Having an orgasm at the same time as your partner can be an amazing experience, but some women feel bad that they can’t achieve it every time. Is mutual climaxing key to sexual wellness? Or is there more to sex than that? We spoke to sexual health columnist Candy Kane for her answers on the elusive dual orgasm. The key things to remember are lubrication, focus, foreplay, communication and taking note of any health problems you might have. If you sort out these things, you’ll be having more mutual satisfaction in no time. It’s not going to be perfect every time, but you can take these steps to try to make it so.
1. What Gets in the Way of Mutual Climaxing? ‘A number of factors can affect how sex goes,’ says Kane. ‘Maybe you or your partner are too stressed because of a busy schedule. The brain plays a role during sex, as well as the genitals. It registers the sensations and interprets them for you. If you’re lying there thinking about a homework assignment, you will lose the mood and you might not get it back until you let go and ignore it. You have time to do your homework later. During sex, think about sex. Focus on your body, your partner’s body, the way he or she feels. Change positions if you need to. It can bring you back to thinking about the act, and some positions are better for stimulation, anyway.’
2. What Role Does Foreplay Play in Mutual Climaxing? According to Kane, ‘If you are a female and you wonder why you don’t orgasm all the time, perhaps it’s because you’re not being properly primed during foreplay. An article on Cosmopolitan.com quoted a sexologist who stated, “Most women need about 20 minutes of arousal time to reach the ‘orgasmic platform.’” Ask your partner if he or she will spend 20 minutes on just you. They’re most likely going to enjoy themselves, as well, if they can have their way with you (with consent, of course!). My boyfriend certainly enjoys getting to tease me.’
3. What Do You Do When Your Lack of Orgasm Gets Frustrating (In More Ways than One)? ‘Always be aware of the other factors like stress, proper lubrication and the position before you get frustrated and place blame,’ Kane advises. ‘But remember, it’s nobody’s fault if one or both of you can’t orgasm. Be sensitive to the man in the partnership, as well. Men might be subconsciously worrying about their performance. Tell them when they’re doing something for you. Communication is key during sex. It’s not a silent act where one position always makes something happen. This is real life, not the movies. Everybody is different. You have to experiment and find out what works for you, and it could be different in every relationship you have. Just don’t worry about being perfect the first time or every time. Everyone should be comfortable telling their partner what’s going on for them and you can work out how to help it from there. Don’t get mad at your partner or yourself. Try again.’
4. Could a Health Problem Be at Play? ‘Some other things that could be affecting your performance are health problems,’ says Kane. ‘If you have a cold, if you have an orgasmic disorder or if you take birth control pills or other medicine that affects sexual stimulation, see a doctor or do some research. There are some reliable sources online that can give you a general idea of your problem so you know what to ask your doctor about.’
