Why Do Women Find it Harder to Get in the Mood for Sex?

While sleep is an important aspect of your overall wellbeing, when you find yourself craving your 40 winks more than you crave sex, you know you’ve let things slide. However, even when you’re wearing your PJs during the daytime and your hair’s a mess, your partner still wants to get down and dirty – why is that? Even if you do find time in your hectic schedule for a quickie, your mind isn’t on your sexual health or your partner. Instead, you’re thinking about which kid you need to pick up from which after-school club, or how you’re going to meet that deadline at work. So why do men find it easier to switch gears than women?

 

If you’re worried about your lack of arousal, sex books are a good place to start. According to the Kinsey Report, when your body begins to respond sexually – clinically speaking – your vagina becomes congested with blood and lubricated; often your nipples become harder and erect; your upper body may look flushed; and your general muscle tension builds as your heart rate and blood pressure increase. However, if arousal was just a matter of physicality, sure all you or your partner would need to do is push a few of the right buttons and you’d be good to go. In actual fact, your capacity for arousal hinges on lots of things, including:

 

1. Your hormone level (especially during and after pregnancy)

 

2. Your general health and fitness

 

3. Your upbringing

 

4. What your day was like

 

5. How inherently sexual we are

 

Sex therapist Linda De Villers, PhD, author of the forthcoming Love Skills, explains, ‘There’s increasing evidence that women are wired to be different sexually. And some people are fundamentally more sexual. People who are internally wired to be sexual aren’t going to need as many sexual cues to get going — they are sensation seekers with different neurotransmitters in their heads. If you were raised in a sex-positive environment and really value sex as a major way of expressing attachment to your partner, you also don’t need a lot of cues. But if you have a lot of other passions or if you’re preoccupied with something else like work, even in a good way, you’ll need more cues. So you’ve got to look around and ask, How sexy is the environment? And how much pressure is there to have sex? When the cues are seen as pressure, sex is no longer fun. And having children under age five is not associated with a great sex life. There just are real drops when women have young children.’

 

Sex therapist Gina Ogden, PhD, author of Women Who Love Sex, adds, ‘I don’t want to perpetuate any gender myths, but the fact is, women have more on their plates than men do – in fact, women are more overworked than men. Men are able to go out and do their thing. Maybe if we could go play golf on a Sunday, the shoe would be on the other foot. I mean, it’s a whole lot of little stuff: Who’s usually saying, “No, I can’t afford that” or “I can’t go there, I have to go home and feed the baby”? You know, your sexual responses don’t begin in the bedroom. Ideally, they should be going all day. If you think of sex as energy instead of a set of actions, it’s easy to see that if you’re constantly having to stop yourself in all aspects of your life, you’ll also stop your sexual responses.’ So what’s the answer? As relationship doctor, Jane Greer, PhD,  asserts, ‘The most important element is to stay focused on your sexual mindset and don’t let anything interfere.’

Categories: arousal, busy schedule, cues, men and women, nbsp, nbsp sex, partner, phd author, sex therapist, sexual, sexual responses, Women

What Do Women Want? Surprising Female Turn-Ons

Female desire may just be the most mysterious aspect of sexuality for some people, but it’s no surprise with some turn-ons being as complex as they are! There have been many studies into female sexuality and the ways in which it can be heightened, from sex toys to female viagra. Here are some of the more unusual turn-ons that women reveal really gets them going, why and how you can relate them to your own sex lives.

The Beach

For some women, memories evoke a really strong sexual feeling. Kori claims that hitting the beach is the best way to get her in the mood, with memories of hitting the short as a summer when she was younger. Now, as an adult, the salty smell of the air and the brisk air gets her excited by the concept of sex with her husband! Think back to occasions when you’ve been with your partner in locations other than your home and try to recreate some of those memories, from scent to touch or taste – perhaps it was a romantic meal or a particular scent that you remember. Senses are evocative and can help put you back in that frame of mind you were in all that time ago, increasing your arousal and the sensuality in your sex life.

Wild, wild west

Seeing your partner in a new light can be a massive turn-on, and for some women the idea of seeing a man in uniform is a great lead up to sex. Suzanne describes one such occasion when her and her husband visited a photographer in an Old West photography session. In true Old West-style, they dressed up in costumes harking back to the 19th century, including the cowboy hat. The smouldering look on his face and the sexy costume helped Suzanne see her husband in a whole new light, which she found a turn-on. It could be something that you may find helpful to add to your own relationship – costumes and role play can help you both find sex more interesting and can increase your confidence in playing a different role for the night.

Body Types

Never ignore the pleasure of touch and its importance in your sex life. For many women, touch is the very thing which gets them in the mood for sex, particularly when the shape and feel of their body is concerned. Feeling your partner’s body and the curves of his shape is a great precursor to sex and can get you both in the mood. Make some time to really get to know your partner’s body and the way it feels – don’t make it sexual immediately, but rather spend some time paying attention to what your partner’s skin and hair feels like. You’ll be surprised at what a difference it makes to the level of intimacy and passion in your relationship and sex life.

Playing hardball

Showing off your masculine side is a real turn-on for most women and something that’s often overlooked if you’re trying to get in the mood. Joy remembers a man she once dated that worked as a car salesman. When he got worked up negotiating, she found it really arousing that he was showing a more authoritative and masculine side to his personality.As stereotypical as it may be, sometimes falling into those classic personality traits can be great for your sex life – it creates an erotic ambience which feeds into increasing your libido and desire for sex.

Categories: arousal, female, life, partner, sex life, turn, turn-ons, Women

What to Do When Sex Becomes a Painful Ordeal

When sexual pleasure becomes painful, it is known as female sexual arousal disorder. This affects the wellness and wellbeing of thousands of women every year. Female sexual arousal disorder (FSAD) is defined as the recurrent or persistent inability to enjoy sexual activity and a lack of lubrication and swelling response to sexual excitement.

 

This condition is both a physical one, which may come alongside other physical issues associated with sexual dysfunction, and a psychological issue. There are a few different types of FSAD.

 

Genital sexual arousal disorder is when the genitals fail to become aroused, even although other areas of the body may be aroused and the sufferer may be mentally aroused.

 

Subjective arousal disorder occurs when there are diminished feelings of sexual arousal, even when sexual stimuli is present.

 

Combined genital and subjective arousal disorder is when both of the above conditions occur at the same time – feelings of sexual arousal and a physical response to sexual stimuli are both absent at the same time. It can be present on its own or at the same time as other sexual or physical disorders.

 

The causes of female sexual arousal disorder are varied and it can have many different causes. It may be due to problems with the bladder or bowel, as a result of arthritis or following on from previous surgery on the pelvis. Sometimes it occurs alongside neurological problems, fatigue or headaches. Irregular hormone levels can be to blame in some cases, as can untreated depression or anxiety, or even severe stress.

 

In some cases the cause is far more subtle, as it can be something like a negative body image or a problem with self esteem that causes the woman to fail to feel aroused. Others are responding to religious or cultural issues surrounding sex, and in this case counselling may be the most appropriate treatment.

Categories: arousal, arousal disorder, Disorder, female sexual, nbsp, ordeal, painful, Sex, sexual, sexual arousal, sexual stimuli, subjective arousal

How Blood Flow Problems Impact Your Sexual Arousal

When you think about sexual arousal, you tend to think of it as the same thing as wanting to have sex. However, sexual arousal is actually the second phase of lovemaking. First, you want to have sex and then you become aroused through foreplay and intimacy. This makes it easier to understand how sexual health issues impact on your wellness. If your mind says yes but your body doesn’t listen, your wellbeing may be affected by sexual arousal disorder (SAD). SAD – not to be confused with seasonal affective disorder – is defined, medically speaking, as a persistent or recurring inability to maintain sexual responses during the excitement stage of sexual activity. This means you are unable to maintain adequate genital lubrication, swelling or other responses, such as nipple sensitivity. As you need the blood vessels in your genital region to swell for your vagina to become lubricated, any impediment to blood flow could potentially cause SAD. This includes:

 

1. Pelvic surgery: There are 600,000 hysterectomies performed each year and, according to Drs. Jennifer and Laura Berman, two of the nation’s top experts on sexual health for women and authors of Women Only: A Revolutionary Guide to Overcoming Sexual Dysfunction and Reclaiming Your Sex Life, the research on this procedure is contradictory. The Berman sisters note that while some studies claim that hysterectomies can improve your sex life, others have shown negative results. These include decreased vaginal lubrication and a loss of genital sensation, even if the surgery spares your ovaries. The Bermans point out that having your cervix removed and your nerves injured during surgery can severely compromise your blood flow, thereby setting the stage for SAD to impact your wellbeing.

 

2. Childbirth trauma: If suction or forceps causes vaginal tearing, you might find some nerve and vascular damage to your vagina. This leads to problems with sensation in your vagina and clitoris. If you’re breast-feeding, it’s not uncommon to experience decreased lubrication due to your body’s elevated level of the hormone prolactin.

 

3. Blood flow diseases: If you have coronory heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, or high cholesterol, any one of these diseases can get in the way of the blood flow to your pelvic region and, as a result, reduce your ability to become aroused. You may think that high-blood-pressure medications, such as beta-blockers, can help to address this issue; but you’d be wrong; weirdly and ironically enough, beta-blockers can actually cause sexual dysfunction. Because of this, the Bermans asserts, calcium channel blockers have become more popular as a treatment for heart disease, as they have less of an impact on your sexual function. If you have a blood flow disease and are experiencing loss of sexual function, calcium channel blockers may be a good option for you, so speak to your GP.

 

4. Hormonal changes: As a woman, there are many things in life that can influence the balance of your hormones. Fluctuations can be instigated by the onset of menopause, childbirth or medications. If you take progestin-dominant birth control pills, for example, you might find that you experience a loss of libido and vaginal dryness. This latter side-effect is also a common complaint of women who take medications to prevent recurrence of breast cancer, such as Tamoxifen. However, the biggest and most dramatic change will be from a drop in oestrogen, which occurs when you go through menopause. With less oestrogen in your system, your vagina will lose lubrication, and you’ll also go through a number of other unpleasant symptoms. If you’re going through menopause, or any of the above causes of reduced blood flow, speak to your doctor about your options.

Categories: arousal, Beta Blockers, blood flow, blood pressure, calcium channel, hormonal changes, sex life, sexual arousal, sexual dysfunction, sexual function, sexual health

Men: How to Give a Woman an Amazing Orgasm

Female orgasms are linked to many different senses. Unlike men, it is not simply a case of pressing the right buttons (so to speak!) – women need an overall sexual experience to help them achieve orgasm, it is far more sensual and far less mechanical.

 

Orgasm is great for the wellness and wellbeing, though, as it increases blood flow and releases ‘feel good’ hormones in the brain which fight against stress, anxiety and depression, and also help to cement a bond between partners.

 

If you want to make a woman have the best orgasm of her life, think about the senses and how they relate to orgasm. For example, women are sexually influenced by what they hear. As well as indulging in a little sexy talk, you should also be vocally expressive when you are having a good time together. Gasping at the right moment or moaning when you feel pleasure help to increase her arousal.

 

Sight is also very sexy for women – that doesn’t mean that she’ll be up for looking at porn together (although don’t rule it out!) but one thing you could also try is having sex in front of a mirror. Being able to watch what you are doing as you are doing it will be very arousing for her, and can help to create a great orgasm.

 

Smell is another sense that can turn her on – if you’ve started using a new cologne since you met, get hold of the old one and spray a little bit of it on, just occasionally. The smell will trigger feelings of arousal in her as she remembers the early days when you were at it like rabbits.

 

Taste is another one – introducing certain sweet foods as part of your sexual routine can lead to heightened sensuality and arousal, and a mindblowing orgasm at the end of it.

Categories: arousal, nbsp, orgasm, Sex, smell, Women

Are There Things That Gross Out a Woman During Sex?

New research has shown that when women are feeling sexual, they don’t really care at all about how dirty they get, in terms of physical bodily secretions. Sex can be a messy business, with the exchange of bodily fluids of various sorts, and women who are concerned about their wellness and wellbeing are usually also interested in being clean and hygienic at all times, so it may come as a surprise to realise that they are not actually turned off by the fact that sex is a physically messy experience.

It’s a surprising phenomenon, but we can see (due to the fact that procreation has continued to exist since the start of time!) that the messiness and perhaps perceived ‘ugliness’ of sexual contact is not necessarily offputting for women.

The new study took place in the Netherlands, and provided a possible answer for why women are not put off by the messy aspects of sex. The researchers found that sexual arousal may actually dull the part of the female brain that lets women feel ‘disgust’ or other similar emotions. This was explored by the researchers, who took on a unique study that blended porn with plastic bugs, to see if the sexual arousal of the participant in the study would lower their disgust feelings towards the bugs.

If you think about it, the appetite for sex is not a rational feeling – a man who may be perfectly happy to kiss the mouth of his female partner with passion, inserting his tongue into her mouth and so on, would probably be quite disgusted by the idea of using her toothbrush. Why is this? Each has the same hygiene implications. It can only be the case, then, that sexual arousal takes away the elements of disgust that could otherwise exist.

Categories: arousal, disgust, Fluids, messy, Sex, sexual, sexual arousal, Women

The Big Finish: How to Have More Amazing Orgasms

When it comes to your sexual health, you can get a bit obsessed with “the orgasm.” Still, while it’s true that sexual wellness is about more than reaching an end goal, that doesn’t mean if you have trouble climaxing that you should simply go without. I mean, your wellbeing doesn’t depend on an orgasm, but they’re still pretty enjoyable! Knowing more about the elusive Big O can help to unlock the path to reaching it, so let’s see if you can finish your bedroom experience with a bang.

 

First and foremost, if you don’t feel aroused, you won’t have an orgasm. This is a simple fact that can really change how you approach orgasms. Arousal begins in the section of your brain where your sense of smell intersects with your emotions, memory and sexuality. Therefore, triggering this limbic area with stirring smells can kick-start the arousal process throughout your body, which eventually leads to orgasm. The olfactory scents that turn you on may be different to what other people like. Napoleon was known to request his wife not to wash for a week before he came home, whereas a friend of mine loves the smell of men’s aftershave so much she sprays it on her pillow! Whatever does it for you, find a way to sniff it out more often.

 

It may seem like stating the obvious, but another important aspect of arousal is movement. A lot of people tense up and stop moving around during sexual activity, but you need to get those hips moving. You can also experiment with moving all of your limbs, rolling your neck and stretching into new positions to trigger points of arousal you never even knew about. It might be helpful to try strengthening your core as part of your exercise routine, as the ability to hold onto someone you love from the inside will make you feel both strong and sexy.

 

As you’re probably aware from any sex scene in any film ever, people express their arousal through breathing. When you’re aroused, do you tend towards long and slow breaths or do you experience short, fast inhalations? How does your breathing impact your connection to your body, your partner and your orgasmic possibilities? If the answer is “not much,” perhaps changing your breathing pattern can transform your sexual experience. With your partner, try to synchronise your breathing and movement. Although it’s a simple step, refocusing your breathing to come together will deepen your connection to each other, as well as expanding your idea of orgasm.

 

While communication and working with your partner is a key part of reaching orgasm, doing your own solo experiments can help you learn about your body without embarrassment or reservation. When you know the sensations and build-up that lead you to the point of no return, try pulling back and introducing a different form of touch or breath before you try to reach it again. If you struggle climaxing, you may be desperate to reach that point for fear that you won’t have another opportunity, but the longer you wait to surrender to your orgasm, the more power and energy you build up and eventually release. Not only does this enrich your experience with know-how you can pass on to your partner, but it makes each orgasm all the sweeter.

 

Finally, a small application of great, clean lubricant can get you aroused and orgasming in no time, as your body expresses arousal messages as genital secretions. Lubricant isn’t only great for painless friction and more time to experiment; it also helps to trick your brain into feeling aroused if you’re not naturally producing lubricant yourself (which a third of women struggle with).

Categories: arousal, aroused, Breathing, Lubricant, nbsp, orgasm, Orgasms

What Are The Various Stages Of Female Arousal?

The female orgasm has long been studied but what actually happens when a woman becomes aroused? There are various bodily processes which take place when women become aroused during sex, some of which are visible and others which take place within the body. When a woman begins to get aroused, the blood vessels in her genitals dilate which increases the flow of blood to the vaginal walls. This results in fluid passing through them, providing the main source of lubrication to make the vagina wet and sex less painful. The majority of the vagina becomes swollen due to this increase in blood supply, with the clitoris, inner and outer lips, and vaginal opening becoming engorged. Physically, by this stage, the woman will be breathing faster and her pulse will have quickened. By the plateau stage, the blood flow to the lower third of the vagina reaches capacity and leads to the vagina becoming firm – medically, this is referred to as introitus, and this means there will be rhythmic contractions during the orgasm.

 

As she gets closer to orgasm, the clitoris pulls back against the pubic bone and is no longer visible – in order to reach orgasm, a woman requires constant stimulation in this area. The orgasm stage is the intensely pleasurable release of sexual tension which has built up in the earlier stages of intercourse – it’s characterised by the contractions which take place in the genital muscles, generally 0.8 seconds apart. There is no recovery stage after an orgasm for women as there is with men, so a woman can have another orgasm immediately afterwards if she is stimulated again. After an orgasm, her body will slowly return to a normal state which means the swelling will reduce, her breathing will slow down and her heart rate will return to normal.

 

Since 2000, researchers have been looking into the various ways that they can influence and improve the female orgasm, through developing drugs that mimic the effects of Viagra in men. So far, these efforts have proven to show no effect on women – while Viagra works to improve a man’s sexual function, it only slightly increases the lubrication in women. The female orgasm is quite different to that of a man, as all women vary and their arousal triggers differ. Some women aren’t very interested in sex, whereas others are passionate about it – the levels of sex drive vary enormously from woman to woman. Research suggests that most modern women are very open about sex and talking about the subject, which compares massively to the thoughts that both men and women had on the subject years before. Various studies have been carried out to determine how women think about sex, and a small study carried out in 2005 showed that a large proportion of young women have very little interest in sex – most of the women questioned were just starting at university and claimed that they had not yet learned how to reach orgasm. This is, of course, perfectly natural and is something which is developed over time through experience. Unlike men, who generally can climax without any problems from the moment they reach puberty, women require help in reaching orgasm. It’s for this reason that many studies have found that most women will often spend a couple of years experimenting with their sexual feelings before they learn how to climax regularly. After this stage, men and women tend to respond to the same sort of stimuli when it comes to sexual arousal.

Categories: arousal, orgasm, sexual health

Working Out the Kinks: How to Solve Your Bedroom Mismatch

Sometimes, things just don’t work in the bedroom. She loves to take is slow and sensual, while you’re ready to go. Or maybe she’s a foot shorter than you. Whatever your mismatch situation, your sexual health and wellbeing can suffer – but that doesn’t mean you have to throw in the towel. Here’s how you can find a solution that works for both of you.

If her arousal is at a slow burn, but you’re raring to go, there are things you can do to make her feel more sexually amped. According to Scott Haltzman, MD, author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men, sexual arousal ‘actually takes much less time than even women realise.’ The chances are that your lady is in the mood, so try to see if you can make her recognise it by reinforcing the idea. Haltzman advises telling her see that her nipples are hard and you feel she’s wet, as her brain will signal her body to feel that desire.

If you want a little more dirty talk in the bedroom, don’t assume she’s opposed to it just because she’s keeping quiet. Joy Davidson, PhD, a New York-based sex therapist and the author of Fearless Sex, explains, ‘A woman may not like to talk dirty because it takes her away from her body and sensations, but she might really like it if you talk dirty to her.’ Ask her what she wants you to do next, and ask her what she likes best about how it feels. Davidson says, ‘In the future, she’ll have those phrases on hand.’

You may get fed up with always making the first move, but you may not notice that any of her casual comments about sex—or anything about either your body or hers—are often subtle requests, says Haltzman. Also, Patti Britton, PhD, author of The Art of Sex Coaching, argues that women may subconsciously feel they need permission to take the lead. Try to casually hint that you’d wonder what it’d be like if she took the lead, and how you’d like to find out.

Finally, if there’s a significant height difference between the two of you, it’s time to get frisky on different furniture. If your partner is taller than you, try to lie on a small bench so that she can straddle you. Haltzman notes that this allows your partner to have her feet on the ground, ‘giving her leverage and flexibility.’ If you’re the taller one, Brian Zamboni, PhD, a sex therapist and clinical psychologist at the University of Minnesota recommends, ‘try holding her up and pinning her against the wall.’

Categories: arousal, Dirty Talk, Mismatch

Working Out the Kinks: How to Solve Your Bedroom Mismatch

Sometimes, things just don’t work in the bedroom. She loves to take is slow and sensual, while you’re ready to go. Or maybe she’s a foot shorter than you. Whatever your mismatch situation, your sexual health and wellbeing can suffer – but that doesn’t mean you have to throw in the towel. Here’s how you can find a solution that works for both of you.

If her arousal is at a slow burn, but you’re raring to go, there are things you can do to make her feel more sexually amped. According to Scott Haltzman, MD, author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men, sexual arousal ‘actually takes much less time than even women realise.’ The chances are that your lady is in the mood, so try to see if you can make her recognise it by reinforcing the idea. Haltzman advises telling her see that her nipples are hard and you feel she’s wet, as her brain will signal her body to feel that desire.

If you want a little more dirty talk in the bedroom, don’t assume she’s opposed to it just because she’s keeping quiet. Joy Davidson, PhD, a New York-based sex therapist and the author of Fearless Sex, explains, ‘A woman may not like to talk dirty because it takes her away from her body and sensations, but she might really like it if you talk dirty to her.’ Ask her what she wants you to do next, and ask her what she likes best about how it feels. Davidson says, ‘In the future, she’ll have those phrases on hand.’

You may get fed up with always making the first move, but you may not notice that any of her casual comments about sex—or anything about either your body or hers—are often subtle requests, says Haltzman. Also, Patti Britton, PhD, author of The Art of Sex Coaching, argues that women may subconsciously feel they need permission to take the lead. Try to casually hint that you’d wonder what it’d be like if she took the lead, and how you’d like to find out.

Finally, if there’s a significant height difference between the two of you, it’s time to get frisky on different furniture. If your partner is taller than you, try to lie on a small bench so that she can straddle you. Haltzman notes that this allows your partner to have her feet on the ground, ‘giving her leverage and flexibility.’ If you’re the taller one, Brian Zamboni, PhD, a sex therapist and clinical psychologist at the University of Minnesota recommends, ‘try holding her up and pinning her against the wall.’

Categories: arousal, Dirty Talk, Mismatch