Often, your state of mental wellbeing is the biggest culprit for interfering with your sexual health. Whether you’re stressed, worried or feeling insecure, your brain can put a damper on sex – but how do you let go and relax?
According to award-winning wellness writer Hope Gillette, ‘It is possible to overcome insecurities, and the first step along that road is realising we all have them. Everyone is insecure about something; some of us just hide it better than others…You need to get a grip on your lack of confidence, however, because being insecure can do a number on your sex life…Being preoccupied and insecure with how you look can affect how much you enjoy sex. People who are insecure about their bodies, appearance, or abilities can have intense feelings of shame or shyness–emotions which are not conducive to the freedom of intimacy.’
Ann Kearney-Cooke, PhD, director of the Cincinnati Psychotherapy Institute, comments, ‘Women with poor body image don’t initiate sex as often, and they’re more self-conscious. Sexual intimacy involves the sharing of your innermost essence with another person, and being able to pay attention to yourself as well as to your partner.’ Insecurities can also lead to a number of health issues, as well as damaging your relationship. The stress and anxiety associated with insecurities can cause:
- Erectile dysfunction
- Inability to orgasm
- Vaginal dryness
- Loss of libido
- Substance abuse
- Depressed fertility
So how do you overcome your insecurities, and have a better sense of overall wellbeing as a result?
1. You’re Not Alone: Gillette advises, ‘Don’t forget: everyone has something they are insecure about.’ While this doesn’t mean it will be any easier for you to get over your insecurities, it is nice to know that you’re not in this alone. It may be helpful to talk to your partner about his or her insecurities, so you know you’re not the only one who’s worried. Gillette points out this can help you ‘overcome insecurities in bed by building real intimacy.’
2. Get Naked: While it may be the last thing you want to do, Gillette recommends walking around the house naked, as this can help you ‘to be comfortable in your own skin.’
3. Get the Right Mindset: Gillette notes, ‘Remember that people like different things; not everyone is attracted to rail-thin models or voluptuous women or muscular guys…Also remember, appearance is not as important when it comes to sexuality and pleasure. Don’t buy into this myth.’ She adds, ‘Don’t worry about the orgasm. Too much pressure is on climax; sex is about enjoyment and intimacy, and it is possible to enjoy another person without having an orgasm.’
4. Play Up Your Good Points: ‘Have great feet?’ asks Gillette. ‘Pamper them and buy some great nail polish. What matters is how good you feel with yourself – as you are.’
5. Masturbate: ‘Don’t be afraid to masturbate,’ Gillette asserts. ‘This will reassure you about feeling pleasure and can help you instruct a partner about the things that work for you.’
6. Ask Your Doctor: Gillette warns, ‘Don’t assume painful sex is normal. If pain is causing your insecurities you need to seek medical advice.’
7. Communicate: ‘Accept what you need to enjoy sex,’ says Gillette. ‘This means if you need dirty talk to enjoy yourself, ask your partner how they feel about it. Don’t wait for in-the-moment. Talking about sex as adults in a neutral atmosphere can be much less stressful than springing something on a partner during the act.’
8. Choose the Right Partner: Gillette recommends, ‘Wait until you trust someone fully before you have sex. This may sound like a no-brainer, but many people feel pressured to be intimate early in the relationship and don’t wait to feel comfortable with their partner. When you trust someone, you overcome insecurities easily.’
