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Showing posts with label desire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label desire. Show all posts
The BDSM bestseller, 50 Shades of Grey, titillated the interest and expanded the sexual imaginations of millions of American women. Yet the results of a new sex survey reveal that many of those very women, in their own lives, in their own beds, are saying no: “Not tonight.” “I’ve got a headache.” “I’m just too f-ing tired.”
According to the 450-women survey, 27% of premenopausal women and 34% of postmenopausal women are very dissatisfied with their current level of sexual desire. And while more than 70% of those women say their relationships have suffered as a result, very few have sought help for it.
“The women in the survey didn’t even know [low desire] was an actual thing,” says Sheryl A. Kingsberg, PhD, professor of both reproductive biology and psychiatry at Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine in Cleveland and author of an upcoming Journal of Women’s Health article on the survey. “They didn’t realize that low sexual desire is a medically recognized condition with a name—Female Sexual Interest and Arousal Disorder—and that there are places to go for treatment.”
It is and there are, stresses Kingsberg—sort of.
Yes, Female Sexual Interest and Arousal Disorder is in the latest edition of the diagnostician’s Bible—the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, or DSM for short—and by all indications, it’s alarmingly prevalent. And while psychotherapy can be very helpful for women for whom flagging desire is psychological in origin, there are no FDA-approved drug treatments for low female sexual desire that’s biologically driven—no pink Viagras. And Kingsberg says, that makes many family docs loathe even to bring up sexual health during a routine exam. “They don’t have anything to offer patients, so the attitude is, ‘Why talk about it?’ ” she says. “Often, they don’t.”
Which means it’s up to you to bring it up.
“Low sexual desire truly is a silent epidemic among women,” says Louann Brizendine, MD, founder and director of the Women’s Mood and Hormone Clinic at the University of California, San Francisco and author of The Female Brain. “Women feel they will be rejected by their partners and even judged by their friends if they tell the truth. They live in deep, deep shame.” The only answer for them personally, says Brizendine, and for women’s health in general is to break the silence. “Talk to your doctor, talk to your friends,” she says. “The problem deserves the attention—and you do, too.”
Brizendine recalls when Viagra hit the market 15 years ago: “Droves of men went to their GPs—doctors whom they had been seeing for 20 years or more—asking them for Viagra. The GPs had no idea their patients were having erectile dysfunction, because they had never asked and the guys had never volunteered the information—the fact that there was a solution broke their silence.” Brizendine says we need to break our silence now so that the FDA knows there’s demand for a solution.
Your first step: Stop by eventhescore.org—a website created by numerous women’s-sexual-health-concerned nonprofits to alert the FDA to the fact that there are now 26 drugs on the market to address male sexual dysfunction and not a single one for women. Your second: pop in to see your own doctor, and, if you need to, raise the issue. This is not something you need to suffer in silence.
In the meantime, these 20 just-for-women tips can help you start to want sex again.
It’s a common myth that if a heterosexual couple stops having sex, it’s the woman’s fault that the intimacy has died. There are more than a few reasons attributed to this logic – she’s too tired, she’s too busy, she’d rather be washing her hair, or pretty much anything that means she can get out of being sexual with her partner. It’s thought that millions of people live as part of sexless marriages, where the couples in question have sex less than ten times a year, a most therapists believe that around half the time the woman is to blame for this. It can be confusing to the male half of the relationship that their wives are suddenly disinterested in sex; perhaps they weren’t always so cold to the idea of intimacy, but now they can’t think of enough ways to avoid it. These men are hurt, confused and rejected, and are willing to do anything they can to reignite the passion into their relationships. But what does it feel like from the female perspective? What’s the reasoning for this lack of desire and what can couples do to resolve the issue? Of course, it’s no surprise that there isn’t an easy answer to this problem – there are myriad reasons why people lose their passion for sex.
Commonly referred to as Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder, this problem is characterised by an absence of sexual fantasies or a lack of desire for sexual activity that isn’t the result of substance abuse or abuse. Rather, if a person in a committed relationship is experiencing a low libido and it isn’t causing unhappiness to either person, it isn’t HSDD. Sex isn’t always the most important issue but in the cases where it is still a priority, it’s important that you get to the source of the problem so that you can begin rebuilding your relationship, both emotionally and physically.
Pain during intercourse is a common reason, and is to women what erectile dysfunction is to men who suffer with this problem. It’s an embarrassing topic for women who suffer with this problem and instead of talking about it, they hide away and just stop having sex. There are, like with ED, many reasons why this could be happening such as psychological and physical conditions that you should speak to your GP about. Depression is another cause of low libido, and so are antidepressants. In fact, antidepressants not only lower your libido but also temporarily remove the ability to feel romantic love.
Many women suffer with angry feelings, and this comes out in the relationships as suspicion or jealousy. And for some couples, it’s because their partner simply doesn’t turn them on anymore – perhaps their husband has gained some weight or has stopped making an effort. As this resentment builds, their libido drops until they don’t desire a sexual relationship with their partner anymore. It’s assumed that there always has to be a reason though, and sometimes this isn’t the case. In some cases, it’s simply that the sex has stopped being exciting or passionate – in other words, it has become boring. A fulfilling sexual relationship takes two people making the effort, and although sometimes there are reasons beyond anyone’s control that make this impossible, often it boils down to communication. If you’re worried about your inability to desire sex, you may find it useful to speak to your GP.
It’s a common myth that if a heterosexual couple stops having sex, it’s the woman’s fault that the intimacy has died. There are more than a few reasons attributed to this logic – she’s too tired, she’s too busy, she’d rather be washing her hair, or pretty much anything that means she can get out of being sexual with her partner. It’s thought that millions of people live as part of sexless marriages, where the couples in question have sex less than ten times a year, a most therapists believe that around half the time the woman is to blame for this. It can be confusing to the male half of the relationship that their wives are suddenly disinterested in sex; perhaps they weren’t always so cold to the idea of intimacy, but now they can’t think of enough ways to avoid it. These men are hurt, confused and rejected, and are willing to do anything they can to reignite the passion into their relationships. But what does it feel like from the female perspective? What’s the reasoning for this lack of desire and what can couples do to resolve the issue? Of course, it’s no surprise that there isn’t an easy answer to this problem – there are myriad reasons why people lose their passion for sex.
Commonly referred to as Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder, this problem is characterised by an absence of sexual fantasies or a lack of desire for sexual activity that isn’t the result of substance abuse or abuse. Rather, if a person in a committed relationship is experiencing a low libido and it isn’t causing unhappiness to either person, it isn’t HSDD. Sex isn’t always the most important issue but in the cases where it is still a priority, it’s important that you get to the source of the problem so that you can begin rebuilding your relationship, both emotionally and physically.
Pain during intercourse is a common reason, and is to women what erectile dysfunction is to men who suffer with this problem. It’s an embarrassing topic for women who suffer with this problem and instead of talking about it, they hide away and just stop having sex. There are, like with ED, many reasons why this could be happening such as psychological and physical conditions that you should speak to your GP about. Depression is another cause of low libido, and so are antidepressants. In fact, antidepressants not only lower your libido but also temporarily remove the ability to feel romantic love.
Many women suffer with angry feelings, and this comes out in the relationships as suspicion or jealousy. And for some couples, it’s because their partner simply doesn’t turn them on anymore – perhaps their husband has gained some weight or has stopped making an effort. As this resentment builds, their libido drops until they don’t desire a sexual relationship with their partner anymore. It’s assumed that there always has to be a reason though, and sometimes this isn’t the case. In some cases, it’s simply that the sex has stopped being exciting or passionate – in other words, it has become boring. A fulfilling sexual relationship takes two people making the effort, and although sometimes there are reasons beyond anyone’s control that make this impossible, often it boils down to communication. If you’re worried about your inability to desire sex, you may find it useful to speak to your GP.
If you’re in a long-term relationship, sexual health can get put on the back burner. Sure, you’re in love and closer than ever, but you’re not trying to impress each other anymore, and things can get a bit stale. Ask any long-term couple about their sexual wellness, and you’ll probably hear something along the lines of ‘It’s not as hot as it used to be, but I guess it’s still pretty good.’ Pat Love, PhD, the author of Hot Monogamy and The Truth about Love, explains that it’s normal for every couple to experience waning sexual passion. However, your sexual wellbeing may be different to your partner’s.
About 18 months into a relationship, many couples experience desire discrepancy — or when one partner has a greater sex drive than the other, says Love. This imbalance occurs once you’re out of the infatuation stage, and is why sex often goes from hot to cold in committed relationships. However, the good news is that you can get your sexual desire back in sync with your partner. Love explains that all you need to do is appreciate and respond to ‘your partner’s language of love,’ because ‘the way to get what you want is to give what your partner desires.’ While you may express love by buying gifts for your partner, for example, he/she may actually need you to spend time together, take care of annoying tasks or express your feelings vocally. Love comments, ‘You have to honour the reality and experience of the other. You have to jump in there and respond to the cues; you have to find out what says, “I love you” to your partner.’
That said, Susan Townsend, director of the Relationship Enrichment centre in Towson, Maryland, points out that first you have to be able to talk about sex, and that’s where couples often hit a brick wall. Let’s face it; we’re British and we don’t like talking about sex, so often couples don’t say anything or say things in such a way that it closes off communication. Let’s say you want more kissing during foreplay. In order to relate this desire, you tell your partner, “You know, you never really kiss me enough.” That is not a desire; it’s a criticism. A better way to word it would be, “I’ve been thinking. Instead of jumping into sex it would be really nice to spend more time kissing first.” Townsend notes, ‘You wouldn’t believe the leap in sexual communication when people start saying, ‘Instead of doing…, I’d rather you do…’
After you say your sexual desire in a positive way, your partner then needs to repeat it back to you to make sure they’ve understood you correctly. You make corrections until he/she gets it right, and then thank your partner for hearing you. Following on from this, you ask your partner if he/she is willing to make that change, and he/she can reply with a “yes” or “no” or agree if certain conditions are met. This communication technique is known as “mirroring” and creates a deeper level of emotional intimacy, which often leads to greater sexual passion. You may not always get what you want, but you’ll have a much better chance of getting your desires met if you learn to transform your criticisms into requests.
Once you’ve mastered this technique, sex expert Lana Holstein, MD, author of How to Have Magnificent Sex: The 7 Dimensions of a Vital Sexual Connection, says it’s time to make a contract. The fatigue and grind of daily life bury even the best sexual intentions, which is why Holstein recommends couples contract ‘a deal for sexual wealth’ to create a ‘good sex division’ of their relationship. Holstein explains, ‘We don’t always feel “in the mood,” but usually after we’re … into it, we’re glad to be there and often relieved.’
If you’ve lost your sexual desire recently, you are not alone. As many as 30 percent of women in America alone suffer from low sexual desire. This can cause problems between partners, and subsequently to problems with self-esteem, wellness and wellbeing.
Fortunately, there are lots of little tricks you can try, if you just look at examples from around the world. Spicy foods are fantastic for boosting your libido – these hot, chilli-based foods help to turn up the natural heat in your body and get your blood flowing to the extremities (especially the all-important extremities…) In Mexico, the Jalapeno pepper and Haberno chillie is the spice of choice, or you could mimic the Louisiana folk and add a bit of Tabasco sauce to your meal. This super-hot sauce is made from old red peppers, combined with vinegar and salt and mashed. Then of course we all know that curry is the traditional dish of India, and can come in varying intensities, depending on how badly you want to turn up the heat. Over in Thailand, Srirachu is a very hot paste or sauce that can be used to get things a bit spicy, or you can try the Japanese Wasabi, which has a tangy and spicy flavour. Finally, in South Africa the best way of boosting heat is with the Peri Peri sauce, made with chillies. Try any of these international dishes and you should find that you are soon able to spice things up in the bedroom, too.
On the flip side, something like yoga can help you cool down and chill out, if what you really need to regain your libido is a bit of rest and relaxation. Not only does yoga relieve your stress and calm anxiety, but certain yoga positions such as the Eagle pose actually helps the flood to flow in your pelvis, causing a feeling similar to desire and arousal.
The media often links the idea of lower weight leading to greater sexual prowess, but is this actually the case? In truth, whilst beauty is very much in the eye of the beholder, there is a strong correlation between weight loss and sexual wellness and wellbeing.
Obesity can cause all different kinds of related conditions which can affect your sex drive on a mental and physical level. Around 30 percent of all those who are overweight have issues with their sexual desire, sex drive, performance or all of the above.
Conditions including insulin resistance (an early indicator for type 2 diabetes) and high cholesterol have an ability to make a difference to your sexual performance, and this in turn can impact on desire, particularly when it comes to men. It stands to reason that a man who has problems getting or maintaining and erection gradually loses his desire for sex after a period of time.
When an individual puts on a lot of weight, the hormones in the body are negatively affected and start to fluctuate uncontrollably as a chain reaction. The chemical in the body responsible for sexual function (sex-hormone-binding globulin) increases, which directly causes a drop in testosterone, the hormone responsible for male sexual desire.
The more you weigh, the more you produce this sex-hormone-binding globulin, and so the lower levels of testosterone that are available to you, and that stimulate arousal in your body.
This, combined with other factors such as high cholesterol, can lead to a real drop in libido. High cholesterol has an impact as it can lead to the buildup of plaque in the blood vessels that supply the pelvic reason, and this can flow the supply of blood to the area that is the most important for sexual arousal.
Aphrodisiacs are a prime seller in the sexual health industry, with customers eager to have the best sex of their lives. Even manufacturers of wellness products, such as nutritional supplements, are getting in on this booming market but the question remains; do aphrodisiacs really do anything for your wellbeing. While the products are all there, the research certainly isn’t, and you really don’t have any proof that these aphrodisiacs work. However, even though the scientific evidence is still in question, millions of people swear by certain foods, drugs and scents for increasing their sexual desire. So, let’s investigate, shall we?
The basic idea behind aphrodisiacs is that they are elements used for evoking or stimulating your sexual desire. Drugs or products that are labelled as aphrodisiacs are often mislabelled by the companies that manufacture them, as the products actually aim to enhance your sexual performance or ability (such as Viagra). In order to be a true aphrodisiac, the food, smell or whatever it is has to create desire. Creating desire is a tricky process, which is why you first have to understand what happens in your body and brain when you are sexually excited. For both sexes, sexual desire all comes down to your hormones, and testosterone specifically. If the balance of your hormones is off, and you don’t have as much testosterone as you should, your sex drive won’t function as it should. When the balance is right, everything falls into place.
When you encounter something sexually stimulating – be it through sights, sounds, feelings, touches, smells or thoughts – a chain reaction begins in your body:
1. The limbic lobe of your brain sends signals to your pelvic region via the nervous system.
2. These signals tell your blood vessels to dilate.
3. This dilation creates an erection. This occurs in both men and women, albeit not with the same outward results. In women, your erectile tissues can be found in your clitoris and the region around your vaginal entrance.
4. The vessels then close so as to keep these erectile tissues erect. This erection is accompanied by rapid heart rate.
5. At the same time as this is going on, your brain releases neurotransmitters called norepinephrine and dopamine. These tell your body that what’s going on is good and pleasurable.
So where do aphrodisiacs come in? According to the experts, aphrodisiacs can work in one of three ways:
- Working on the mind: Some aphrodisiacs create sexual desire by targeting your brain, which will then kick-start the chain reaction of desire. This includes something that lowers your brain’s inhibitions, such as alcohol or marijuana.
- Working on the body: Instead of beginning at the beginning, some aphrodisiacs bypass the brain and head straight for the body parts that are affected at the end of the chain reaction. An aphrodisiac might increase blood flow in your sexual organs, for example, which aims to simulate the feelings of sexual intercourse and have the effect of creating desire.
- Placebo: Sometimes, just thinking something is an aphrodisiac makes it appear to work as one.
As we’ve already covered, the research proving the effectiveness of aphrodisiacs is scarce. However, scientists are beginning to discover that some foods, herbs and other supplements do stimulate production of hormones or other chemicals that affect your libido. The problem is that the researchers are still trying to work out whether or not those chemicals are produced in a high enough quantity for you to really notice the difference. Libido is a somewhat difficult thing to study and, as such, there isn’t much hard research in the area. Many people swear by the effects of certain foods, herbs or minerals, be it the placebo effect or a real process. However, according to the FDA, aphrodisiacs have no scientific basis and are simply myth. Still, whatever works for you, go for it!
Testosterone is often viewed through the lens of male sexual wellness; it bestows virility and is the reason why men are often in the mood, but a new sexual health study has turned our view of testosterone on its head. The research, published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behaviour, has found that testosterone actually isn’t linked to sexual desire in healthy men at all. And, if you’re a woman, the hormone may be a dampener to your relationship, causing you to experience less interest in sex with a partner. Testosterone is, however, linked to greater interest in masturbation in healthy women.
According to study researcher Sari van Anders, a behavioural neuroendocrinologist at the University of Michigan, healthy individuals are rarely studied for sexual desire and hormones, which make the findings of this research so unique. Usually, such studies are based on animal subjects or people with abnormally low or high testosterone who come into clinics for treatment. ‘People have argued that sex research focuses too much on dysfunction and pharmaceutical treatment as opposed to questions like pleasure or relationships or stress,’ van Anders says. ‘There is a whole scope of factors that go unstudied.’
Even when factors such as stress and body image are studied with regards to how they affect people’s sexual wellbeing, researchers rarely, at the same time, look at hormonal influences, and this is where van Anders differed. For her study, 196 volunteers (105 men and 91 women) were asked to fill out questionnaires on their relationships, their stress and moods, and their own feelings about their bodies and sexuality. The participants also reported how frequently they had partnered sex and masturbated, and how frequently they had the desire to masturbate or to have sex with a partner.
van Anders comments that while you tend to think of desire as a single phenomenon, the desire to have sex may come from a different place than the desire to masturbate. ‘When you’re feeling sexual desire for a partner there might be other factors that play into that,’ she notes. ‘For example, how you felt about that partner that day, how attracted you feel to that partner, how attractive you feel to that partner, your relationship and things like that.’ The desire to masturbate, on the other hand, may be less influenced by social factors like relationship satisfaction, and more by internal reasons.
The study results revealed that women with higher testosterone reported less desire for partnered sex. van Anders surmised that partner desire relates to a need to be close and connected, whilst masturbation is simply a need for pleasure. Solitary sexual desire was higher in the higher-testosterone women, with 27 of the women involved in the study reporting they had no desire to masturbate at all – and these women had lower testosterone than the women who said they sometimes felt desire to masturbate.
When it came to gender differences – i.e. why men, on average, want sex more often than the average woman – again, testosterone was not the culprit. The only factor that did link to gender differences was masturbation. Women masturbated less often than men and correspondingly reported less desire. That said, this research does not give us a way to tell whether the desire or the masturbation comes first. However, van Anders points out that there are intriguing hints that perhaps the difference in masturbation habits could explain the desire gap. She explains, ‘The idea is that if women don’t feel comfortable with their genitals and masturbating, and if they don’t think it’s okay and refrain from doing it and don’t express their desires, after a while, the desire might change as well.’
Once you reach a certain age, you almost feel like saying “goodbye” to your sexual wellbeing. Your body does not respond to sex in the same way it did when you were younger, and so you find other aspects of your wellness – such as your self-esteem and connection to your partner – waning. However, there are scientifically-proven ways to get your sexual health back on track, no matter your age, so how can you get back into the saddle, so to speak?
1. Low testosterone: While we tend to think of testosterone as a male hormone, small amounts fuel a woman’s sex drive. However, when you go through menopause, your testosterone starts to decline, and your desire plummets with it. This is especially noticeable if you’re also using hormone replacement therapy (HRT). The first think you need to do is talk to your gynaecologist and get a blood test, and then stabilise your testosterone. Studies have shown this impact all areas of sexual wellness, from lubrication to stronger, more powerful orgasms. So, how do you do it?
Doctors sometimes prescribe testosterone gel, but you may be concerned that it will make you grow hair on your chin or give you huge muscles. However, Anita Clayton, MD, clinical professor of obstetrics and gynaecology at the University of Virginia and author of Satisfaction: Women, Sex, and the Quest for Intimacy, explains, ‘The doses prescribed for women aren’t large enough to stimulate male characteristics.’ Certified sex researcher Beverly Whipple, PhD, professor emerita at Rutgers University and co-author of The Science of Orgasm, recommends libido-boosting herbs, such as ArginMax for Women. This nutritional supplement – which contains ginseng, ginkgo, multivitamins, and minerals – improves your sexual desire, including clitoral sensation and orgasm frequency, by up to 74%.
2. Distraction: While women are known to be good at multi-tasking, going over your shopping list during sex is probably not the best way to get into the moment. Research has shown that women’s brains are naturally more active than men’s, even during sex, due to lower levels of the neurotransmitter dopamine. Clayton comments, ‘Dopamine creates the desire to go after a reward—in this case, an orgasm.’ Dopamine also plays an important role in increasing the flow of sensory impulses to the genitals, which is essential for arousal. Therefore, low levels of dopamine can distract you during sex.
If you get distracted during sex, you might want to get yourself tested for attention deficit disorder (ADD). Daniel G. Amen, MD, a psychiatrist, brain imaging specialist, and author of Sex on the Brain, notes that ADD may be associated with low dopamine levels. However, he says the good news is that ‘when a woman is finally treated for ADD, usually with a combination of drug therapy and behaviour modification, it improves her sex life—not to mention the rest of her life as well.’ Another option is to try a DHEA supplement, which may increase your production of dopamine and tends to spike right before you have orgasm to enhance desire and focus. However, Clayton warns that DHEA can affect some people’s cholesterol levels, and recommends no more than 25mg to 50mg, so check with your doctor before taking it.
3. Dryness: If it’s dry down below, sex can be the last thing you want. The lining of your vagina is extremely sensitive to oestrogen, which means it becomes less sensitive as you age your body starts producing less oestrogen during perimenopause. Some women turn to hormone therapy for help, but there are other solutions available. Whipple advises you use a lubricant that goes straight to the source, such as Zestra. This is a non-prescription feminine arousal fluid made from botanical oils, which stimulates your nerves and blood vessels to increase arousal. Whipple adds that insertable vaginal oestrogen rings or tablets can significantly improve lubrication without the risks of oral hormone therapy, such as increased breast cancer risk.
We often think of our sex drive as something that we just have to live with. If you don’t have a high sex drive and your partner does, it can sometimes make things difficult or awkward in the relationship. But many people think there is nothing they can do about it so it’s not something that needs to be worried about. Unfortunately that creates the problems that when scientists a drug that can supposedly elevate your sex drive, it can create a huge demand but also leave wondering whether it is something they should really do.
So, when it was finally announced that doctors were on the verge of being able to solve the problem of low libido with pills, it became very apparent that there is a serious level of demand for such pills to be made available. Clearly low libido is something that people suffer with – and this appears to be especially true of women. Indeed, it was women who were bombarding the phones of sex therapists when an article published in the New York Times revealed there may be a drug that was about to be ready for general sale.
“My patients who read the story have been asking me about these drugs,” said Lorri Brotto, who is a psychologist at the University of British Columbia and was quoted in the magazine story. “But the study data so far have found that the pills aren’t effective for everyone with low desire – only a subgroup of women.” It turns out that the only women whom it was shown to be very effective upon were those who seem to have trouble feeling sexual stimulation rather than actually feeling a lack of desire for the act of sex, even if you do enjoy it.
The name of these two drugs are Lybrido and Lybridos and they apparently work because they contain small leaves of the libido increasing hormone testosterone which is supposed to help boost your desire to have sex. However, it seems they are actually a long way away from being ready. In fact, even to be considered for approval by drugs authorities, they need to have been shown to be effective in studies of more than 1,000 women to prove that it would be worth making them legal to be put on sale.
The problem is that many women appear to believe that their problems can be solved by simply popping a pill and hoping for the best. However, it is very likely that actually if they are already in this mind set, there is very little that a pill will actually be able to do for them. This suggests that pills need to be avoided altogether by such women and they should look for natural alternative methods for boosting their libido.
It could be that actually what you need is a bit more excitement in your sex life. Low libido is often the fault of boredom within the relationship, which is then causing you to become disinterested in the bedroom. When two people become too familiar with each other it can really make it difficult to keep up with the spontaneity that romance often needs. This leads to you feeling like sex is not worthwhile or even a waste of time.
So try some techniques such as using private email addresses to send flirty to messages and help to spark the desire to have sex a little more often. If you can build up sexual tension like this it makes it far more easy to get a positive sexual experience that you will enjoy and want to have again.
How often do you need to have sex in order to have a “healthy” sex life? This was the question bugging Barbara Hannah Grufferman, author of The Best of Everything After 50: The Experts Guide to Style, Sex, Health, Money and More, who endeavoured find out how sexual health and wellness changes after 50.
Grufferman details a recent study by The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behaviour, which found the two variables most associated with the amount of sex you have are your age and your marital satisfaction. As you get older, you have sex less often, particularly if you have lower levels of martial satisfaction. The study showed that half of couples age 65-75 still engaged in sex, but less than one quarter of couples over 75 were still sexually active. Grufferman comments, ‘This study left me feeling that the older we got, the less we got it. Not good.’
This led Grufferman to consult friends in similar situation. ‘We all had the same question,’ she says. ‘I love my husband and he loves me, so why aren’t we having more hot sex together, like we used to? We want to have sex, but sometimes we just aren’t into it. How do we get in the mood? We all hated thinking that things were slowing down, and that they might slow down even more. For sure, menopause can sometimes make sex uncomfortable for some women and our libido can drop off. But, just because a woman is post-menopausal, does she automatically lose interest? Forever? Was that my future? Was I supposed to lock this door and throw away the key?’
After plenty of worrying and worry-inducing research, Grufferman finally met with Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity, who argues that sex after fifty may be the best sex you’ll ever have. Perel noted that while you may be under the misconception that menopause affects your wellness to the point where you no longer want sex, the majority of women over 50 are sexually healthy and, for those that aren’t, simple solutions like lubricants or oestrogen are available. She added that men experience more sexual functioning challenges as they age, which can be troubling and so they often avoid sex. This causes the woman to think he’s no longer attracted to her, which results in a sexual Catch-22.
Armed with this uplifting information, Grufferman outlines her three tools that women can use to get into the mood:
1. Arousal. ‘Watch a movie or read a book, have a fantasy, put on some sexy lingerie,’ Grufferman suggests. ‘Many things can arouse us. Arousal can lead to desire, and desire leads to sex. Figure out what gets you going and use it when you need it.’
2. Desire. Grufferman explains, ‘Desire is wanting to be turned on. With this entry point you want to get aroused, and you want to actively engage in getting turned on with your partner.’
3. Willingness. ‘This is the most important entry point for women over 50,’ Grufferman asserts. ‘It’s the willingness to be engaged in desire. If you’ve been ignoring, neglecting or denying your sexual self for a while, then you must consciously decide that you want sex in order to even let yourself feel desire. We talk ourselves into doing things all the time going out to an event, cooking dinner but people don’t think about talking themselves into having sex.’
Grufferman concludes, ‘After 50, we’re at a sexual crossroads, and need to make a choice: We could go through menopause, and realise that our experience of sex is changing and decide that we are done with it, and shut down that part of ourselves, lock the door and throw away the key. Or, (the much more fun choice) we could embrace this new life with a sense of freedom and fun; no more periods, no more worries about getting pregnant, no more doing it because there has to be a result, . . . and you may very well find yourself having the best sex . . . ever.’
In a busy, modern world, with many people juggling fast-paced careers, turbulent lifestyles, families, friends and many more besides, the thing to suffer is often your sexual health. You may find that you simply have no time for sex, and it seems like the last thing on your priority list.
In these modern times, however, when sexuality, sexual wellness and wellbeing and all associated issues are discussed more openly, it is surprising to find that sex is so low down the priority list for so many women.
The main causes of lack of desire are generally tiredness, lack of intimacy in the relationship, lack of communication, getting older, changes in lifestyle, physical or hormonal changes associated with childbirth or the menopause, or even the effects of contraception.
Many researchers have attempted to make sense of female sexual desire in order to better explain why fewer and fewer women are enjoying a good, healthy libido. Some say that it is because the physiological changes in the body causes a mental lack of desire to have sex, and some say it is the other way around. Whatever way you look at it, however, it represents a serious problem.
In women – more so than in men – there is a strong link between the body and the mind. If women don’t feel physically attractive then it doesn’t matter what the reality is. Similarly, if women feel confident and sexy, it doesn’t matter whether that is in reality the case. It’s all about how they feel, and therefore it’s impossible to cure sexual desire with some kind of female equivalent of Viagra, to ‘pep’ a physical part of them up again. Lack of sexual desire has to be treated on all levels – mental, emotional, psychological and physical, to really get to the root of the problem, in order to solve it.
Couples who have been married for a long time often find that sexual desire comes and goes. This is especially the case for women, and many men find it frustrating when their partner is not as interested in sex as she used to be. For the sake of your sexual health, which feeds in to relationship health, it is important to work hard at finding ways to keep the sexual desire and intimacy alive in your marriage. There are several ways that you can do this, and if you follow these easy steps then you may well find that you have an improved sense of wellness and wellbeing as a result, too.
Firstly, a lack of desire for sex usually has very little to do with sex. Not wanting to have sex as often does not mean that you no longer enjoy sex or even that you no longer feel attracted to your partner. It usually has more to do with what is going on in the rest of your life, and when you have found and dealt with this contributing factor, then you may well find that your sex life sorts itself on its own.
One of the best things you can do to restore sexual intimacy is to hire a cleaner. With the extra time that you will have when you are no longer having to clean, you may find you have more time for sex, plus it removes the irritations of who should have done what chore, and brings you closer as a couple.
Work stress can also be a contributing factor. Perhaps consider switching jobs or creating a new working pattern. Bear in mind that a job is just a job, but your partner and marriage should be prioritised.
Finding a hobby can also help, as it lets you have some ‘me time’ and you can then feel refreshed and ready to reconnect with your partner.
Financial worries are also a big passion killer. If you have debt, sit down with your partner and work out a plan of action for working through it together. You’ll be amazed at how relaxed you feel once this is sorted, and you may then feel closer to your partner, too.
Sex hormones drive our libido and make us want to have sex with the people we find most attractive. But while biology has a simple, scientific explanation for that desire, the reality is that sex can be a complicated issue for many of us, young or old.
Sexual problems are very common, from couples dealing with one partner more sexually charged than the other to men having to handle erectile dysfunction, a problem that doesn’t only affect older men.
In young people, the sex hormones – oestrogen, progesterone and testosterone – are in full production so, sexually at least, young people are at their peak. However, age diminishes the production of those hormones and so it would seem obvious that sex drive would naturally also diminish.
Of course, we all know that’s not always the case – for some people, their sex drive remains constant throughout their life. And it’s learning to deal with both that and the other side, the partner who no longer feels the urge to mate at every opportunity, that presents the greatest challenge for couples.
The hormones are only part of the sexual jigsaw because without attraction and the desire to have sex with another person, your hormones will only get you so far. So when you’re in a long-term relationship that’s gone sexually stale, the question you should probably be asking is not “what’s up with my hormones?” but “do I still find my partner attractive?”
If the answer is yes, the solution is simple – stop fretting about sex and concentrate more on showing affection through cuddling and kissing. The sexual desire is likely to return naturally.
If the answer is no, you need to remind yourself of what else attracted to you to your mate, aside from the physical, and use that to rekindle your want.
While biology sees sexual desire in very simple terms, the fact is that sex is complicated and fascinating and almost impossible to explain. Perhaps trying to understand it is where humankind is going wrong!
Can Hormones Explain Everything About Sexual Desire?
What is facial contouring?
Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder is an old saying, but technological advancements have been made in the field of medicine to such an extent that beauty no longer lies in the eyes of the beholder, but in the hands of the surgeon. Yes, you are hearing it right, if you want to look like a celebrity, a surgery can merely make you look like one. Isn’t that exciting? That is all this article is about, it’s about how you can achieve the look you desire through facial contouring.
Facial contouring is the type of surgery that changes the shape of parts of your face such as the nose, ears or chin into your desired form. This procedure either augments the areas by filling up with one’s own tissue or by drastically reducing the prominent areas of your face including the bony and soft tissues surgically. Both ways, the procedure may sometimes make subtle changes while there are occasions when the results are very dramatic and very much noticeable.
Facial contouring procedure types
In order to achieve the look you desire through facial contouring, one must first need to know the various types of procedures that offer a facelift.
Chin augmentation - This is one of the face contouring procedures which rectifies a weak and receding chin. This surgery is done to improve the contrast of facial silhouette along with making your flat upper face look prominent.
Rhinoplasty - Also called the nose reshaping surgery, this is one of the most popular facial contouring procedures which can effectively reduce the size of your nose if you feel it is a bit oversized. Done not just to treat oversized noses, this procedure is also done to straighten a crooked looking nose, reduce the bulbous tip or otherwise remove that awkward bump on your nose.
Temple augmentation - This procedure is done to change the sterner look of Asians to a softer one by augmentation of the temples by various dermal fillers which are injected into the depression that has formed as a result of the ageing process.
Ear pinning surgery - For those of you who are worried about your ears sticking out of your heads, this simple out-patient procedure might be the answer. In this method, the ears are made to lie against the sides of your head, thereby diverting the attention of your protruding ears to your face.
Brow lift surgery - Yet another procedure done mainly as an age-lift surgery, this greatly enhances the sag that your age has created and helps to elevate them, thereby restoring back your youthful appearance. There have also been cases of eyelid lift surgeries done in a similar fashion.
Cheek bone augmentation - Also called as the reduction malarplasty or genioplasty procedure, this is one of the prominent facial contouring procedures that have been done to look more feminine. The masculine property offered by the prominent cheek bone is greatly reduced by this method, thus offering better balance to the facial features.
Mandible angle reduction - Face shapes greatly decide the looks of a person and facial contouring is all about altering the shape of the face too, especially from a round/angular face to an oval/heart shaped face. This is done effectively by reducing the angle of the mandible which can be achieved by using implants.
Combined surgeries – Now that we know some of the major face contouring procedures, most of them are done in combination, in order to achieve an overall effect on your face which is quite noticeable.
Definitive steps of the surgery
Irrespective of the various types of face lift surgeries that have been mentioned above, there are few definitive procedures that are common for all of them which includes – Pre-operative evaluation, the actual surgery procedure along with a post-operative care.
The Pre-operative evaluation determines the expectations set forth by the patient along with examining the medical history which is vital for finding the viability of the procedure itself. Further the face is assessed by X-rays and CT scans in order to understand the personal cranial makeup of the person, which helps evaluate the type of procedure to be done for the patient.
The actual procedure varies with each type of face contouring and it needs the aid of specialized doctors and other technicians to bring out the best results.
The final post-operative care is all about taking perfect care of the patient who might have risk of bleeding, infection, scarring, contour irregularities etc. Also the patients are advised to take proper medication prescribed by the doctor with ample rest to get back to normalcy.
Hope this article helps you achieve the look you desire through facial contouring.
Author Bio
Nelson Homes is a blogger for Hall and Wrye - aesthetic surgery reno. He likes to blog for beauty and skin care related topics. In his free time likes to research various cosmetic surgery procedures.
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