For Love or Money: How Online Dating is Just Economics

After more than 20 years, Stanford professor and economist Paul Oyer found himself back on the dating scene and turned to dating sites, finding that searching for a romantic partner online was remarkably similar to something he’d been studying all his life: economics. But how are financial wellness and sexual health linked? Oyer, who is now happily in a relationship with a woman he met on JDate, has written a whole book on the subject, entitled Everything I Ever Needed to Know About Economics I Learned From Online Dating, and sat down with wellness writer Christina Chaey to discuss economics-related dating tips.

 

1. Know What You Want: Chaey notes, ‘People end up on online dating sites for a variety of reasons — some are looking for casual hook-ups with multiple people, while others are seeking monogamous, long-term love. Knowing what you’re looking for will help inform the way you describe yourself to others.’ Oyer advises, ‘If you want to show that you’re serious and you’re ready to settle down, you should consider having one or two pictures that show that.’

 

2. Be Wary of Those Who Have Been on the Site for a While: According to Oyer, ‘If someone’s on a dating site for a long time, that’s a problem.’ If you discovered a house had been for sale for a long time in a pretty active housing market, wouldn’t that raise a red flag in your mind? After all, what’s wrong with this house that no one wants it?! Oyer explains, ‘By the same token, if a person’s been on a dating site for a long time, or has never had a serious relationship, there’s some hidden information that you want to be wary of.’

 

3. Online Dating Should be the Same as Job Hunting: Chaey points out, ‘Finding the right partners, of course, is nothing like buying a house — the house you like doesn’t have to like you back in order for things to work out…Looking for a partner online is a lot like shopping around for a new job, in that you’ll always be wondering if you could do a little better. But whether it’s a new job or a partner, you can’t keep searching forever, otherwise you’d be unemployed or lonely forever.’

 

4. Keep an Open Mind: Oyer’s now-girlfriend is the proud owner of two pugs, and Oyer admits, ‘I hate little dogs, and I had this association that anyone who would like little dogs is not the type of person I would want.’ However, if he had written her off just for that, he wouldn’t now be dating her, so don’t let the little things get in your way.

 

5. But Know Your Deal-Breakers: ‘The children and the dog were parts of my life I wasn’t willing to give up, and a relationship that didn’t work those in was going to be a problem,’ Oyer recalls. Chaey adds, ‘It’s best to know what you’re definitely not going to change about yourself, like your political beliefs, to be with someone else.’

 

6. Offer Up More Information: Chaey details, ‘There are two major problems with presenting information about yourself on online dating sites. The first is that people lie about themselves all the time — an infamous OkCupid blog post outlines the big ways people fudge their personal details, including how guys often say they’re two inches taller than they are in real life. The second, related problem is that people tend to make negative assumptions if you don’t explicitly offer up a certain piece of information about yourself in your profile, like your body type, or your income.’

Categories: dating, dating site, dating sites, Economics, long time, nbsp, Online, online dating, open mind, oyer, partner online

Non-Monogamy: Does It Appeal To You?

These days, everyone seems to be inventing their own way of dating, from open relationships to multiple dating and lifelong fidelity. There are numerous ways to approach passion and love, and celebrities seem to be more and more open to the less traditional route of relationships. But people aren’t simply sleeping around with whoever they want. There are templates for this kind of dating that more people are latching onto. There are five new ways to be in a relationship, according to experts. Here’s a list of what you can expect in the world of dating now, from dating men and women at the same time, to being in love with a number of people at once.

 

Flexi-sexuals

This is the new buzzword for straight men and women who experiment with bisexuality, but perhaps don’t necessarily conform to it as a label. This isn’t just for adventurous singletons, but also for people in relationships who are experimenting with their own sex (with the consent of their partner, of course!). This is almost like a stepping stone for people who are nervous about plunging into a full open relationship status, and is all about the fluidity of a relationship. The other word for this is pan-sexual – in other words, the ability to fancy people of all genders and sexualities.

 

Hybrid relationships

Extra-marital frisson can be explored in a number of ways, but it doesn’t have to take two – you can always just get their consent, even if you can’t get them as enthusiastic as you are about the subject. It’s becoming increasingly common for one partner to allow the more sexually charged of the pair permission to enjoy a little extra-marital activity while they stay at home. It may seem like one partner is getting the raw end of this deal, but actually this way of being in a relationship works for many couples. For example, there are websites dedicated to people having affairs and for people who simply don’t enjoy sex much anymore, it can be a great way for couples to stay together but both get what they need.

 

Multiple Dating

Consider this trying before you buy – the idea that you date multiple men or women, rather than immediately settle down with the first person you meet up with. This is common in cities such as New York, where dating is popular, as opposed to in Britain where dating in this way isn’t all that common. Recent surveys suggest that 63 per cent of women and 53 per cent of men date multiple people at the same time.

 

Posh Swingers

Couples’ parties are becoming more popular, but this isn’t the aged version of a sleazy swingers party in someone’s living room. This is an elegant party of sexy waiters and canapes, where couples sip champagne whilst parading around in Agent Provocateur. It can be popular amongst couples who feel their sex life needs spicing up a bit.

 

Polyamory

Polyamorous couples believe that love isn’t reserved for just one person – this is more than simply having sex with multiple partners. Some poly people have a primary partner who is considered their number one, but then also love other people as well and maintain relationships with them all. If it’s a three-way bond, it’s a triad; if there are four, it’s a quad. There have even been TV programmes based around this type of relationship, something which works for a number of couples now.

Categories: Couples, date multiple, dating, extra marital, love, multiple, multiple dating, nbsp, people, Relationships, Sex

Too Busy For Love? Try A Part-Time Relationship

In these busy times, finding the physical space in your life to take care of your sexual wellness and wellbeing can be quite a challenge. Now the part-time romance has become the favoured form of low maintenance relationship, for those people who simply don’t have the time and certainly don’t have the desire for a full-blown relationship. Busy, independent young professionals are increasingly indulging in casual relationships which take up as little time and energy as possible whilst still meeting their needs.

 

Parttimelove.co.uk is a new website set up based around this concept. It was launched by journalist, blogger and relationship author Helen Croydon, based on the idea that people often want to find meaningful romance but don’t have time for all the obligations that usually go with it. So, if you’re looking for a partner to sleep with, have pleasant times with but avoid meeting the parents, this might be the one for you. On the website, there is a database of all members who have selected to opt in from other dating sites. It costs upwards of £20 for membership and users have a profile picture and a biography, the same as any other dating site. The only difference is that all those who are on the site understand that every member wants to retain their independence. Shift workers in the health profession find the site useful, as they are able to have a relationship that works around their irregular hours. Casual relationships understand that there are times when their new squeeze can’t see them, which is different to how things normally work in the dating world. Others who join have recently come out of long-term relationships so want to be clear that they are not looking for commitment, but without playing any games.

Categories: Busy, casual relationships, dating, part, relationship, site, time

Five Signs That You’re Well and Truly in Love

Family wellness begins when two people fall in love, but how do you know if the Big L has called your name? Let’s take a look at some of the potential signs that you’re loved up:

 

1. You Want to Talk About Not Dating Other People: According to Joy Browne, author of Dating For Dummies (3rd Edition), ‘The issue isn’t a willingness to be exclusive. It’s a willingness to talk about and explain being exclusive. A surprisingly large number of men and women are surreptitiously monogamous, feeling that their willingness to forgo all others gives power to the partner. But when you’re willing to admit that you’re willing to share the power and admit your vulnerability (I really like you and hope you like me as much), not only are you in love, but you sound like a rational, fairly adult soul in the bargain.’

 

2. You’re Willing to Go Somewhere You Hate: ‘The willingness to go someplace you actually hate with someone you actually love — and not be a pain in the neck about it — is one of the hallmarks of love,’ says Browne. ‘When you first start to date, you’re tempted to do whatever it takes to get the date off the ground because you’re blinded by the possibilities. During the next phase of dating, you stand up for yourself and don’t do the activity you hate. This is a necessary evolution because if there is to be true love, it has to be based on who you are, not who you think your beginning-to-be-significant other will like. But once you actually get to love, your need to constantly assert yourself is softened by your beloved’s influence and the sense that you can give because your love will reciprocate your generosity.’

 

3. You’re Open-Minded to Other Beliefs: Brown points out, ‘Any good relationship changes us. If being around your beloved makes you examine or change some fundamental part of yourself, it may not be love in and of itself, but it does indicate respect, a willingness to learn from another, and a relationship in which you feel safe enough to try something foreign and scary. Forget about flattery or hypocrisy. Rather, you have the courage, strength, and energy to examine and experiment with a fundamental belief system, be it religion, politics, gun control, abortion, Chinese food, travel, having children, gardening, money, or any other position you used to consider inviolate.’

 

4. You Like the Idea of Doing Nothing Together: ‘Even though the stakes aren’t very high at the beginning, you might feel that they are, so you play at dating, and one of the easiest ways to play is to do something at all times — either publicly or privately,’ Browne explains. ‘The dating ritual is about finding places to go and things to do. Once a couple is sexual, the thing to do is sexual, and everything else seems just a holding action until the couple can hit the sheets. Then when the initial flurry of sexual activity is over, there is a tendency to want to show each other off because you’re feeling connected and proud. When the idea of doing nothing together is the coolest thing either of you can come up with, you’re very likely in love, because you’ve gone through the other stages of terror, sex, and showing off.’

 

5. You Can Be Yourself: Browne asserts, ‘When you truly love someone, you want them to know who you are and love you for all that you are, not just for who you pretend to be. When you’re in a truly loving relationship, you can be honest and direct and take chances. The tricky part of being in love is that it can encourage you to be yourself but ups the ante that you might make someone whom you really want to stay change their mind and leave if you show the real you. You want your beloved to be happy now and forever, and the only way to do that is to be who you really are.’

Categories: browne, dating, exclusive, love, nbsp, openness, relationship, willingness

Single Ladies - Where is Best to Travel to?

According to statistics, single ladies congregate in certain cities more than others. Thanks to programmes like Sex and The City, we associate city life with singles and great relationships, so where are the real life versions of Carrie Bradshaw residing according to studies? Here is a list of the top places to be single.

1 – San Francisco not only keeps women fit thanks to it’s hilly terrain, but according to the American Human Development Index, it’s also second for women’s educational attainment, median earnings and life expectancy – this means women here are well educated, earn plenty of money and will live a long time. It also rated 10th for the Gallup-Heathways poll of the fittest cities, garnering the second lowest obesity levels in the country. It’s also a great urban area, with plenty of wild grassland and redwoods to explore. And how is it for dating? Well, in 2004 it was announced that the city’s Golden Ration of single men was at 140 percrent, so it’s a great place for finding a relationship.

2 – Portland in Oregon is a great hipster city with plenty of bicycle-friendly roads and a fantastic outdoors culture. It’s an urban hikers paradise with plenty to explore, making the people here exceptionally fit. There’s a real creative vibe going on here too, with many people in the design or web fields.

3 – San Diego has the best bits of Los Angeles’ hot and sunny climate, but without the traffic congestion – it also have the shortest average commute time of the 10 largest cities, averaging at about 25 minutes. With all that spare time, it’s no wonder it’s the third best city to date in! It also happens to be one of the healthiest cities in the US, meaning the women (and men) here are fit and healthy.

Categories: dating, Relationships, Women

Middle-Aged Dating: Do You Have an Unhealthy Attitude?

According to Tom Blake, a California resident who has authored books on middle-aged dating, he receives an email, almost weekly, from women who don’t date much because men are intimidated by their beauty, intelligence and confidence. However, Tom argues that men are never intimidated by a woman’s good qualities – why on earth would they be?

Tom cites the views of one of his readers, Maria, aged 68, who said, ‘When we are happy with ourselves, we won’t see the need to change who we are by thinking that men are intimidated by intelligent, confident and attractive women. I don’t think most men are intimidated, but find women of this nature to be more interesting. Don’t cut yourself short ladies, just to fit an image you think men have. Be authentic.’

Tom explains that men simply don’t get intimidated by a woman with amazing qualities, in fact, some will only date women with who possess them. According to Tom, ‘Women who believe they intimidate quality men because of their intelligence, confidence and beauty are kidding themselves. Quality men appreciate those characteristics and other qualities such as kindness, consideration and thoughtfulness as well. Men I know do not look for women they can manipulate. They look for women who are equals.’

Maria adds, ‘I live in California and as a New England-raised person, find men in California different in their outlook, and yes, their tendencies to want someone 10 or more years younger. But I also think they are not all bad and a lot of men do look for women their own age. If we hold the negative frame of mind that there are no good men here, that’s who we will attract, all the bad guys, like a magnet.’ Maria notes that the reason she attracted “bad guys” was ‘me and my negative attitude; I realised I had subconsciously put up a “no vacancy” sign. I’m waking up now, changing my attitude to a more open frame-of-mind and trying to figure out how to get to know men again with my confidence intact. There are plenty of high-energy, spiritual men around who are older.’

 

Middle-Aged Dating: Do You Have an Unhealthy Attitude?

Categories: attitude, dating, intimidation