Unseen Damage: The Silent Scars of Emotional Abuse

One in every four women will be a victim of domestic violence in her lifetime, which impacts your emotional health long after the threat to your physical wellbeing has gone. The more concerning stats show that most women are afraid to report abuse, with only 25% of physical assaults and just 20% of rapes being reported to the police. However, according to Gunta Krumins, BA, PMP, author of The Detrimental Effects of Emotional Abuse, psychological or emotional abuse is even more underreported and harder to prove, which mean many women’s emotional wellness is at risk to this silent epidemic.

 

Krumins argues, ‘Emotional abuse is the silent monster in our midst, occurring in neighbours’ and loved ones’ homes more than we realise. It is a tragic situation that’s a daily reality for millions. A widespread illegal activity is being ignored when people are victimised in their own homes. What emotional abusers are doing to their victims is criminal and has to be stopped.’ While you may think of an emotional abuser as an obvious, out-and-out bully, often they are “silent monsters” that know precisely how to manipulate situations, and control, hurt and humiliate their victims, all the while appearing to be affectionate.

 

Krumins notes, ‘Emotional abuse is about someone manipulating your emotions on a psychological level, and it goes beyond simple verbal bullying.’ The abusive behaviour is readily explained away or excused by the abuser, but, make no mistake, they know exactly what they’re doing, says Krumins. ‘They’ve been perfecting what they do to people ever since they were little – and they chose to be this way,’ she adds. ‘They don’t want to change and they don’t care who they hurt as long as no one suspects them, and the situation works for them.’

 

The problem with emotional abuse is that it can be hard to spot, as it doesn’t leave any discernible scars. However, there are signs of emotional abuse – albeit subtle ones – and the best way to tackle the epidemic is by raising awareness. People who report suspected abuse often say that nothing seems obviously wrong, but they just had a sense that something seemed off. Your best friend’s new boyfriend seems too good to be true, for example, and you just don’t believe he has genuine affection for her. Krumins explains, ‘You may see or feel things that are off and start second-guessing yourself or making excuses for oddities. Trust your instincts. They’re usually right. And if you know what you’re looking for, you’ll be able to help your best friend.’

 

When you’re the one being emotionally abused, it’s hard to admit to other people that the supposed love of your life is hurting you. However, embarrassment is never a good enough reason to stay in a harmful relationship. When you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you can suffer feelings of conflict, grief, insecurity, feeling overwhelmingly stifled and that nothing you do or say is right or good enough. No matter what you try, be it standing up for yourself or telling the abuser exactly what he wants to hear, the abuse doesn’t readily ease up. Krumins comments, ‘This negative pressure will come at you in various forms, such as threatening, blaming, accusing, yelling, teasing and even laughing, and is applied 24/7 in extreme cases.’

 

Krumins urges, ‘As a victim, no matter what you are being told, you must know that it is not your fault and know that the abuser has no intention of changing. The only thing you can do is leave. Get someone to help you pack your bags and stay away from this person. Never go back. He means you harm.’ She adds, ‘As a community, we have to change our attitude toward emotional abuse. If we continue to ignore it or walk away from those who need our help, we just become enablers ourselves. We have to openly start challenging abusers and holding them accountable for their actions. Exposing the perpetrators of emotional abuse is the very least we can all do to help the victims.’

Categories: abuse, emotional, emotional abuse, krumins, nbsp, nbsp krumins, people, Silent Epidemic, Underreported

Teen Relationships: Are You Aware What’s Going On?

Teen romances aren’t always light hearted and filled with love – some are subject to violence, so you should be aware of the signs so as to be able to help your teen through this time. Abuse in relationships can happen to both men and women, but it is more likely to happen to women and girls. It also happens in same sex relationships. Both physical and emotional abuse can leave a damaging scar on a person’s confidence and mental health, as well as leading to depression, drug and alcohol problems, and eating disorders in some cases.

 

Sexual abuse can also result in pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. There are many facets of physical abuse, from hitting and kicking to pressuring someone into something they don’t want to do, such as sexual activity. Emotional abuse can involve saying things to make your partner feel stupid or small, pressuring them into doing things they don’t want to, checking up on them all the time to find out what they’re doing, and threatening them. Mobile phones and the internet have made abusive partners worse in many ways, making it easier to control people and find out where they are all the time. If you suspect that your child is being abused in their relationship, you should speak to them about it and express your concerns. It’s important that they realise that such behaviour isn’t ok, and that they don’t need to put up with it. Some teens feel that such acts are just part of being in a relationship or that their partner is just messing around. It’s your role as their parent to advise them of the truth and to make them understand that they don’t need to be controlled, whether it is violently or through words.

 

There are signs that you can keep an eye out for, so as to spot the signals of an abusive relationship early on. These include your child’s boyfriend or girlfriend getting extremely jealous when they do anything or go out without them; they may monitor their calls or texts, or check their social network accounts for messages. If they have trouble controlling their emotions, particularly anger, then you may want to be watchful that they aren’t taking this anger out on your teen. Many abusers are verbally abusive and use force when arguing as well. They may also stop their boyfriend or girlfriend from seeing their friends or family as much. Some girls put up with this as they feel that it is a sign their partner loves them and is simply jealous, but this is not true. This form of control is about being manipulative, it is not about love or romance.

 

If you suspect that your child is being abused, you should express that you are there for them and that they can always come to you no matter what. Victims of abuse often feel ashamed so you need to tell them that it isn’t their fault. Finding the words can be difficult, as you will no doubt be worried and concerned, but try to be as emphatic as you can that you are there for them no matter what happens. If you or your teenager are unsure what to do, or how to react to the situation, you may benefit from speaking to a counsellor who can help you navigate the situation safely and effectively. Your GP may be able to help you seek out such services in your local area.

Categories: abuse, emotional abuse, feel, relationship, relationship wellness, teen, Teenagers, time

The Scars of Abuse: Study Shows Impact on Brain Patterns

There’s no denying that childhood sexual and emotional abuse leave their scars on your wellbeing, but a new study has shown that it leaves a distinct pattern on your brain, which feeds into other areas of emotional health. The research, published in the American Journal of Psychiatry, finds that emotional abuse affects the regions of your brain involved in self-awareness, while sexual abuse affecting areas involved in genital sensation.

 

The study, which connects specific types of abuse to symptoms experienced by many survivors later in life, is based on brain imaging from 51 women in Atlanta, aged 18 to 45 who took part in a larger project on the impact that early trauma has on your wellness. Of these participants, 23 experienced either no maltreatment or next to nothing, while the other 28 had been seriously maltreated as children, suffering from various combinations of neglect and emotional, physical and sexual abuse. The women were given a standard questionnaire on childhood trauma to assess their early-childhood experiences, and then the researchers scanned their brains to measure the thickness of various regions of the cortex.

 

There’s a correlation between healthy brain development and thicker cortical regions. Much in the same way that using your muscles enables them to grow and develop, “exercising” regions in the brain means that they will tend to be bigger. However, abuse can get in the way of these regions being used, as your brain can alter patterns of signalling from the pathways involved in order cope with the overwhelming experiences of distress. This reduced input eventually means that those regions will be underdeveloped.

 

Jens Pruessner, associate professor of psychiatry at McGill University in Montreal, explains, ‘If abuse was of a sexual type, we saw changes in the somatosensory cortex, the area that processes input from the body to create sensations and perceptions.’ In this area, a map of your body is created on your brain, each region of which processes sensation from specific body parts. According to Pruessner, compared to women who had not been sexually abused, ‘women who were sexually abused had thinning in the area where the genitalia were located.’

 

This seems to tie in with anecdotal evidence that many sexual-abuse survivors give, albeit varying depending on the severity and the amount of abuse. Still, sexual-abuse survivors generally report sexual problems in adulthood, such as reductions in desire and sensation and even chronic genital pain. Pruessner notes, ‘There are some studies suggesting that thinning of the cortex [in these regions] would be associated with a lowered pain threshold, so you would more easily perceive pain instead of touch from that area.’

 

Emotional abuse left a different type of scar. ‘We [saw thinning] in areas that have to do with self-awareness and emotional regulation, areas in the prefrontal cortex and medial temporal lobe, which typically show activation when people are asked to think about themselves or reflect on their emotions,’ says Pruessner. Depending on who you are and the particular circumstances of the abuse, such experiences can leave you prone to depression, moodiness and extreme or dulled emotional responsiveness. ‘As adults,’ Pruessner adds. ‘[Victims have difficulty] reflecting on themselves and finding the right way to deal with emotions.’

 

In an editorial accompanying the study, Dr. Maria Oquendo, a professor of clinical psychiatry at Columbia University, and her colleagues wrote, ‘If replicated, these data provide compelling evidence about the enduring structural effects on the brain as a function of early life experience.’ Current research is increasingly suggesting that the brain can change dramatically when provided with the right type of support and emotional nourishment, and so this study can shed light on goes wrong during and after abuse, which will help them figure out how to make it right. ‘That is our long-term hope,’ Pruessner says.

Categories: abuse, abuse survivors, Brain, Cortex, emotional, emotional abuse, regions, Research, sexual, Sexual Abuse, sexually abused

Emotional Abuse: What Does the Term Really Mean?

Emotional abuse is easily described as any behaviour which intentionally hurts the feelings of another person. We’ve all had heated arguments with loved ones which have resulted in the harsh exchanging of words, but when this becomes a regular stream of verbal attacks, it starts to take on a new label of emotionally abusive behaviour. In other words, when the person begins to regularly undermine their partner’s confidence, worth or trust, or when they make the other person feel unstable or crazy. Often, emotional abusers manipulate their partner with fear or shame, making them feel self-conscious and ashamed of their actions. For example, they may say things like “You shouldn’t spend so much on clothes, you don’t look good anyway”, “I have to drink to be able to put up with you”, or “Don’t complain about how bad your situation is, no-one else would love you”. These comments can be degrading and hurtful, and over time they can build to become a regular occurrence in a relationship which becomes toxic in itself. Of course, these comments are very direct examples – emotional abuse is generally far more subtle and invasive than this. For example, it may be implied with sarcasm or irony, or be combined with body language, such as disgusted looks, giving the cold shoulder or rolling of eyes.

There is a consistent gender distinction in the kinds of abuse perpetrated – an emotionally abusive man will control his partner with a fear of harm, isolation or deprivation. He will often imply he will hurt her physically or leave her, or even keep her apart from things she loves, such as her children. However, a woman will control her partner with his dread of failure over being a provider for his family, or as being a good lover or parent. For example, with comments such as “I could have married a man who made more money”, “I had more orgasms with my last boyfriend”, or “You aren’t a real man, you don’t know the first thing about being a father”. The differences in vulnerability are key to deciphering the gender roles in emotional abuse. Though we never forget humiliation, many people turn to ignoring the facts as a way of tuning out of the situation. The root of shame is to cover or hide, which is why it is so easy to ignore things which cause us shame. However, you can’t ignore the signs if they are present in your relationship – this will only lead to them getting worse, and destroying both your relationship and your self-confidence.

The effects of emotional abuse are often more severe than physical abuse, as they can destroy your confidence and trust for many years. If you want to rebuild your relationship with your partner, it’s important to build the level of compassion and care you once had for one another. Think about what you’re saying and your actions – how would they feel if you were on the receiving end of them? How do you think your partner is feeling when you say them? And what do you think is causing your need to say them in the first place? Developing self compassion can also help, which is your ability to recognise when you are hurt, with the motivation to improve. Therapy can also help you air your problems with someone outside of the relationship, which can help you get to the root of your issues, both as an individual and as a couple. This is particularly key if there are children involved, as both of you need to create a strong family unit for your children.

Categories: emotional abuse, emotions, relationship

How Does Emotional Abuse Affect the Brain?

A new study has found that childhood emotional and sexual abuse mark women’s brains in distinctive patterns, with emotional affecting regions which are involved in self-awareness and sexual abuse linked to areas involved in genital sensation. In research involving 51 women in Atlanta, twenty-eight of the participants had previously been involved in maltreatment as children. This involved various combinations of neglect and emotional, sexual and physical abuse. The other 23 women had received either none or nearly no abuse – the average age was 27. The participants were given a questionnaire on childhood trauma in order to assess the early childhood experiences – their brains were then scanned to measure the thickness in different areas of the cortex. The cortical thickness is associated with brain development – the thicker areas generally tend to imply healthier growth. If the regions have been ‘exercised’, this is signified in their size, as brains are like muscles and develop with use.

 

Abuse, researchers have found, can interfere with the development of these regions. In order to cope with extreme distress, the brain can alter its signalling patterns which can leave regions underdeveloped from reduced input. If a child has been raped, for example, the brain may react by reducing the connectivity to regions which have been hurt. Researchers have found that with sexual abuse, there were changes in the somatosensory cortex, which processes the input from the body to create sensations and perceptions.

 

Emotional abuse, however, leaves a different type of scar. Here, researchers found that the regions associated with understanding and controlling emotions were altered. There were thinner areas in regions which were connected to self-awareness and emotional regulation, in the prefrontal cortex and medial temporal lobe. Emotional abuse can leave victims more susceptible to depression, extreme or dulled emotional responses and moodiness. It doesn’t mean that recovery is impossible though, with most survivors not developing symptoms in this way. Research has shown that the brain can significantly change when offered the right support and emotional nourishment.

Categories: depression, emotional abuse, new study