Everyone wants a happy relationship, but sometimes it can seem like you’re asking for the impossible. Psychologists have done some research into what’s required to create the happy and stable relationship we all want, and they’ve come to the conclusion that you need just three components: passion, shared interests and intimacy. You should think of your relationship as a three-legged stool – if you have all three components, the relationship will be stable. If not, things can get a bit wobbly. If your relationship is based on passion and intimacy, you have a romantic relationship. One which combines intimacy and shared interests but lacks the physical passion is known as a companionate relationship, and a relationship which has passion and shared interests but no intimacy is referred to as a shallow relationship.
The passion side of things comes from the way you see your partner – the excitement you feel at seeing them, at being turned on by them, and by sex. But more than just understanding how you rate the passion with your partner, you also need to remember that they will have a figure in mind for themselves as well – do they match up? If you rate the passion in your relationship as a 3, but they rate it as a 9, that could cause a problem. Passion doesn’t just have to be sex either – it can be a number of things, from holding hands to kissing. Think about the ways you’re passionate with your partner, and the ways perhaps you could increase this to become closer.
Shared interests are what make us connect with our partners on a more day-to-day basis. It’s fulfilling to have someone to share your common interests and goals with, as it helps us feel close to them. Try rating where you think you and your love are on a scale of one to ten in terms of shared interests, with one meaning you and your partner have no shared interests and ten meaning you do everything together. Then ask your partner. If you’re on the lower end of the scale, it’s not to say that your relationship is doomed to fail. But it could mean that you may benefit from taking up a hobby or activity together, or becoming more interested in what each of you do – if he likes golf and you like swimming, why don’t you try taking part in these activities as a couple sometimes to share the fun?
Lastly, intimacy is important in a relationship. But when people think about intimacy, they invariably think of sex. That’s not the only answer – are you close? Do you enjoy sharing confidences with each other? Do you have an honest, communicative relationship? There are so many ways to be intimate with someone, and it doesn’t have to rely on a great sex life. Enabling yourself to be vulnerable and letting your guard down is important to increase the level of trust, and to share yourself entirely and emotionally with another person. Once again, rate where you are together on a scale of one to ten. If you don’t consider your relationship to be particularly intimate, ask yourself what’s lacking – are you not being honest or communicating much with each other? Do you not feel as though you can share your innermost thoughts and feelings with one another? This may be something your relationship could benefit from if it’s lacking at the moment, and is something both of you can enjoy.
