the one who will let you handle major clientele or accounts, and who is also responsible for your appraisals and performance reviews.
Your boss can be your best mentor. Your boss is the best person to give guidance and direction about your job. You not only have to build a professional relationship with your boss, but it would also benefit you to build a personal relationship with them. This doesn’t mean you are sucking up to them, it just means that you respect them as a person. So get to know him on a more personal level. You could call their family for lunch or dinner or you could go golfing with them; do whatever it takes to get to know them better.
Cooperating with Coworkers
Your coworkers and colleagues are important to your career. The way you work and deal with them reflects on your people skills. The relationships that you build with them can be very valuable. Do whatever it takes to build a bond with them. Help a colleague who is lagging in his work. Compliment them on an accomplishment or job well done. Go to the bar around the corner and socialize with them after work. Have a drink or two together. Get to know your co-workers on a more personal level. It will help you to build your network.
The Client, The King
Your client is the king. Today when the market is so competitive and so similar, where every product is the same, where is the edge? The edge lies in customer service. Customers are likely to be drawn to a company that is better at customer service than its competitors. You as an employee have to build that relationship with your customer to ensure that your customer comes back to you and appreciates your work well enough to put in a good word to your boss.
In an increasingly competitive business world, building relationships can make or break your career – so don’t underestimate the importance of it.
You might think you have your sexual health and wellbeing sorted. You know what you like, and you know what you don’t like, so it’s smooth sailing from here on in, right? Wrong. According to sexual wellness expert Marissa Gold, ‘There are two primary phases in most people’s sex lives—the sex you have before you get into a relationship, and the sex you have after.’ And, let’s be honest, the latter phase isn’t the one you brag about to your friends at brunch. As a long-term couple, things change and your sex life needs to change with it, or else you’ll be bored in the bedroom – and no one wants that. Improve your sex life in any relationship by giving these sex tips for couples a try.
1. Role-Play the Opposite of Your Personalities: ‘Is your guy a go-getter who handles everything in your relationship?’ asks Gold. ‘Tie him to the bedpost. Is he on the shy side and lets you call all the shots? Hand him some bondage tape and tell him to take over. Most people like to play a role in bed that’s not what they play in real life.’
2. Do That Thing He’s Always Begging You to Do: Gold points out, ‘Most men are pretty vocal about their sexual fantasies. It’s the male equivalent of our nagging them to pick up their socks. Does your guy really, really want you to dance for him? Try anal sex? Dress up like a French maid, perhaps? Since you’re the only woman he’s allowed to have sex with and all, it’s worth a try!’
3. Try A Position You’ve Never Done Before: Gold explains, ‘Doing new things together is a bonding experience, and let’s be honest—it’s probably been a while since either of you did something new in bed. Just throw out a sex position, or ask him if there’s one he’s never tried, and go for it. Best case? Someone loves it. Worst case? You have a good laugh.’
4. Leave Your Underwear at Home on Date Night: ‘OK, it’s a little cheesy,’ Gold admits. ‘But it’ll make your typical routine of sharing the burrata appetizer at your neighbourhood Italian restaurant a little more fun. As you’re leaving home, as you’re walking in, or as you’re sitting down, just let him know. And wear a body-con dress and heels so he can fantasize about the easy access.’
5. Have Sex When You Don’t Really Feel Like It: ‘Let me be clear,’ Gold cautions. ‘Never do anything you really don’t want to do. However, relationships are about compromise, so if you’re turning him down more than you’re turning him on, you might consider some pro bono (he-he!) sex once in a while. It will go a long way in your relationship, because once a guy feels neglected or rejected, he might stop trying to do all those things you like too.’
6. Treat Him Like a Sex Object Sometimes: Gold notes, ‘What kind of sex do people have during affairs? The kind of sex where clothes get ripped and lamps get broken. A lot of people crave that kind of passion, which we all know is hard to maintain when you’ve slept together literally hundreds of times. So consider it an investment in your monogamy and treat him like the jerky-but-so-hot football player you wanted just one night with in college and take the guy. He’ll like it, promise.’
7. Don’t Forget About Oral: Gold comments, ‘Every woman knows that men love oral sex, and every man knows that at some point in a long-term relationship, he’ll probably stop getting it. In his ideal world, you’ll keep doing it because you want to, so don’t make it seem like a chore (even if you kind of feel like is). P.S. This rule works both ways.’
8. Don’t Wear Frumpy Outfits to Bed Every Night: ‘To a lot of men, the moment you wear sweatpants to bed is the exact moment when the romance officially dies,’ says Gold. ‘This is hard, because you want to wear those comfy sweats as much as he wants to stop doing sit-ups every day. But consider an upgrade to lingerie (or at least retire the baggy T-shirt) every once in a while and watch the magic happen. Bonus: Not only will he love it if you’re a little sexier when you hit the sheets, you might find it puts you in the mood too.’
According to psychotherapist Joyce Marter, ‘A client once said to me, “I’m nervous to talk with my wife about my sexual needs, because you are the only person who knows that part of my life.” This statement struck me as wildly paradoxical. How could I, a person with whom my client has a strictly professional relationship, know more about his sexual life than the woman with whom he has sex?’ Most of us are embarrassed to talk to our partners about sex. You might divulge a few tid bits to your friends, or speak to a professional, but to actually discuss sexual health with the person you’re having sex with? No thank you! However, talking about sex won’t only improve your sexual wellbeing; it may also save your relationship wellness.
Marter explains, ‘After nearly 20 years of counselling individuals and couples, it is clear that there is also a “chicken and egg” relationship between sex and relationship problems. Sometimes it’s hard to tell which came first. Some couples are sexually disconnected because of a relationship issues and others have interpersonal conflict that stems from sexual problems. Perhaps it doesn’t really matter which is addressed first, as long as there is a shared, open and courageous attempt to resolve their issues.’ But how do you actually do that? Luckily, Marter has shared her top tips for improving your sex life:
1. Stop, Meditate and Listen: Marter recommends, ‘Quiet your mind via meditation and ask the deeper self within what you desire sexually. Notice any negative thoughts or beliefs that induce fear, guilt or shame – breathe them out and let them go. Replace them with a mantra such as, “I am a sexual being and deserve a gratifying sexual life.”’
2. Write it Down: ‘Write down the issues that are preventing you from having the sexual life you want,’ Marter instructs. ‘Create a plan for how to address and resolve those issues. (For example, talk with your doctor about your medication side effects, hit the gym to feel sexier, get in couples therapy about your relationship issues, seek individual therapy about your addiction to porn, carve out time for coupling, etc.)’
3. Connect Your Mind and Body: Marter advises, ‘Because many people are overly focused on their minds, connect with your body through exercise, stretching, progressive muscle relaxation and mindfulness techniques to increase body awareness and subsequently improve your sexual experiences. Take care of yourself so you feel desirable and confident.’
4. Accentuate Your Relationship: ‘Detach from the imperfections we all have physically and focus on your sense of aliveness within’ says Marter. ‘And the passionate energy exchange between you and your partner. Avoid magazines and media with harmful messages about body image.’
5. COMMUNICATE: ‘Find your voice and dig up the courage to talk with you partner(s) about your sexual feelings, needs and desires,’ Marter encourages. ‘Be open and honest. Ask your partner what he or she wants (detach from judgment and defensiveness). Be open in your communication and aim to be a good lover (like karma, this will come back at you). Use “I” statements, rather than “you” statements to decrease defensiveness (e.g., “I desire more oral sex” vs. “You never go down on me.”) Similar to parenting and management, sexual communication requires that you give three positive statements for every piece of negative feedback (“I love when you do this, this and this, but am not really loving that…”).’
6. Experiment Together: Marter suggests, ‘Connect with your partner through music, art, dance, poetry, nature, food, and other shared sensual experiences that will set the tone for intimacy and connection. Be open to new experiences and talk openly without judgment.’
In these busy times, finding the physical space in your life to take care of your sexual wellness and wellbeing can be quite a challenge. Now the part-time romance has become the favoured form of low maintenance relationship, for those people who simply don’t have the time and certainly don’t have the desire for a full-blown relationship. Busy, independent young professionals are increasingly indulging in casual relationships which take up as little time and energy as possible whilst still meeting their needs.
Parttimelove.co.uk is a new website set up based around this concept. It was launched by journalist, blogger and relationship author Helen Croydon, based on the idea that people often want to find meaningful romance but don’t have time for all the obligations that usually go with it. So, if you’re looking for a partner to sleep with, have pleasant times with but avoid meeting the parents, this might be the one for you. On the website, there is a database of all members who have selected to opt in from other dating sites. It costs upwards of £20 for membership and users have a profile picture and a biography, the same as any other dating site. The only difference is that all those who are on the site understand that every member wants to retain their independence. Shift workers in the health profession find the site useful, as they are able to have a relationship that works around their irregular hours. Casual relationships understand that there are times when their new squeeze can’t see them, which is different to how things normally work in the dating world. Others who join have recently come out of long-term relationships so want to be clear that they are not looking for commitment, but without playing any games.
As the saying goes, families begin because two people fall in love. Therefore, family wellness first begins with a healthy and happy relationship, but how do you give your marriage a spring clean? While some couples believe they need to go on a romantic getaway to rekindle that flame, there are actually small, simple secrets to helping you bond with your partner, and boosting your wellbeing in the process.
1. Send him love texts: Wellness writer Holly Corbett, co-creator of LostGirlsWorld.com, notes, ‘When we focus on something, we tend to see it show up more often. So try sending him a text every day this month that acknowledges something you appreciate about him, such as “I love that you get me peanut M&Ms when I have PMS.”’ This certainly worked for Orna Walters, who co-founded Creating Love on Purpose, a relationship coaching service, with her husband, Matthew. ‘My husband did a text appreciation month for me after he forgot to get me a Valentine’s Day card one year, and I was surprised that he found something new to write every single day,’ Walters recalls. ‘It made me feel so cherished.’
2. Hang Up Old Pictures: According to Corbett, ‘Research confirms that experiences rather than things increase your happiness levels, and recounting shared moments in your relationship can also boost marital satisfaction. Gather pictures of your favourite times together — such as the camping trip you took sans kids or his surprise 35th birthday party — and place your new collection somewhere he will see it as a happy reminder.’
3. Look at the Glass as Half-Full: It’s more fun to be around positive people, especially if you’re married to that person. Brian G. Ogolsky, PhD, assistant professor at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, recently co-authored a study in which, of the most important strategies for overall relationship satisfaction, positivity landed at the top of the list. ‘Our research shows that there are concrete, small moves you can do in your daily life to make your partner like being around you more, and feel more committed to the relationship,’ he says. ‘In terms of relationships, positivity really means those little fun, romantic gestures.’
4. Open Up More: You have to create space for openness if you want your relationship to deepen and thrive. Dr. Ogolsky points out, ‘We give as much as we get in terms of disclosure. The more open you are, the more likely your partner is to open up. It leads to deeper conversations and connection.’ After work, carve out time to greet your partner with a glass of wine and see what you end up chatting about.
5. Do Chores as a Team: While the most efficient way to clean up the house may be to divide and conquer, doing household chores together can provide a huge boost to your relationship. This is because you’re spending more time together, and can see each other working on this home that you both care about. In fact, Dr. Ogolsky’s research found that taking part in shared tasks was another top-five relationship booster. He explains, ‘It doesn’t mean that you have to vacuum the floor together, but simultaneously doing the chores that keep your household functioning, such as washing the dishes while he fixes the stove, reminds you both that you are working together as a team.’
6. Create a Relationship Bucket List: Dreaming and making plans together strengthens your bond, as it reinforces the idea that you’ll be together forever. Dr. Ogolsky comments, ‘You’re effectively boosting commitment by creating a shared future with your partner.’ So whether you want to travel around South America or own your own business one day, start dreaming!
Did you know that your sexual wellness and wellbeing is integral to not only your emotional health, but also your physical health too? The benefits of being in a loving relationship can have wide-reaching implications for your health. Human touch has long been recognised as having powerful healing properties. It increases the production of growth hormones, endorphins and DHEA, all of which increase your life span and lower the negative impact that stress can have on your body. Studies have even shown that patients who are regularly touched recover faster than those who are not touched at all.
Give someone a special hug, pat or massage and you could help to improve the mood and health of both of you. Studies show that those who are loved and cherished by members of their family tend to live longer lives and have fewer illnesses. A loving, meaningful relationship, both with your family and with a significant other, do not necessarily come naturally, but they are worth working on and investing in, as they can create a lot of positive side effects for your health.
If you want to work on your relationship, think about it in terms of sharing yourself with another. Share your energy, time and your inner self with your loved one. Look at the life you share and think of ways that you could make them happy. You might want to cook their favourite meal one night as a surprise, or do the dishes to help take the burden off them. You could send them a card, writing inside it all the qualities that make them special to you. You can even buy them a gift, which does not need to be elaborate or expensive, but should be specific to them – something that you know that they will like and that will show how well you like them.
When you first fall in love, relationship wellness is a breeze; all you have to worry about is your next big date or the best cutsie nicknames to choose. However, once you get married or live together, even the smallest things can get in the way of family wellness. I bet you never thought your wellbeing would be so tested by a pile of washing up in the kitchen! Let’s take a look at six little everyday things that can actually make or break your relationship.
1. Household chores: If you’re always battling it out over who’s turn it is to take out the bins or empty the dishwasher, you may be clashing due to your different personality types. According to Dr. Karyn Gordon, a relationship, marriage, and family expert, there are 16 personality types, only half of which are focused on organisation, structure, and cleanliness. The problem is that opposites often attract, so you may be a neat freak living with an absolute slob! If that sounds all-too familiar, Dr. Gordon advises, ‘Explain that cleanliness is important to you, and you understand that it may not be that important to them.’ It may be second nature to you, but your partner needs to know why neatness is something you prioritise.
2. Always Choosing the Restaurant: Dr. Gordon admits, ‘Some people are much better at picking movies and restaurants than other people, so it might be that one person just has a better skill set.’ However, wellness writer Lauren Le Vine warns that if one partner does always seem to be dominating the decisions, ‘it could be more of a red flag that reveals certain control issues. You’ll never know until you say something, though. It could just be a blind spot for the person who likes to choose where to go.’
3. Always Doing What You/He Wants: Making individual plans all the time can leave the other person in the relationship feeling insignificant and slighted. Le Vine notes, ‘It’s important to be direct with one another and explain why you feel slighted by the other person’s choices. Otherwise, it can lead to passive-aggressive behaviour and resentment.’ Dr. Gordon explains, ‘Partners need to feel significant. When they’re feeling threatened and insignificant, people get very clingy and desperate.’
4. Forgetting Important Dates: Often, it’s not a case of your partner forgetting the occasion; it’s more likely that you were raised differently, and so have different expectations of how much of an effort to make. That said, this doesn’t mean that your partner can get away with making less of an important occasion. Dr. Gordon asserts that remembering and celebrating important dates is ‘a skill you can learn with practice and by communicating your expectations.’ Le Vine adds, ‘It also helps to have a shared calendar where you can notify each other of important events in advance.’
5. Not Saying Hello or Goodbye: Le Vine argues that many couples ‘manage to lose the greeting and hug/kiss habit over time if they’re distracted by things like checking their email on their phone when they come home from work.’ It may also be a case of you copying how your parents did things, but you need to reprogramme yourselves. Dr. Gordon urges, ‘When you walk in the door, you’ve gotta shift gears to home. These attentive, affectionate qualities are important for both you and your kids.’
6. Not Showing Enough Affection: Le Vine recommends, ‘If you want more affection from your partner, start encouraging him or her in little ways. Hold hands while you watch TV or when you’re walking somewhere. If you’re also feeling disconnected in other ways; however, a lack of affection could be a sign of something deeper, and that should be addressed.’
Intimacy is vitally important in a relationship, and is an integral part of your sexual wellness and wellbeing. Intimacy means different things to different people, however, and it does not necessarily mean having lots of sex.
Intimacy is more about deep committed – a relationship based on trust, honesty, self-disclosure, appreciation, respect, togetherness and interdependence. Men and women go about this in different ways, though, with women preferring a ‘face to face’ approach. This means that when women talk to men, they like to draw closer, look into one another’s eyes (what is called an ‘anchoring gaze’) and talk about deep, intimate details of their lives, such as their hopes and their worries. This is probably rooted in ancient times, where ancestral women would have spent their days looking into the eyes of their infant children, and soothing them by talking.
Men, on the other hand, tend to regard intimacy as either playing or working side by side, rather than face to face. They may discuss troubles with their love lives or a bad week at work perhaps, but it is far more rare for them to discuss their darkest fears and their secret dreams. When they talk, they often speak in a jokey way, hiding their true feelings behind humour. Men also rarely look deeply into one another’s eyes. Again, this probably harks back to historic times when ancestral males would be more likely to gather in groups, hunting prey together. They stayed side by side with their friends, and only faced enemies.
For this reason, if you want to be intimate with a man, do things with him side by side, rather than making him feel threatened with a direct gaze. At the same time, men are more likely to find ‘debating’ an intimate activity, while women thing that ‘organising a neighbourhood party together’ would be one of the most intimate things they could imagine.
No relationship is perfect, and every couple has their fair share of trials and tribulations, but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t protect your family wellness and wellbeing. Looking after your relationship is a vital part of your happiness and your health, and if you take your eye off the ball then you can find yourself missing the signs that there could be real trouble ahead.
How you deal with conflict is the key – every couple has conflict but the way in which you resolve it can signpost the strength of your relationship. You can then find that simple, everyday problems turn into much bigger problems.
There are some warning signs that you can look out for, that will tell you if your relationship is in trouble.
1) Few arguments ever get resolved. This is a common issue where couples argue about this but are unable to find a resolution to the problem and so they simply drop it again and then it stays unresolved.
2) The couple feel like they are walking on eggshells. This can happen when certain topics start to cause problems for the people involved, and so they start to avoid them, and avoid any triggers that may end up raising the topics. This signals a lack of safety in the relationship and puts barriers in the way of communication.
3) Finding it hard to reach out for emotional support. When one (or both) sides of the partnership feel emotionally disengaged from the relationship, there can be real problems. If you don’t trust your partner enough to be emotionally vulnerable with them, then there is a risk to the relationship.
4) You spend less and less time together. When a couple chooses to spend time apart on a regular basis, this is often as the result of emotional disengagement. If you find that this starts to happen, take it as a warning sign to help you get back on track.
Everyone wants a happy relationship, but sometimes it can seem like you’re asking for the impossible. Psychologists have done some research into what’s required to create the happy and stable relationship we all want, and they’ve come to the conclusion that you need just three components: passion, shared interests and intimacy. You should think of your relationship as a three-legged stool – if you have all three components, the relationship will be stable. If not, things can get a bit wobbly. If your relationship is based on passion and intimacy, you have a romantic relationship. One which combines intimacy and shared interests but lacks the physical passion is known as a companionate relationship, and a relationship which has passion and shared interests but no intimacy is referred to as a shallow relationship.
The passion side of things comes from the way you see your partner – the excitement you feel at seeing them, at being turned on by them, and by sex. But more than just understanding how you rate the passion with your partner, you also need to remember that they will have a figure in mind for themselves as well – do they match up? If you rate the passion in your relationship as a 3, but they rate it as a 9, that could cause a problem. Passion doesn’t just have to be sex either – it can be a number of things, from holding hands to kissing. Think about the ways you’re passionate with your partner, and the ways perhaps you could increase this to become closer.
Shared interests are what make us connect with our partners on a more day-to-day basis. It’s fulfilling to have someone to share your common interests and goals with, as it helps us feel close to them. Try rating where you think you and your love are on a scale of one to ten in terms of shared interests, with one meaning you and your partner have no shared interests and ten meaning you do everything together. Then ask your partner. If you’re on the lower end of the scale, it’s not to say that your relationship is doomed to fail. But it could mean that you may benefit from taking up a hobby or activity together, or becoming more interested in what each of you do – if he likes golf and you like swimming, why don’t you try taking part in these activities as a couple sometimes to share the fun?
Lastly, intimacy is important in a relationship. But when people think about intimacy, they invariably think of sex. That’s not the only answer – are you close? Do you enjoy sharing confidences with each other? Do you have an honest, communicative relationship? There are so many ways to be intimate with someone, and it doesn’t have to rely on a great sex life. Enabling yourself to be vulnerable and letting your guard down is important to increase the level of trust, and to share yourself entirely and emotionally with another person. Once again, rate where you are together on a scale of one to ten. If you don’t consider your relationship to be particularly intimate, ask yourself what’s lacking – are you not being honest or communicating much with each other? Do you not feel as though you can share your innermost thoughts and feelings with one another? This may be something your relationship could benefit from if it’s lacking at the moment, and is something both of you can enjoy.
When you’re in a relationship for a long time, it’s easy to miss the signs that the wellbeing of the relationship isn’t all-that great. This is why Brent Bradley, PhD, an Associate Professor of Family Therapy, and James Furrow, PhD, is Professor of Marital and Family Therapy, have written about the warning signs of relationship trouble – and ways to build a more resilient relationship through complementary wellness – in their book Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy For Dummies. So what are the signs your relationship is in trouble?
- Arguments Go Unresolved: According to Bradley and Furrow, ‘Most couples have common issues they argue about, but when couples find they can’t get to a resolution of key issues in their relationship, the relationship is in trouble.’ Do your arguments involve criticism, defensiveness, and contempt? Bradley and Furrow explain, ‘When conflicts take on patterns that include attacks against a partner’s character, mind reading, counter-complaining, and insults or name calling, damage is being done to the emotional security of the relationship.’
- You Walk on Eggshells: ‘If you find yourself avoiding topics and protecting yourself from conflicts in your relationship, this is a sign that there is a lack of safety in the relationship,’ Bradley and Furrow note. ‘If you no longer trust your partner with emotional vulnerability, your relationship is at risk… Shared vulnerability is how partners show and share intimacy. When partners stop depending on each other, their relationship loses its importance and closeness is lost.’
- You Don’t Spend Much Time Together: ‘Partners who chose to spend less time together without purpose are often enacting emotional disengagement,’ say Bradley and Furrow. ‘Time is a crucial resource for sustaining intimacy.’
- Anger and Frustration Has Become Apathy and Indifference: Bradley and Furrow warn, ‘Partners who give in to apathy and indifference are moving away from the relationship. Active acceptance of an unresolved difference or disagreement is purposeful. Giving up on an issue can be a step toward giving up on the relationship.’
- You Try to Control the Circumstances: ‘Controlling actions are a common way in which injured or fearful partners respond to insecurity in their relationship,’ Bradley and Furrow comment. ‘These efforts at control undermine efforts to rebuild trust.’
- You Fear Criticism Towards Your Personal Thoughts: Bradley and Furrow point out, ‘A common sign of insecurity is fear of your partner’s lack of care and concern. Managing this fear through withdrawal is a short-term solution to eroding trust, which can threaten a long-term relationship.’
If these things sound familiar, or you just want to strengthen your relationship, Bradley and Furrow provide the following tips for relationship resilience.
1. Be Available and Responsive to Each Other’s Needs: Bradley and Furrow assert, ‘Being responsive when your partner needs you to listen after a tough day, or needs you to pick up the kids in a bind — these types of things show that you care.’
2. Tell Stories About Ways You’ve Overcome Difficulties as a Couple: ‘Taking a look at what you’ve overcome together pinpoints your successes,’ note Bradley and Furrow. ‘Negatives can steal away the positive accomplishments if you aren’t careful.’
3. Face Fears and Share Needs as a Couple: Bradley and Furrow detail, ‘The most successful couples confide in each other when life throws a real curveball. If you’re scared that you’ve really hurt the other, for example, step up to the plate and admit it, and then share that you don’t want to be that kind of a person.’
4. Reminisce: Invest ‘in memories and activities that remind you how important you are to each other,’ Bradley and Furrow instruct. ‘Make a list of places and activities that you enjoy together, and act on it.’
It’s a common myth that if a heterosexual couple stops having sex, it’s the woman’s fault that the intimacy has died. There are more than a few reasons attributed to this logic – she’s too tired, she’s too busy, she’d rather be washing her hair, or pretty much anything that means she can get out of being sexual with her partner. It’s thought that millions of people live as part of sexless marriages, where the couples in question have sex less than ten times a year, a most therapists believe that around half the time the woman is to blame for this. It can be confusing to the male half of the relationship that their wives are suddenly disinterested in sex; perhaps they weren’t always so cold to the idea of intimacy, but now they can’t think of enough ways to avoid it. These men are hurt, confused and rejected, and are willing to do anything they can to reignite the passion into their relationships. But what does it feel like from the female perspective? What’s the reasoning for this lack of desire and what can couples do to resolve the issue? Of course, it’s no surprise that there isn’t an easy answer to this problem – there are myriad reasons why people lose their passion for sex.
Commonly referred to as Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder, this problem is characterised by an absence of sexual fantasies or a lack of desire for sexual activity that isn’t the result of substance abuse or abuse. Rather, if a person in a committed relationship is experiencing a low libido and it isn’t causing unhappiness to either person, it isn’t HSDD. Sex isn’t always the most important issue but in the cases where it is still a priority, it’s important that you get to the source of the problem so that you can begin rebuilding your relationship, both emotionally and physically.
Pain during intercourse is a common reason, and is to women what erectile dysfunction is to men who suffer with this problem. It’s an embarrassing topic for women who suffer with this problem and instead of talking about it, they hide away and just stop having sex. There are, like with ED, many reasons why this could be happening such as psychological and physical conditions that you should speak to your GP about. Depression is another cause of low libido, and so are antidepressants. In fact, antidepressants not only lower your libido but also temporarily remove the ability to feel romantic love.
Many women suffer with angry feelings, and this comes out in the relationships as suspicion or jealousy. And for some couples, it’s because their partner simply doesn’t turn them on anymore – perhaps their husband has gained some weight or has stopped making an effort. As this resentment builds, their libido drops until they don’t desire a sexual relationship with their partner anymore. It’s assumed that there always has to be a reason though, and sometimes this isn’t the case. In some cases, it’s simply that the sex has stopped being exciting or passionate – in other words, it has become boring. A fulfilling sexual relationship takes two people making the effort, and although sometimes there are reasons beyond anyone’s control that make this impossible, often it boils down to communication. If you’re worried about your inability to desire sex, you may find it useful to speak to your GP.
It’s a common myth that if a heterosexual couple stops having sex, it’s the woman’s fault that the intimacy has died. There are more than a few reasons attributed to this logic – she’s too tired, she’s too busy, she’d rather be washing her hair, or pretty much anything that means she can get out of being sexual with her partner. It’s thought that millions of people live as part of sexless marriages, where the couples in question have sex less than ten times a year, a most therapists believe that around half the time the woman is to blame for this. It can be confusing to the male half of the relationship that their wives are suddenly disinterested in sex; perhaps they weren’t always so cold to the idea of intimacy, but now they can’t think of enough ways to avoid it. These men are hurt, confused and rejected, and are willing to do anything they can to reignite the passion into their relationships. But what does it feel like from the female perspective? What’s the reasoning for this lack of desire and what can couples do to resolve the issue? Of course, it’s no surprise that there isn’t an easy answer to this problem – there are myriad reasons why people lose their passion for sex.
Commonly referred to as Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder, this problem is characterised by an absence of sexual fantasies or a lack of desire for sexual activity that isn’t the result of substance abuse or abuse. Rather, if a person in a committed relationship is experiencing a low libido and it isn’t causing unhappiness to either person, it isn’t HSDD. Sex isn’t always the most important issue but in the cases where it is still a priority, it’s important that you get to the source of the problem so that you can begin rebuilding your relationship, both emotionally and physically.
Pain during intercourse is a common reason, and is to women what erectile dysfunction is to men who suffer with this problem. It’s an embarrassing topic for women who suffer with this problem and instead of talking about it, they hide away and just stop having sex. There are, like with ED, many reasons why this could be happening such as psychological and physical conditions that you should speak to your GP about. Depression is another cause of low libido, and so are antidepressants. In fact, antidepressants not only lower your libido but also temporarily remove the ability to feel romantic love.
Many women suffer with angry feelings, and this comes out in the relationships as suspicion or jealousy. And for some couples, it’s because their partner simply doesn’t turn them on anymore – perhaps their husband has gained some weight or has stopped making an effort. As this resentment builds, their libido drops until they don’t desire a sexual relationship with their partner anymore. It’s assumed that there always has to be a reason though, and sometimes this isn’t the case. In some cases, it’s simply that the sex has stopped being exciting or passionate – in other words, it has become boring. A fulfilling sexual relationship takes two people making the effort, and although sometimes there are reasons beyond anyone’s control that make this impossible, often it boils down to communication. If you’re worried about your inability to desire sex, you may find it useful to speak to your GP.
As well as being a fun activity, sex is good for your physical health. According to award-winning wellness writer Hope Gillette, ‘The act of engaging in sexual contact with a partner can lead to the production of a number of hormonal and other biological changes, which can in turn ease pain, boost immunity, offset menopausal symptoms, and even reduce the risk for certain cancers.’ However, beyond this, there is a link between your sexual health and a number of mental health benefits.
Laurie Mintz, Professor of Psychology at the University of Florida and the author of the self-help book A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex, explains, ‘Sex has very potent emotional health benefits. Sex has important mood boosting properties and it also enhances relationship health and satisfaction, which itself is related to mental wellbeing.’ Sex helps you to sleep better, connect more deeply with your partner, develop a more positive outlook and zest for life and be more serene, patient and happy.
Another mental health benefit of sex is that it can boost your self-esteem. Sex, marriage, and family therapist, Gina Ogden, notes, ‘One of the reasons people say they have sex is to feel good about themselves. Great sex begins with self-esteem. If the sex is loving, connected, and what you want, it raises it.’ Sex also enhances the trust and intimacy you have with your partner, giving you a special way to express love and create shared memories and special secrets. However, that is not to say that you and your partner approach sex in the same way.
Gillette details, ‘Research indicates that men have stronger sex drives when compared to women, and they also have more straight-forward inclinations. Men are driven by the physical desire to have sex whereas women tend to have sex to increase relationship status and the emotions which go along with it.’ Mintz agrees, ‘Research consistently shows that women’s sexuality is strongly linked to a close relationship, with an important goal of sex being intimacy and the best context for pleasurable sex being in a committed relationship. This is less true for men.’
However, regardless of the reason for it, both men and women experience mental health rewards due to the chemical release of dopamine and oxytocin during sex, which are the same chemicals responsible for linking two people in “love.” Deborah Anapol, PhD, a seminar leader and relationship coach who offers training in Pelvic Heart Integration, clarifies, ‘The physiology of love depends upon what kind of love we’re talking about. When we first “fall in love” with a romantic partner our brains release endorphins – natural opiates that create a feeling of euphoria. What exactly triggers this response is a bit of a mystery but theories range from detecting a match with the personality of parental figures to identifying someone carrying DNA, which would combine with ours to make the best babies.’
Gillette points out, ‘A 2012 study reported by The Atlantic found men experiencing frequent oxytocin release were more likely to remain monogamous during a relationship. What’s more, oxytocin boosts feelings of generosity toward a significant other, another relationship-strengthening benefit of sex. Overall, past research links sexual satisfaction in a relationship to that of general happiness, suggesting that people with healthy sex lives feel more fulfilled in other areas of their lives as well.’ Debby Herbenick, PhD, MPH, sexual health educator at the Kinsey Institute and author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction, adds, ‘Sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction are closely linked. When people feel happy and satisfied in their relationships, that may in some ways protect them from depression, anxiety or other health risks.’
Family wellness begins when two people fall in love, but how do you know if the Big L has called your name? Let’s take a look at some of the potential signs that you’re loved up:
1. You Want to Talk About Not Dating Other People: According to Joy Browne, author of Dating For Dummies (3rd Edition), ‘The issue isn’t a willingness to be exclusive. It’s a willingness to talk about and explain being exclusive. A surprisingly large number of men and women are surreptitiously monogamous, feeling that their willingness to forgo all others gives power to the partner. But when you’re willing to admit that you’re willing to share the power and admit your vulnerability (I really like you and hope you like me as much), not only are you in love, but you sound like a rational, fairly adult soul in the bargain.’
2. You’re Willing to Go Somewhere You Hate: ‘The willingness to go someplace you actually hate with someone you actually love — and not be a pain in the neck about it — is one of the hallmarks of love,’ says Browne. ‘When you first start to date, you’re tempted to do whatever it takes to get the date off the ground because you’re blinded by the possibilities. During the next phase of dating, you stand up for yourself and don’t do the activity you hate. This is a necessary evolution because if there is to be true love, it has to be based on who you are, not who you think your beginning-to-be-significant other will like. But once you actually get to love, your need to constantly assert yourself is softened by your beloved’s influence and the sense that you can give because your love will reciprocate your generosity.’
3. You’re Open-Minded to Other Beliefs: Brown points out, ‘Any good relationship changes us. If being around your beloved makes you examine or change some fundamental part of yourself, it may not be love in and of itself, but it does indicate respect, a willingness to learn from another, and a relationship in which you feel safe enough to try something foreign and scary. Forget about flattery or hypocrisy. Rather, you have the courage, strength, and energy to examine and experiment with a fundamental belief system, be it religion, politics, gun control, abortion, Chinese food, travel, having children, gardening, money, or any other position you used to consider inviolate.’
4. You Like the Idea of Doing Nothing Together: ‘Even though the stakes aren’t very high at the beginning, you might feel that they are, so you play at dating, and one of the easiest ways to play is to do something at all times — either publicly or privately,’ Browne explains. ‘The dating ritual is about finding places to go and things to do. Once a couple is sexual, the thing to do is sexual, and everything else seems just a holding action until the couple can hit the sheets. Then when the initial flurry of sexual activity is over, there is a tendency to want to show each other off because you’re feeling connected and proud. When the idea of doing nothing together is the coolest thing either of you can come up with, you’re very likely in love, because you’ve gone through the other stages of terror, sex, and showing off.’
5. You Can Be Yourself: Browne asserts, ‘When you truly love someone, you want them to know who you are and love you for all that you are, not just for who you pretend to be. When you’re in a truly loving relationship, you can be honest and direct and take chances. The tricky part of being in love is that it can encourage you to be yourself but ups the ante that you might make someone whom you really want to stay change their mind and leave if you show the real you. You want your beloved to be happy now and forever, and the only way to do that is to be who you really are.’
There are many sexual health articles out there dedicated to having “better sex” but there’s more to a healthy sex life than just straight-up great sex, every time. Sexual wellbeing encompasses all different kinds of sex – even a few you wouldn’t expect! According to sexual wellness expert and psychologist Laura Meers, PhD, ‘You change, you age, and you grow as a couple in an emotional and an intellectual way. Hopefully you’re growing and changing sexually too. And the more dimensions there are in a relationship in general, the more you will see those dimensions reflected in your sex life.’ So how many of these kinds of sex can you tick off your check list?
1. Pushing-Your-Boundaries Sex: Meers explains, ‘People in long-term relationships sometimes crave excitement and stimulation, but don’t know how to get it with their partner, but you can get that in your current relationship by pushing your regular comfort zone. The anxiety you feel about trying something new mimics what happens when you’re with somebody new. So if you can create that feeling within the confines of an intimate, close, trusting relationship, you will keep reenergising what you have.’
2. Maintenance Sex: Anita Clayton, MD, a professor at the University of Virginia’s Department of Psychiatric Medicine and author of the book Satisfaction, notes, ‘Some couples think everything has to feel perfect, or you both have to be in a sexual mood to have sex.’ However, just-for-the-sake-of-it sex is vital, as it builds regular opportunities for connection into your relationship. Clayton points out, ‘Sex is the one activity a couple has that excludes other people. It keeps your bond unique and strong.’
3. Embarrassing-Moment Sex: ‘Sex is full of smells and sights and sounds; it’s natural,’ says Debra Herbenick, PhD, a researcher for the Kinsey Institute and associate director for the Centre for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University. ‘You’re having sex with human bodies, and they do funny things sometimes, and that’s okay.’ Clinical psychologist and marriage and family therapist Ruth Morehouse, PhD, adds, ‘True intimacy is about being able to feel comfortable and real with each other in awkward, embarrassing situations.’
4. Holiday Sex: Meers asserts, ‘On vacation, you’re at your most carefree, which means you can try new things you won’t have to be accountable for at home.’ However, you don’t need to hop on a plane to experience great holiday sex. Meers advises, ‘Head to a hotel downtown and call it a vacation. You can look forward to it and build it up beforehand for even better sex.’
5. Make-Up Sex: You’re raw, exposed and vulnerable after a big fight, which makes for perfect conditions for intense, soul-to-soul physical bonding. Clayton comments, ‘In many ways, make-up sex restores a level of closeness that you may feel was fractured by the argument. Sex can repair that fracture.’ However, if the only time you’re getting along is when you’re in the sack, you may need to take a break from the make-ups and deal with your issues with your clothes on first.
6. Comfort Sex: Sex can be the perfect antidote if you’re feeling sad, depressed, grieving, alone, or hurt, because it’s the opposite of all those things. Clayton argues, ‘Grief tends to drive a wedge between couples. I’ve seen couples break up because something bad happens, but sex can help restore the intimate relationship you have. Instead of letting grief pull you apart, you can use it to pull each other close again.’ Morehouse adds, ‘Sex is a way of declaring your aliveness. It’s a way of defending yourself against the inevitability of death or loss.’
It’s a common myth that men never turn down sexual advances from women, but there are cases where the opposite is true. In fact, some men are so desperate to turn down these advances that they become incredibly angry at the thought of having sex with their partner. So why are magazines and TV programmes promoting the concept that men are always the ones eager for a sexual relationship when the opposite is sometimes true? Male passivity towards physical intimacy is a real problem in 20 to 30 per cent or more of couples, according to researchers. For many couples, the woman is the person initiating sex and trying to get her partner aroused, and the male partner is the one ignoring those advances. It’s a common problem that sex counsellors are greeted with on a regular basis – women feel as though the roles have been reversed in the relationship, and that they always feel the need to initiate intimacy and sex, a role traditionally taken on by the man.
If you’ve been rejecting your wife’s advances, it’s easy to feel guilty about your reasons but have you really considered why you’re doing it? And also, the effect it has on your wife? When a man feels a lack of interest in sex with his wife, she will feel several emotions. In the first instance, she will feel undesirable and wonder if she’s still attractive, both to you and in general. She will wonder if you still love her, and she will feel profoundly rejected. According to the Bible, God’s design is for a man to be ‘united to his wife, and they will become one flesh’ – sex in marriage is meant to be shared, not withheld. And when that romance and intimacy is not shared, it creates a void in the relationship that can become difficult to repair.
Physical intimacy is not optional in marriage, and when you ignore the needs of your wife to cultivate that intimacy and passion, you’re opening up the relationship to a big void. Romance and sex, just as it does for anyone, affirms a woman and helps her to feel confident and loved. Imagine how you would feel if your advances were repeatedly rejected – it would hurt and after a while you would begin to wonder what value you have within the relationship if you’re no longer desired by your partner. Sex and intimacy holds enormous power within a couple’s private life, and has the power to strengthen or destroy the relationship. So it’s important that you find out why you’re feeling this way. Has your wife made you angry or do you resent her for something? Perhaps this is something a counsellor could help you work through as a couple, so that you can get back to building a strong union. Perhaps you have lost the desire to have sex entirely, not just with your wife, and this may be based on a hormonal issue that your GP could help with. Or maybe you need to make an effort to rekindle the romance and spark between you and your wife – maybe you’ve got so used to the habit of rejecting her advances that you worry you won’t be able to go back to how your relationship used to be. It’s important to be honest with your wife though and communicate why you’re feeling the way you do, so that you can both begin to resolve the issue rather than ignoring it and letting it perpetuate.
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