You may think your partner is pretty simple when it comes to sex, but men actually have a lot more going on behind that “wham, bam, thank you mam,” façade. Here is everything your guy wishes you knew about his sexual wellbeing:
1. He Responds to Praise: According to sexual health and wellness writer Brendan Tapley, ‘It’s believed that men are so consumed by our libido that we have no self-consciousness surrounding sex. But men are no different from women when it comes to compliments as catalysts for sexual confidence. This praise can be delivered before reaching the bedroom (give us the once-over and tell us how buff we look), and after (give us the once-over and tell us how buff we look naked). Along those lines, men worry about the size of their guts (and other measurable organs), their hair (or lack thereof) and other attributes. Try to be extra affirming about those sensitivities.’
2. He Fears Intimacy…But Not for the Reason You Think: Tapley details, ‘Studies have shown that boys are more affectionate, even more expressive, than girls until they reach school age. At that time, social repression begins—of words, thoughts, feelings—and our desire for human connection goes underground. So taboo is this desire for intimacy that its possibility can terrify men—not because it’s smothering, but because we realise how desperate we are for it. What’s a woman to do? First, understand that your guy’s hasty retreat post-sex may be about his own shock at how much he craves a connection with you (and how much he’s denied it in life). Then, retreat a little yourself. This gives him time to see that his boyhood habits are, in fact, perfectly manly.’
3. He Appreciates Sex for Sex’s Sake: Psychotherapist and sexologist Joe Kort, PhD, notes, ‘Men want their wives to enjoy raw sex, not just endure it or take it personally. For men, it’s not about dominating a woman, but ravishing her.’
4. He’s Not Just His Penis: Men have ‘many erogenous zones,’ says psychologist Melodie Schaefer, PsyD. ‘Men tend not to correct women because they’re afraid women will shut down and not touch them at all. But there are many places a woman should touch.’ Tapley advises touching ‘the chest, the inner thighs and face. Two other key areas: Gently gripping a man’s testicles can be a real turn-on, as it blends control with release. Also, stimulating the perineum, the area between the scrotum and anus, will heighten pleasure during oral sex.’
5. He Encourages Fantasies: Dr. Kort points out, ‘Men want to share their fantasies but worry their wives will shame or judge them.’ Tapley adds, ‘Men wish women would reveal their imaginings. Want to open yourself to these possibilities? Try making a game of it. First, and most important, promise not to judge the other; then, privately write out scenarios that have tantalized you and place them in a box. When you are next intimate, pull one out. If you’re both comfortable, give it a shot. If not, [ask] the author a key question: What about this fantasy do you like? Sometimes, its themes can be addressed in different, more comfortable scenarios.’
6. He Likes It When You Talk: ‘Talking during sex stimulates more than our ears,’ Tapley explains. ‘What kind of talk? Dirty, praising and instructive are great starts. As amusing as it may sound, a woman’s words can make a guy feel as potent and virile as a Roman gladiator, even if he’s a suburban banker.’
7. He Needs Your Honesty: Tapley comments, ‘Sex can solve the stresses of a relationship, but it’s often where the stresses show up. If we complain about a lack of sex (or your doing certain things only on our birthday), we may be overlooking serious issues that underpin such withholding. We need you to enlighten us. The male ego is often tied to sex, so it’s easy for us to dismiss bedroom problems as female disinterest rather than issues we have a part in. Avoiding these problems, however, only perpetuates your feeling unseen and our frustration.’
