How to Actually Talk to Your Partner About Your Sex Lives

According to psychotherapist Joyce Marter, ‘A client once said to me, “I’m nervous to talk with my wife about my sexual needs, because you are the only person who knows that part of my life.” This statement struck me as wildly paradoxical. How could I, a person with whom my client has a strictly professional relationship, know more about his sexual life than the woman with whom he has sex?’ Most of us are embarrassed to talk to our partners about sex. You might divulge a few tid bits to your friends, or speak to a professional, but to actually discuss sexual health with the person you’re having sex with? No thank you! However, talking about sex won’t only improve your sexual wellbeing; it may also save your relationship wellness.

 

Marter explains, ‘After nearly 20 years of counselling individuals and couples, it is clear that there is also a “chicken and egg” relationship between sex and relationship problems. Sometimes it’s hard to tell which came first. Some couples are sexually disconnected because of a relationship issues and others have interpersonal conflict that stems from sexual problems. Perhaps it doesn’t really matter which is addressed first, as long as there is a shared, open and courageous attempt to resolve their issues.’ But how do you actually do that? Luckily, Marter has shared her top tips for improving your sex life:

 

1. Stop, Meditate and Listen: Marter recommends, ‘Quiet your mind via meditation and ask the deeper self within what you desire sexually. Notice any negative thoughts or beliefs that induce fear, guilt or shame – breathe them out and let them go. Replace them with a mantra such as, “I am a sexual being and deserve a gratifying sexual life.”’

 

2. Write it Down: ‘Write down the issues that are preventing you from having the sexual life you want,’ Marter instructs. ‘Create a plan for how to address and resolve those issues. (For example, talk with your doctor about your medication side effects, hit the gym to feel sexier, get in couples therapy about your relationship issues, seek individual therapy about your addiction to porn, carve out time for coupling, etc.)’

 

3. Connect Your Mind and Body: Marter advises, ‘Because many people are overly focused on their minds, connect with your body through exercise, stretching, progressive muscle relaxation and mindfulness techniques to increase body awareness and subsequently improve your sexual experiences. Take care of yourself so you feel desirable and confident.’

 

4. Accentuate Your Relationship: ‘Detach from the imperfections we all have physically and focus on your sense of aliveness within’ says Marter. ‘And the passionate energy exchange between you and your partner. Avoid magazines and media with harmful messages about body image.’

 

5. COMMUNICATE: ‘Find your voice and dig up the courage to talk with you partner(s) about your sexual feelings, needs and desires,’ Marter encourages. ‘Be open and honest. Ask your partner what he or she wants (detach from judgment and defensiveness). Be open in your communication and aim to be a good lover (like karma, this will come back at you). Use “I” statements, rather than “you” statements to decrease defensiveness (e.g., “I desire more oral sex” vs. “You never go down on me.”) Similar to parenting and management, sexual communication requires that you give three positive statements for every piece of negative feedback (“I love when you do this, this and this, but am not really loving that…”).’

 

6. Experiment Together: Marter suggests, ‘Connect with your partner through music, art, dance, poetry, nature, food, and other shared sensual experiences that will set the tone for intimacy and connection. Be open to new experiences and talk openly without judgment.’

Categories: Communication, experimentation, life nbsp, marter, meditation, nbsp, relationship, relationship issues, sexual, sexual life, talk

How to Enjoy an Amazing Sex Life No Matter Your Age

As you reach your 50s and beyond, you may notice a few changes to your physical wellbeing. Sure there are a few creaky joints and wrinkles that weren’t there before, but that doesn’t mean your physical needs have changed – not to mention your emotional needs. The need for intimacy is ageless, and sexual health has actually been linked to good wellness overall and a longer lifespan!

 

According to Arthur Hayward, MD, a geriatrician and the clinical lead physician for elder care with Kaiser Permanente’s Care Management Institute, Many women are surprised by the impact menopause has on their sex life. Some women enjoy sex more after menopause while others feel a drop in interest. Men may feel a decline in their sex drive and may want to learn about treatment for erectile dysfunction. Whatever the situation, be honest and open with your doctor about your concerns, so you can get the help you need to improve your sexual health.’ So how can you continue to enjoy a physically and emotionally fulfilling sex life as you age?

 

1. Communicate: This is a top tip regardless of age, but communication is key when changes occur to your body. As people age, you lose oestrogen while your partner loses testosterone. These hormonal changes may lead to changes in libido, but your partner won’t know what’s going on in your body until you tell him. Not only can openly discussing your concerns and what you’re experiencing emotionally and physically help you both to find a solution; the sheer act of open, vulnerable communication can bring you closer and help you both enjoy sex and intimacy all the more.

 

2. Spend Time Together: Sex and sexuality communicate a great deal: affection, love, esteem, warmth, sharing and bonding. These gifts are as much the right of older adults as they are of those who are younger, so why not take a leaf out of young peoples’ book? Go out on a date to the movies or to dinner, or just suggest you go for a walk. Quality time helps you to focus on intimacy and physical touch, so hark back to your younger selves and hold hands, hug and show affection.

 

3. Experiment: If you find that you’re too tired to have sex at night anymore, try trying it on with your partner in the morning or the afternoon when you have more energy. A low libido can make you want to get things over with quickly, but taking your time and spending longer on foreplay can increase vaginal lubrication and boost your level of desire. If uncomfortable sex is putting you off, try using a lubricant. There are loads of sexual factors to play with, such as mood, lighting and sensual exercises – so try something new to get in the mood.

 

4. Practice Safe Sex: Research shows that rates of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) such as chlamydia, gonorrhoea and syphilis have doubled for people in their 50s, 60s and 70s in the past decade, due to the lack of fear of pregnancy. However, condoms are vital for protecting you against STDs, so it’s important to practice safe sex with every new partner.

 

5. Know When to Seek Help: If you suffer from physical limitations or the effects of certain illnesses or medications, you may need to make a few accommodations. Talk with your doctor about any changes that concern you, and he or she can help you make the necessary changes. Some health niggles can be the first sign of a medical problem, so it’s always worth bringing them up.

Categories: Communication, healthy sex life, life, nbsp, older adults, partner, physical, practice safe, safe sex, sex life, sexual, sexual health

Four Steps for Implementing a Corporate Culture of Wellness

Many businesses are implementing corporate wellness programmes, but there are those for whom such plans are a privilege, or optional extra. According to Joshua Love, the president of national corporate wellness company Kinema Fitness, ‘When I stop and think about employee wellness, I have to step away from my day to day responsibilities and take a look from the employer perspective. I think it’s a no-brainer to install a wellness programme at every company, no matter the size, demographic, location or what service or product the company provides. My belief is that no company can be successful without paying attention to the wellbeing of their people — and people can’t be successful without feeling good every day.’

 

Love continues, ‘We live in a fast-paced, busy world, full of constant distractions. We’re constantly dialed in with technology and always on the move. Which is why it’s so refreshing to walk into a company where you feel the environment is different, one where people seem motivated, excited, inspired and really love what they do. My experience with corporate wellness leads me back to Google in Mountain View, CA (and how Google maintains its status as one of the top 100 best companies to work for year after year). Google doesn’t just create jobs, they create a culture, one in which people are valued and appreciated every day. Google’s locations have full fitness facilities, daily classes and healthy food available throughout the day; as a result, employees feel cared for and valued.’

 

Do you have to be as lucrative or as large as Google to create a culture of wellness? Of course not; every company has the ability to implement some kind of wellness programme. But how do you do it? Love has a four-step process to help you install a wellness programme that‘s efficient, smart, scalable and goal-oriented:

 

1. Determine the Needs of Employer AND Employee: ‘First, we ask a simple question,’ says Love. ‘What do employees need, and how do those needs fit with the goals of the employer? It’s impossible to answer these questions without assessing both sides. It is essential to understand the mindsets, challenges, and your audience first before laying out a framework for its path. This includes surveying not only the employees, but also the employer. A simple health risk assessment (which your insurance carrier may offer) followed by biometric screens is a good way to assess problem areas.’

 

2. Analyze the Data and Create a Plan: Love details, ‘Based on our survey data, we try to determine what elements will work for the existing culture. Is it fitness classes that will motivate the employees, wellness workshops, individual health assessments, or some combination of the above? We always recommend combining wellness education with physical activity — otherwise, many employees will not take advantage of classes and programmes they need to see real benefits.’

 

3. Create a Communication Plan: ‘A culture of wellness doesn’t happen without reinforcement,’ Love asserts. ‘Employers must create a communication plan that lays out the programme’s framework and different methods (and times) to communicate the information to employees. This keeps wellness at the forefront.’

 

4. Put an Incentive Plan in Place: Love comments, ‘We have found, time and again, that rewarding employees for getting healthy and achieving results encourages the type of change needed to get a programme off the ground and encourage a real shift in employee culture. However, because the required behaviour changes are new, challenging, and difficult to sustain, programmes must include incentives and rewards throughout the year in order to drive long-term engagement.’

Categories: Communication, company, corporate wellness, culture, employees, incentives, nbsp, Wellness, Wellness Programme

Make Sex Normal: Are You Comfortable Talking About It?

Is sex still a taboo subject today? Absolutely. While you may think that sex is prominent in the media, we still seem to have trouble talking or even thinking about it. Enter Debby Herbenick, PHD, a sexual health educator at the Kinsey Institute who has created a new website called Make Sex Normal, in order to get us talking comfortably about sex. According to Herbenick, when you can talk about sex, you’ll see major wellness benefits in your relationships, health, and of course, desire.

 

Herbenick, who is the author of books such as Sex Made Easy and Great In Bed, is used to bringing up the bedroom on a daily basis. ‘My colleagues and I joke about how normal and mundane all of this stuff is in our lives,’ she says. ‘What that does for all of us is we’ve become more comfortable over time and it impacts our personal lives. It’s easier for us to talk about sex with our partners and bring up sex issues that we might have with our doctors.’ Herbenick points out that many physical and psychological issues impact your sex life, and so voicing bedroom problems to your doctor can help you find a diagnosis and a solution. But what are her top tips for making sex normal?

 

1. Baby Steps: Herbenick asserts, ‘There’s a whole menu out there when it comes to sex…Everyone has to figure out where their starting place is and push themselves just a little outside their comfort zone.’ To help you figure out your starting place, Casey Gueren, Associate Editor at Womens Health, suggests, ‘Make a list of all the sexual things you’re curious about, interested in trying, or already know that you like…If you know what gets you off, it’ll be way easier to communicate that to your guy.’

 

2. Read Erotica…In Public: Gueren notes, ‘If the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon taught us anything, it’s that lit-erotica is a great way to get women thinking and talking about sex. So don’t let the trend end with Christian Grey—pick up a few sex books…and read them on the train or in the coffee shop.’ Herbenick explains that reading sex books in public ‘may help you feel more comfortable and confident in your sexual skin, and it also sends a message to everyone around you that sex is a regular part of life.’ However, if that’s a little too scary for your liking, try putting a different cover on your sex book or read it on your kindle – you’ll still feel that little bit naughty.

 

3. Shop Sexier: ‘Even though you can purchase sex toys and find porn from the privacy of your computer, there’s something to be said for visiting a sex shop,’ Gueren comments. ‘You can go solo, with girlfriends, or with your partner—whatever you’re most comfortable with. The important thing is just to set foot in the store. Not only will it put you in a sexual space that you might normally shy away from, but it also gives you the opportunity to explore new things and learn from sex educators who often work at the shops.’

 

4. Plan a Sexy Date: Herbenick advises finding ways to talk to your partner about sex before you even get to the bedroom, such as emailing him an article about a hot new position or visiting a sex museum together. She asserts, ‘It gives you a chance to talk about it so you’re not just whipping out a sex toy.’ Moreover, according to a study in the Journal of Sex Research, experimenting sexually leads to greater relationship satisfaction and intimacy.

Categories: comfortable, Communication, erotica, herbenick, nbsp, sex books, sex normal, sex shop, talk, talking

How to Prevent Husband Withdrawal Syndrome

Does your husband have a habit of avoiding answering even the most simple of questions? Does he leave a room during a conversation? These seemingly inconsiderate actions may not work wonders for your sense of mental wellbeing, but – puzzling though it is – wellness experts assert that he may be listening after all. It may be that your husband wants to avoid a fight, and your apparently simple question seemed to him like you were getting ready to rumble. According to psychologist Jamie Turndorf, PhD, author of Kiss Your Fights Goodbye, ‘Men have a fight-or-flight instinct when it comes to conflict…he feels attacked and flees, either physically or verbally, by refusing to engage in the argument. The more you react, the more he’ll retreat, until you both find yourselves at a standstill.’ So how do you cure his case of husband withdrawal syndrome?

 

1. Don’t Be Accusatory: Sexual health and wellness writer Anna Davies notes, ‘For a guy who’s afraid of conflict, even an innocent-sounding question can seem like a test. So if you have a request, voice it in a way that gives him a chance to succeed. Instead of asking, “Have you taken out the garbage yet?” say, “If you haven’t already, would you mind putting out the garbage when you take the dog for a walk?” It’s a simple switch that makes it clear that you’re not looking for an argument—you’re just enlisting his help in getting a chore done.’

 

2. Treat Him Like an Acquaintance: ‘A recent study found that strangers sometimes communicate better than couples,’ notes Davies. ‘Imagine you were telling a colleague where the work gang was headed to happy hour. You’d give her specific directions—or send her a Google map. But if you were sharing the same info with your guy, you might say something like, “It’s that place where we went for Nadine’s 30th birthday.” The less specific you are, the more room there is for error—and anger. And if you feel a miscommunication creeping up as you and he are talking, gently make sure that you’re on the same page.’

 

3. Be a Problem-Solver: ‘Sometimes, you have good reason to be mad,’ Davies asserts. ‘How do you tell him without him shutting down? Say you have 7pm dinner reservation, but he saunters into the house at 7:05 (grr!). Take a few deep breaths and see if you can diffuse the situation by telling him that his tardiness means he’s on the hook for making the arrangements the next time you two go out. Setting up a reward and punishment system for bad behaviour may sound like something you’d do for your preschooler, but it takes the focus off him and puts it onto the behaviour. Later, once everyone’s calmed down, tell your husband how you feel when he’s late—whether it’s like he doesn’t respect you, or it makes you worry about him. Whatever it is, keep the focus on you, and follow up by asking him how you can help.’

 

4. Be Aware of Where You’re Coming From: Turndorf points out that the things that tick you off most in your romantic relationship are likely to be things that echo bad feelings from your childhood. Davies explains, ‘Being aware that you always get pissed when people are late because you remember being the last kid left on the playground when school let out may sound silly, but it’s also a legitimate part of your history. Letting your guy know why certain behaviours peeve you—and allowing him to share his thoughts as well—makes it clear to both of you that it’s the behaviour, not him, that drives you nuts. That’s helpful when it comes to figuring out ways to not let it happen again.’

Categories: arguments, behaviour, Communication, davies, husband, husband withdrawal, husband withdrawal syndrome, nbsp, simple, withdrawal syndrome

Are Your Bedroom Insecurities Damaging Your Wellness?

Often, your state of mental wellbeing is the biggest culprit for interfering with your sexual health. Whether you’re stressed, worried or feeling insecure, your brain can put a damper on sex – but how do you let go and relax?

 

According to award-winning wellness writer Hope Gillette, ‘It is possible to overcome insecurities, and the first step along that road is realising we all have them. Everyone is insecure about something; some of us just hide it better than others…You need to get a grip on your lack of confidence, however, because being insecure can do a number on your sex life…Being preoccupied and insecure with how you look can affect how much you enjoy sex. People who are insecure about their bodies, appearance, or abilities can have intense feelings of shame or shyness–emotions which are not conducive to the freedom of intimacy.’

 

Ann Kearney-Cooke, PhD, director of the Cincinnati Psychotherapy Institute, comments, ‘Women with poor body image don’t initiate sex as often, and they’re more self-conscious. Sexual intimacy involves the sharing of your innermost essence with another person, and being able to pay attention to yourself as well as to your partner.’ Insecurities can also lead to a number of health issues, as well as damaging your relationship. The stress and anxiety associated with insecurities can cause:

 

• Erectile dysfunction


• Inability to orgasm


• Vaginal dryness


• Loss of libido


• Substance abuse


• Depressed fertility

 

So how do you overcome your insecurities, and have a better sense of overall wellbeing as a result?

 

1. You’re Not Alone: Gillette advises, ‘Don’t forget: everyone has something they are insecure about.’ While this doesn’t mean it will be any easier for you to get over your insecurities, it is nice to know that you’re not in this alone. It may be helpful to talk to your partner about his or her insecurities, so you know you’re not the only one who’s worried. Gillette points out this can help you ‘overcome insecurities in bed by building real intimacy.’

 

2. Get Naked: While it may be the last thing you want to do, Gillette recommends walking around the house naked, as this can help you ‘to be comfortable in your own skin.’

 

3. Get the Right Mindset: Gillette notes, ‘Remember that people like different things; not everyone is attracted to rail-thin models or voluptuous women or muscular guys…Also remember, appearance is not as important when it comes to sexuality and pleasure. Don’t buy into this myth.’ She adds, ‘Don’t worry about the orgasm. Too much pressure is on climax; sex is about enjoyment and intimacy, and it is possible to enjoy another person without having an orgasm.’

 

4. Play Up Your Good Points: ‘Have great feet?’ asks Gillette. ‘Pamper them and buy some great nail polish. What matters is how good you feel with yourself – as you are.’

 

5. Masturbate: ‘Don’t be afraid to masturbate,’ Gillette asserts. ‘This will reassure you about feeling pleasure and can help you instruct a partner about the things that work for you.’

 

6. Ask Your Doctor: Gillette warns, ‘Don’t assume painful sex is normal. If pain is causing your insecurities you need to seek medical advice.’

 

7. Communicate: ‘Accept what you need to enjoy sex,’ says Gillette. ‘This means if you need dirty talk to enjoy yourself, ask your partner how they feel about it. Don’t wait for in-the-moment. Talking about sex as adults in a neutral atmosphere can be much less stressful than springing something on a partner during the act.’

 

8. Choose the Right Partner: Gillette recommends, ‘Wait until you trust someone fully before you have sex. This may sound like a no-brainer, but many people feel pressured to be intimate early in the relationship and don’t wait to feel comfortable with their partner. When you trust someone, you overcome insecurities easily.’

Categories: Communication, gillette, gillette recommends, insecure, insecurities, intimacy nbsp, masturbation, nbsp, overcome insecurities, partner, sexual insecurities

How to Give Your Partner the Best Sex of Her Life

Your mates may have a few tips to help you bolster your sexual wellbeing, but do you really trust what they have to say? When it comes to sexual health and performance, it’s better to ask the experts. We’ve rounded up the best of the best, so you can be the best of the best in the bedroom – you’re welcome.

 

1. Tell Her She Looks (and Tastes) Great: According to Debra Lynne Herbenick, PhD, of Indiana University, ‘It’s been proven that women who feel confident about the appearance of their genitals are more open to different kinds of sexual activity, and are more likely to orgasm because they feel relaxed… When a man goes down on his partner, he should be enthusiastic, tell her how beautiful she is and how great she tastes. Don’t treat it like a chore.’

 

2. Use Your Ears: ‘The only difference between a gigolo and a regular guy is that a gigolo listens to what a woman wants in bed,’ asserts Dr. Helen Fisher, Department of Anthropology, RutgersUniversity. ‘So, ask. I would also advise that you to ask her while not in the bedroom — raise the discussion while out walking or doing some other casual yet intimate thing together.’

 

3. Touch Her Everywhere: Carol Cassell, PhD, former president of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, points out, ‘Sensual touching releases a powerful sex hormone called oxytocin, which increases a woman’s testosterone levels and ignites her sex drive. The seductive silky feel of oil being rubbed on skin is a turn-on for more passionate sex — for both of you.’

 

4. Eat Right: ‘Arginine is the basis for Viagra, so men should stick with foods high in it — such as oysters, fish, and other lean proteins,’ advises Lynn Edlen-Nezin, PhD, co-author of Great Food, Great Sex. ‘Everything that’s good for you above the waist is good for you below the waist as well: greens and beans; high protein/low-fat foods; and brightly coloured fruits and vegetables, high in antioxidants.’

 

5. Undress Slowly: Take Your Time Undressing: Behaviour Therapist and Consultant Andrea Kuszewski notes, ‘There is a degree of manipulation when it comes to the amount of neurotransmitter released… Looking at a nude picture will trigger a quick and strong release of dopamine and possibly oxytocin, but it fades quickly… Let her work for it a little; she’ll enjoy the prolonged neurological orgasm more.’

 

6. Take a Shower: ‘There’s no proven human pheromone to make you irresistible,’ warns Dr. Tristram Wyatt, Department of Zoology, University of Oxford. ‘So, until one is found, wash well — you can have too much of a good thing. (But why not leave a worn T-shirt at her house? It will keep you always in her mind.)’

 

7. Turn the Lights Down: Ian Kerner, PhD, FAACS, author of She Comes First: the Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman, details, ‘For women to get aroused, parts of their brains associated with stress and anxiety need to de-activate, according to neurological studies in the Netherlands. If women aren’t relaxed, they’re not going to enjoy sex. So dim the lights and share a fantasy. A Harvard study found that when you hug a woman longer than thirty seconds, it increases her oxytocin levels and anticipation of sex.’

 

8. Reverse Cowgirl Position: ‘Find out what position of intercourse is most stimulating to her — it’s usually woman on top, facing away, also known as the reverse cowgirl,’ comments Beverly Whipple, PhD, Professor Emerita at Rutgers University and co-author of The Science of Orgasm. ‘The angle of the penis through the anterior/front wall of the vagina stimulates the area of the G-spot.’

Categories: better sex, Communication, feel, nbsp, nutrition, reverse cowgirl, university, woman, Women

Working Your Woman: 6 Tips to Keep Her Happy in the Bedroom

As a man, your sexual health and wellness isn’t just about you getting yours; you also need to please your woman. Hitting her pleasure points boosts your sexual wellbeing as well as your partner’s, leading to better, all-over mind-blowing sex. Here are our tips and tricks to pleasing your woman – just make sure you don’t use them all up in one night!

 

1. The Pre-Coital Massage: Massage the length of your partner’s legs, starting at her upper thighs and working down to her ankles. Once you get down low, focus on your partner’s feet, kneading her heels and the soles. Stretch out each toe individually and, if hygiene allows, have a little suck – you’ll have her ready for the main event in no time.

 

2. Ask Her About it: You’re not a mind reader, so just ask your partner what she wants from you. According to Barbara Bartlik, MD, a professor of psychiatry at CornellUniversity, ‘Most women appreciate men who want to make sure they’re satisfied. If she notices you’re working hard to please her, she’ll be more likely to return the favour.’

 

3. Love Foreplay: It’s not about how often you give her foreplay; it’s about the quality. Michael Perry, PhD, a sex therapist in Encino, California, warns, ‘If you act as if you’re just going through the motions to get to the sex, she’s going to notice, and it will take longer for her to get excited. When a man is loving what he’s doing, it’s going to show through and turn her on, too.’

 

4. Go Gently on the G-Spot: While her clitoris is an obvious place that needs attention, you need to give it your focus in the right way. Cathy Winks, author of The Good Vibrations Guide to the G-spot, explains, ‘Direct stimulation of the clitoris can actually be painful. It’s much better to rub the clitoral hood [where the tops of the labia meet] or to rub along the side of the clitoris than it is to go straight for the head of it.’ Birch adds, ‘Focus on the clitoris, then don’t focus on the clitoris. The clitoris reacts best to being teased, so you want to lick it and suck on it a little, build a little tension, then back off on it a bit before going at it again.’

 

5. Kissing Keeps Her Going: When you get close, really close, to the end point, you can forget how you got here in the first place. Britton notes, ‘Women get their greatest erotic pleasure from frequent, passionate kissing. If you get the sense that she’s starting to lose interest, kissing is always the best way to bring her back into it.’ You don’t always need to frantically swab out her tonsils to show your passion; try to mix things up with an occasional closed-mouth kiss on her nose, eyes, and forehead.

 

6. The ‘Figure Eight’ Technique: When you’re giving full oral attention to her downstairs area, the super-sensitive area around her clitoris responds well to a figure-eight pattern. Start by gently sucking until the little button swells, and then carefully expose the area with your fingers. Circle the clitoris to the left with the slippery underside of your tongue, and then circle it to the right. Following on from this, use the rougher top side of your tongue to flick from right to left and then up and down. Finish by doing figure eights, alternating between your tongue’s smooth underside and firmer tip, and constantly varying the degrees of pressure you use.

Categories: clitoral stimulation, clitoris, Communication, figure, focus, kissing, nbsp, partner

Passion Lost? Communicate More With Your Partner

Miscommunication between men and women often stems from the fact that many people, particularly men, equate sex with romance. If their sex life is adequate, they believe everything else is fine, but this isn’t always the case. Furthermore, there’s the confusion about what is considered to be romantic or sexual activity. Many people think of kissing and hugging as a prelude to sex, but that’s not always the case. As a result, when people aren’t in the mood for sex, they don’t want to kiss or cuddle either as they think this is where it will lead. But these actions can help to retain the passion and intimacy in a relationship even when your sex life isn’t tip-top.

This kind of activity can be true of people in a relationship where a pattern has been established that kissing can lead to sex. This is where communication is so important, as the partner who wants the romantic touching needs to make it clear that their desire for physical contact has nothing to do with sexual feelings. Sometimes all we need it a kiss and a cuddle to feel loved and close to their partner, not necessarily as a precursor to sex. The onus isn’t always on the men though. Some women crave romance, but deliberately shut their libidos down once they get their fix because they find themselves busy or preoccupied. They don’t consider what it will take to satisfy their partners, as well as themselves. But this can lead to people feeling rejected and worthless in the relationship, which can create bigger problems than just the desire for sex being overlooked.

 

There’s also the level of confusion which occurs when couples try to communicate with each other about which signs of affection will lead to sex and which won’t. This confusion can create problems. There are two key factors to remember here – men get aroused easily and women can change their minds. But just because men can get aroused by kissing and hugging, it doesn’t mean that they’ll start kicking up a fuss when they don’t have sex. The answer is improved communication, where you need to be able to share your sensitivities and feelings with your partner without hurting his or her feelings.

 

For example, when a man gets an erection but the woman isn’t in the mood for sex, she needs to be able to tell her partner that she’s not in the mood without him getting upset or annoyed. And if she decides that she’s in the mood and they do have sex, he can’t assume that it’s going to happen every time the situation arises. The best way to do this is to avoid fixed patterns – each member of the relationship needs to be flexible and understand that people change their minds on the matter of sex, and that you can’t assume that one particular scenario will just be repeated each time. And it also means that you should compromise sometimes to please your partner. The man should understand that if a kiss drags on longer than usual, it doesn’t mean he should make her feel guilty when she turns down his advances. And she should be willing to hug and kiss without thinking about sex, but be accepting of her partners needs as well. Compromise and communication are the two pillars of a good relationship, and increasing the levels of them can do wonders for your closeness.

Categories: Communication, Kiss, lead, partner, people, relationship, Relationships, Sex, sex life

Desire Discrepancy: How to Get in Sync with Your Partner

If you’re in a long-term relationship, sexual health can get put on the back burner. Sure, you’re in love and closer than ever, but you’re not trying to impress each other anymore, and things can get a bit stale. Ask any long-term couple about their sexual wellness, and you’ll probably hear something along the lines of ‘It’s not as hot as it used to be, but I guess it’s still pretty good.’ Pat Love, PhD, the author of Hot Monogamy and The Truth about Love, explains that it’s normal for every couple to experience waning sexual passion. However, your sexual wellbeing may be different to your partner’s.

 

About 18 months into a relationship, many couples experience desire discrepancy — or when one partner has a greater sex drive than the other, says Love. This imbalance occurs once you’re out of the infatuation stage, and is why sex often goes from hot to cold in committed relationships. However, the good news is that you can get your sexual desire back in sync with your partner. Love explains that all you need to do is appreciate and respond to ‘your partner’s language of love,’ because ‘the way to get what you want is to give what your partner desires.’ While you may express love by buying gifts for your partner, for example, he/she may actually need you to spend time together, take care of annoying tasks or express your feelings vocally. Love comments, ‘You have to honour the reality and experience of the other. You have to jump in there and respond to the cues; you have to find out what says, “I love you” to your partner.’

 

That said, Susan Townsend, director of the Relationship Enrichment centre in Towson, Maryland, points out that first you have to be able to talk about sex, and that’s where couples often hit a brick wall. Let’s face it; we’re British and we don’t like talking about sex, so often couples don’t say anything or say things in such a way that it closes off communication. Let’s say you want more kissing during foreplay. In order to relate this desire, you tell your partner, “You know, you never really kiss me enough.” That is not a desire; it’s a criticism. A better way to word it would be, “I’ve been thinking. Instead of jumping into sex it would be really nice to spend more time kissing first.” Townsend notes, ‘You wouldn’t believe the leap in sexual communication when people start saying, ‘Instead of doing…, I’d rather you do…’

 

After you say your sexual desire in a positive way, your partner then needs to repeat it back to you to make sure they’ve understood you correctly. You make corrections until he/she gets it right, and then thank your partner for hearing you. Following on from this, you ask your partner if he/she is willing to make that change, and he/she can reply with a “yes” or “no” or agree if certain conditions are met. This communication technique is known as “mirroring” and creates a deeper level of emotional intimacy, which often leads to greater sexual passion. You may not always get what you want, but you’ll have a much better chance of getting your desires met if you learn to transform your criticisms into requests.

 

Once you’ve mastered this technique, sex expert Lana Holstein, MD, author of How to Have Magnificent Sex: The 7 Dimensions of a Vital Sexual Connection, says it’s time to make a contract. The fatigue and grind of daily life bury even the best sexual intentions, which is why Holstein recommends couples contract ‘a deal for sexual wealth’ to create a ‘good sex division’ of their relationship. Holstein explains, ‘We don’t always feel “in the mood,” but usually after we’re … into it, we’re glad to be there and often relieved.’

Categories: Communication, desire, desire discrepancy, Long term, nbsp, partner, relationship, sex contract, sexual, sexual desire, sexual passion

Your New Year’s Sexolutions: How to Have Great Sex in 2014

Men make a lot of New Year’s resolutions to do with wellness. Whether you want to spend more time at the gym, lay off the booze or see your friends more, the chances are that you made some sort of promise to your wellbeing for 2014 – and you’ve already broken that promise. Still, just because we’re nearing the end of January, it doesn’t mean you can make or remake your resolutions. Why not make a resolution that benefits your sexual health? This 2014, you can resolve to have the best sex of your life – and we’re here to show you how.

 

1. Tell Her How You Want It: You may think you’re making your point with the odd grunt and moan, but telling your partner exactly what you want and how she makes you feel can really get her temperature rising. Emily Morse, host of the Sex with Emily radio show, explains, ‘It’s sexy for her to hear your desires in bed, because you’re both in such an uninhibited state.’ Moreover, a study in the Journal of Sex Research found that the more couples used “crude language” in bed – e.g. saying “tits” instead of “breasts” or asking for a “blow job” instead of “oral sex” – they more satisfied they felt with their sexual communication. So don’t be afraid to get down and dirty.

 

2. Find Out What She Wants: Not only should you be more vocal about your fantasies, you can turn her fantasies into reality. Morse recommends asking a few not-so-innocent questions—like what she thinks about while she masturbates, or if there’s anything she’s always wanted to try. You’re more likely to get an honest answer if you ask her directly, and if you share your hidden fantasies first.

 

3. Extend Foreplay: If your typical between-the-sheets tryst goes along the lines of 1) Make out 2) Perform oral 3) Get her off 4) Finish, it might be time to shake things up. Morse argues, ‘The notion that women want foreplay, then sex, needs to be retired.’ A UK study has shown that a woman’s mouth and neck are the third and fourth most erogenous zones on her body, so you need to pay these areas attention throughout sex, not just as a pre-sex appetiser.

 

4. Take a Walk on the Wild Side: Madeline Haller, assistant editor at Mens Health, notes, ‘Couples who experimented with bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism (BDSM) are more in tune with their sexual desires and report feeling more secure with their partners, according to a study in The Journal of Sexual Medicine.’ Spanking makes for nicer alternative if you’re not ready to invest in handcuffs – just don’t spank too high on the cheek. Ava Cadell, PhD, founder of LoveologyUniversity, an online resource for sex knowledge, warns that spanking too high could cause your partner pain because you’re closer to bone, so aim for the lower, fleshier area of her cheeks.

 

5. Take it Outside: ‘A private tryst in a public place is a rush that’s hard to top,’ says Haller. ‘Warm her up to the idea by trying a place that’s tame—like the apartment balcony or hot tub—then work your way up…Another thing to keep in mind: The rendezvous should include plenty of manual stimulation before clothes start being removed, that way you minimize the length of exposure. (It is illegal to be naked in public.)’

 

6. Watch Porn Together: Porn isn’t just for men. In fact, a survey from Good in Bed, Men’s Health, and Women’s Health found that 69% – yes, really, 69% – of women would be open to the idea of watching porn with their partner if he initiated the conversation. Men’s Health Sex Professor Debby Herbenick, PhD, suggests getting the conversation going by saying, ‘I’m happy with our sex life, but let’s try this once. It’s something we can enjoy together.’

Categories: better sex, Communication, Foreplay, health, nbsp, Porn, sexual, Women

Achieve Stronger Orgasms Faster with 5 Everyday Habits

One sexual health problem that always seems centred on women is that of achieving better orgasms. Although men do need adequate stimulation and attention before climax, their process is pretty much fool-proof in this area. We, on the other hand, are a little more complex, but does that mean you have to cope with a life of hit-and-miss sexual experiences? Of course not. You can take control of your sexual wellbeing simply by changing or adding a few everyday habits, and achieve stronger, faster orgasms as a result.

 

1. Relax: According to award-winning wellness writer Hope Gillette, ‘Relaxing does not mean heading to the spa and de-stressing from the day (though that will certainly help an orgasm, too!), it means learning to let go of the worry women tend to have regarding having an orgasm. Because not all women can climax through vaginal intercourse, and because it sometimes takes a very specific combination of moves and caresses to bring a woman to orgasm, women tend to feel a certain amount of anxiety that they won’t peak before or with their partner. This will prevent women from relaxing and enjoying sex. It is also one of the most common reasons women fake orgasms.’

 

2. Communicate: ‘Just because you have a great relationship with your partner doesn’t men he understands what you need in bed,’ says Gillette. ‘Men aren’t mind readers, and they can only help you achieve a stronger orgasm, faster if you tell them what you like and what you don’t like…Men want direction, and if you aren’t comfortable communicating that in words, try just making encouraging noises or guiding them along. Just keep in mind your man wants to please you and if he is not, he would certainly appreciate your help.’

 

3. Understand your own body: How are you going to know what you like if you haven’t experimented by yourself? Gillette advises, ‘Masturbation is a great way for women to explore their bodies before they get into a sexual situation with a partner. Once you know what you like, you’ll be able to communicate that to your partner. Similarly, you can take time on your own to do Kegel exercises. These will strengthen your pelvic flood muscles and help you achieve a stronger orgasm, faster. Kegel can also help pleasure your partner as you can control your “grip” during vaginal intercourse. Masturbation also helps you discover different moves and poses that increase your pleasure.’

 

4. Don’t skip foreplay: ‘If you’re skipping foreplay just to hop into vaginal intercourse because your man is ready to go, you’re short-changing yourself on a very important part of the female orgasm,’ Gillette warns. ‘Orgasms are more intense for a woman if she is adequately aroused.  Arousal increases blood flow to sensitive areas and helps increase sexual stimulation. Foreplay can also include sexual fantasy; remember, the brain is responsible for arousal, too. Sexual fantasy can mean bringing toys into the mix or watching a sexy movie with your partner. Don’t rely on your partner only though. Fantasizing with whatever arouses you will help you reach an orgasm faster. Don’t feel guilty about thinking about something else if that helps you enjoy sex.’

 

5. Breathe: Although it sounds simple, breathing in the right way has a huge impact on your orgasms. Gillette instructs, ‘Contrary to what you may be thinking, you do not want to slow your breathing down or try to hold it in; you want to breathe fast, which will throw the body into a state of heightened senses. Letting go will also help you – instead of breathing out silently, don’t be shy about making noises and moaning – you’ll be surprised how much it excites you and your partner.’

Categories: achieve stronger, Communication, everyday habits, orgasm, Orgasms, partner, sexual fantasy, stronger orgasm, vaginal intercourse, Women, women tend

Teen Sex: What Do They Need To Know?

Regardless of the fact that teenagers are becoming sexually active earlier than ever, bringing the subject up and discussing it with them is still difficult for many adults. Sex is no longer a taboo issue and is splashed across the media in almost every form, but talking about it isn’t any easier than decades ago – we still get embarrassed when we talk about this natural act. And furthermore, there’s data to suggest that doctors are also guilty of failing to provide a useful sexual health discussion with teens. Research published in the JAMA Paediatrics states that one third of teenagers seen by a doctor didn’t talk about sexual health with their GP. Although the subject of sex was brought up in around 65 per cent of wellness visits, the conversations they had were extremely brief – in most cases, less than 36 seconds. These findings show that the majority of physicians aren’t making the most of these opportunities to educate teenage patients about sex and the risks involved, such as sexually transmitted diseases and how to prevent them. Although it is easier for parents to leave the subject of sex to medical professionals, it isn’t always the wisest decision – teenagers need to be able to feel comfortable discussing sex with people they trust and are close to. Sex education in schools isn’t usually in-depth enough to give adolescents the knowledge they need to make informed decisions, which is where parents come in to the situation.

Talking about sex is always going to be uncomfortable for parents and teenagers alike, but once you develop an open and trusting relationship around the topic, it gets easier. This is especially the case if what you’re worried about it is the answers you’re going to hear from your child. But there are steps you can take to make the process a little easier. For example, you can always ask for help – consult your GP who can offer you some advice about how to embark on this issue. Not only will it help you to form an unbiased discussion about sex but it will also help GPs to make sexual health conversations more engaging. You should also be as knowledgeable as possible on the subject – you’ll want to be prepared for any questions your teen may have. This means doing your research about the risks to teen sex these days, the various contraceptive methods available to adolescents and ensuring that your information is accurate. Giving your child inaccurate information could be extremely detrimental to their health and safety. If you’re not sure about the answer to a question, there’s no shame in explaining to your teen that you’ll need to find out and get back to them, rather than guessing.

But more importantly, you need to make sure those conversations happen – don’t let your teenager off the hook. If your teen says they don’t need ‘the talk’, make sure you still sit down and chat with them – even if it’s going over what they know, it will help to open up the channels of communication and build a trusting relationship between you both. Don’t discipline your teen when you talk to them – this isn’t the time to make your child feel ashamed or anxious about sex. Just because you’re talking about certain activities with them doesn’t mean they’re automatically engaging in them, so try not to be judgemental. Furthermore, remember that face to face conversations aren’t the only ways to communicate – why not write your child an email covering the topics, so that you both feel able to talk about things you might feel too embarrassed to say in person.

Categories: Child, Communication, Conversations, feel, Sex, sexual health, talk, teen, Teen Sex, Teenagers, trusting relationship

Feeling Confident About Condoms? Here’s All You Need to Know

Of all the methods of birth control out there – and, trust me, there’s quite a few – there’s none more popular than condoms, but why? Is it because they protect your wellbeing against unwanted pregnancies? Yes, but all methods of birth control do that – hence the name. Where condoms win out against all other contraceptives is that they’re dynamite for protecting your sexual health against sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Some other contraceptives do this too, but as condoms are the most readily-available and widely-used barrier method of birth control out there – meaning that they provide a barrier between partners that prevents the spread of STIs – I say that means you need to know a little more about them.

 

The reason why condoms are so widely used is that you don’t need to apply one in advance for them to be effective. Unlike the Pill, which requires you to remember to take it every day at the same time, or the Injection, which involves going in to your doctor’s for an injection on a regular basis, you can crack a condom out just before getting down to business and still protect you and your partner against pregnancies and STIs. Therefore, it’s important that you know how to use a condom properly and always have some with you. That said, some people forget to use their condoms when they’re in the heat of the moment, or are worried about bringing up the subject altogether. So how do you mention condoms to your partner?

 

Let’s think about this logically; if you’re getting hot and heavy with your partner, are you really going to stop to have a well-informed, logical discussion about the merits of birth control? Probably not. Therefore, you need to have this conversation well in advance of having sex with your partner for the first time. You need to first need to tell your partner that you want to use condoms, and then explain why you feel it’s important well before the heat of the moment. However, this is easier said than done, so if you are about to have sex that hasn’t been planned – which is often the case with sex – simply say “condom?” before things get too heavy. If you don’t have one, and neither of you have been tested for STIs, stop what you’re doing. If you know you’re both in the clear for STIs, but don’t want to begin a pregnancy, stick to oral sex. Bear in mind that drinking alcohol and taking other drugs may affect your ability to make safe decisions.

 

You may be worried that your partner will think badly of you for having condoms on you – like you expected sex to happen – or that he or she will be offended by the insinuation that they might have an STI. However, talking about using condoms doesn’t mean that you don’t trust your partner or that you have something to hide yourself, it just shows that you care about your health – and theirs. Don’t forget that, if nothing else, condoms provide a barrier against unwanted pregnancies, or extra protection if you’re already using a birth control method. Remember that anyone who has had previous sexual contact can have an STI, even people with just one or two previous partners, so it’s always worth using condoms just to be sure. If you’re in a long-term relationship and want to stop using condoms, both you and your partner should get tested for STIs first, even if you don’t have any symptoms. Most STIs don’t have any obvious signs, so screening is a must.

Categories: Communication, Condoms, sti testing

Where Did That Come From? Coming to Terms with Menopause

Growing up as a woman, your considerations surrounding sexual health tend to be around puberty, periods, protection against sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and pregnancy. But how often do you give a thought to menopause? Now it’s the baby boomers’ time to go through that sexual wellness change and, to be honest, we’re not really ready for it. At what point between screaming at the Beatles, wearing our hair in braids and holding up placards, getting a job, getting married, having kids, putting on weight and needing glasses, did Mother Nature turn around and say “enough’s enough”? Menopause can have a significant impact on your wellbeing, and so if you’ve never thought about it before it happened, you’ve certainly got it on the brain now!

 

The problem with menopause, and identifying and addressing its causes and symptoms, is that we talk about it in whispers. Also, there isn’t a lot of research into the subject, possibly because it’s a relatively new phenomenon. No, we haven’t started going through menopause because of the recession or the modern obesity crisis; until the last few generations most women died before they reached the cessation of the menses, and so researchers are only just beginning to take note that this is now something worth their attention. This is why the measurements of menopause are somewhat funny. I mean, how long before your last period does menopause begin? And what’s the difference between that and perimenopause? Is your last period the end of your menopause or is that the beginning? And how do you know if you’re menopausal or postmenopausal?

 

Learning all you can about menopause is a great way to get your head around the changes you’re going through, as well as finding out ways to cope. However, we need to stick together. Individually, we’re often too tired or busy or stressed to research into the subject, while most of us have mothers who never talked about it. Workplaces don’t tend to lend themselves to such discussions, and you don’t exactly want to bring it up with your friends when you’ve got so many other things to talk about. Between work, family and general life, do you really want to be the one at brunch who starts banging on about hot flashes? Then you have your family to look after, as most of us still tend to do at this age. Not only do you have a husband, kids at home or in university or moved back in, grand-babies and elderly relatives; there’s also family weddings to organise, Christmas to plan, your daughter’s gig to go to – when do you have time to notice what’s going on in your body?

 

But are you really that busy to notice you’re going through the Change, or is it more a case of denial? There isn’t a great reputation surrounding menopausal women. Sure, other female changes – such as puberty and pregnancy – have their irritating symptoms, but at least then you’re coming into womanhood or bringing a child into the world. These are prised symbols of fertility for which women have been valued, whereas menopause is kind of the opposite. It’s not just vanity; it’s the fear of being used up or discarded. However, instead of hiding your menopause or treating it as an illness to be conquered, take it in the spirit of adventure rather than embarrassment. Try to figure out where you are on the menopausal journey, and talk to people around you who are going through the same thing. If nothing else, it’s nice to know you’re not alone, and how much further you have to go before it’s all over.

Categories: Baby Boomers, Communication, menopausal, Menopause, nbsp, talk, tend

How to Up Your Career While Maintaining a Work-Life Balance

At any point in your career, finding a work-life balance is difficult, but when you’re trying to get ahead? Impossible! You have to work harder and stay later if you want to get noticed, right? But then how does corporate wellness fit in? Here’s how to maintain some semblance of a personal life and sense of well-being while still furthering your career.

 

Firstly, make sure you know your company. Some jobs just aren’t created with a work-life balance in mind, while others may have more appeal in this area. Before you accept the position, look into the company’s policies on working from home, taking time off, and flexi-time. This shouldn’t form the be-all and end-all on your decision – there are, after all, many factors to consider – but if you think you may, at some point, need to spend more time at home with family, it’s good to know that you have that option.

 

If you want to get the most out of your work and personal life, than communication across the board is key. Doing your job – and doing it well – is the most important aspect in your chances of promotion. Sure, working more hours won’t hurt your chances, but if you’re productive and a consistent performer, it’s likely that a little communication between you and your boss will be all you need to ensure the schedule changes you want. Moreover, you need to keep your family in the loop about your schedule, as well as the plans and after-school activities of others at home. That way, you can work together to keep the family in order when you’re at the office, and your partner and your children will better understand, and deal with, why you’re not around as often as you’d like.

 

Finally, if your supervisor gives you the go-ahead to modify your schedule, think about the most ideal situation that can accommodate your work and home needs. This may involve going in early, but making it home in time for dinner. Or you may choose to work from home for part of the week, or a combination of the two. Why not leave the office at 4 P.M. instead of 5.30, but then catch up after the kids have gone to bed by responding to emails, etc.?

Categories: career progression, Communication, Home, life, life balance, Personal Life, policies, schedule, time, work, work life, Work-Life Balance

How to Up Your Career While Maintaining a Work-Life Balance

At any point in your career, finding a work-life balance is difficult, but when you’re trying to get ahead? Impossible! You have to work harder and stay later if you want to get noticed, right? But then how does corporate wellness fit in? Here’s how to maintain some semblance of a personal life and sense of well-being while still furthering your career.

 

Firstly, make sure you know your company. Some jobs just aren’t created with a work-life balance in mind, while others may have more appeal in this area. Before you accept the position, look into the company’s policies on working from home, taking time off, and flexi-time. This shouldn’t form the be-all and end-all on your decision – there are, after all, many factors to consider – but if you think you may, at some point, need to spend more time at home with family, it’s good to know that you have that option.

 

If you want to get the most out of your work and personal life, than communication across the board is key. Doing your job – and doing it well – is the most important aspect in your chances of promotion. Sure, working more hours won’t hurt your chances, but if you’re productive and a consistent performer, it’s likely that a little communication between you and your boss will be all you need to ensure the schedule changes you want. Moreover, you need to keep your family in the loop about your schedule, as well as the plans and after-school activities of others at home. That way, you can work together to keep the family in order when you’re at the office, and your partner and your children will better understand, and deal with, why you’re not around as often as you’d like.

 

Finally, if your supervisor gives you the go-ahead to modify your schedule, think about the most ideal situation that can accommodate your work and home needs. This may involve going in early, but making it home in time for dinner. Or you may choose to work from home for part of the week, or a combination of the two. Why not leave the office at 4 P.M. instead of 5.30, but then catch up after the kids have gone to bed by responding to emails, etc.?

Categories: career progression, Communication, Home, life, life balance, Personal Life, policies, schedule, time, work, work life, Work-Life Balance

How Can You Discuss Your Sexual Needs As A Woman?

Female sexual health, in the same way as men’s, focuses on emotional as well as the physical side. If you want to achieve a healthy and satisfying sex life, you need to remember that it doesn’t happen overnight – it takes time to realise what you want out of sex and honest communication. Although talking about sex can be tricky and sometimes embarrassing, there’s no need to feel awkward about it. Discussing your wants and needs from the bedroom is vital in order to achieve a healthy sex life with your partner. Most people are under the impression that sex begins with a physical desire, which moves on to arousal and then an orgasm. This may be the case for men, but women are programmed differently. Women are motivated by their emotions firstly in many cases, and this changes how they approach sex as a whole. For some women, the pleasure of an arousal is enough whereas others seek the orgasm. You need to know what you want from sex in order to know what to ask for when you’re talking to your partner. But once you do know, the conversation is ready to be approached with your partner.

So how do you talk about it? Sharing your thoughts and expectations surrounding you sexual experiences can help you feel closer to your partner and can increase the intimacy between you both. In fact you’ll probably both enjoy the sexual experience all the more. To begin with admit your discomfort. If you’re feeling anxious about it say so – begin honest is vital here. You need to open up about your concerns before you embark on this conversation so that you and your partner know what you’re trying to tackle within the conversation. Then it’s as simple as start talking. Once you begin talking you’ll find that the anxiety dissipates and your confidence levels will grow. Set a time limit though so that you don’t overwhelm each other with a lengthy discussion. Perhaps devote a 15 minute limit to the topic which may also help you to stay within your emotional comfort zones. Talking regularly with your partner makes these conversations easier and more honest, as you won’t be restricted by anxiety or worry. You could even invite your partner to read a book or watch an online video about the topics you’d like to discuss so that you’re both on the same page when it comes to the topic itself.

 

There are many topics which you may feel you want to raise with your partner such as how much time you’re both setting aside for intimacy or if the romance is missing from your relationship. What gives you both mutual and individual enjoyment in bed? You need to be open to hearing your partner’s requests, as well as having your requests heard. It can be easy to settle into comfort and routine, but you need to be aware of when that shifts from a routine to a rut. If your sex life has become predictable, what changes can you make to spice things up? Remind each other of the opportunities for emotional closeness as well as physical – sex is more than just intercourse. You’ll no doubt have differing opinions on what constitutes a good sex life, but exploring those ideas together can heighten your enjoyment of sex – the first step to it all is talking about it and airing your views and needs.

Categories: Communication, life, partner, Sex, sex life, sexual, talking, time, Women

Talk Dirty to Me: Discussing Turn-Ons and Turn-Offs

As a nation, we may be more comfortable with seeing sex displayed in the media, but we still don’t like to talk about it. Communication is intrinsic to your sexual wellbeing, not to mention your relationship wellness! Not only is it important to cover sexual health issues like using contraception, you also need to talk to your partner about what you like and don’t like in the bedroom department. If you don’t discuss your turn-ons and turn-offs, things are never going to improve. Plus, believe it or not, talking about sex can, itself, be very sexy, and even enhance your relationship.

 

Talking about your turn-ons is a great way to get the sex conversation rolling. It can be tough to open up about the things you don’t like, or more boring-but-essential topics like protection and testing, so sharing sexy chat helps to get things started – and it could improve your experience of sex together. Many people seem to have the notion that everyone is the same when it comes to sex, but this simply isn’t true. Every individual has their own likes and dislikes in the bedroom, and it can take a long time – and a few mistakes – to figure out what works for you and your partner. If you’re committed to one another, no one is going to walk out when the other makes mistakes, and exploring and learning about each other is part of the fun. However, the problem comes when your partner continues to do something you don’t like, and you suffer in silence.

 

Your partner is not a mind-reader, and so may be going along for years thinking he’s getting you hot-and-heavy, when really you’re counting down the minutes until it’s over. In a similar vein, there may be something you’re dying to try, but your partner isn’t going to magically guess the things you want and start doing them. You can save a lot of time by just telling your partner what you want, and asking them if there’s anything they might like you to do. The best way to approach the conversation is to ask them about their turn-ons first, and then tell them something you’d be interested in trying. Just stick to one or two things during each conversation, as otherwise it could all get a bit much.

 

The good thing about opening up about your turn-ons in a conversation outside of the bedroom – rather than trying to get things going during sex – is that you can cover any worries you or your partner might have about the thing in question. Trying new things, although exciting, may be daunting, so talking about things beforehand will reassure you both about what will happen during sex and it’ll stay exciting. This may sound like a bit of a mood killer, but it’s actually quite the opposite! Instead of killing the romance of spontaneity, talking about sex can be quite a turn-on itself and a good way to get in the mood.

 

As well as talking about turn-ons outside of the bedroom, it’s better to talk about turn-offs before you start having sex than having to deal with them during sex. After all, would you like your partner to start criticising when you’re naked and vulnerable? Again, you may think this kills the romance, but even talking about your turn-offs can be quite saucy and a good laugh. Make sure you approach this subject from a place of love, non-judgement and good humour. Listing the things you both dislike may be hard to hear at first, but it will ultimately help you grow closer together – both in and out of the bedroom.

Categories: bedroom, Communication, nbsp, partner, talking, turn, turn-offs, turn-ons

How to Determine Whether You’re Ready to Have Sex

Your sexual wellness is all about positive expression. Whether you’re procreating or just having a good time, your sexuality should be something you enjoy, desire and love. However, there’s also a serious side to your sexual wellbeing, and that’s taking care of your sexual health. Sure, sure, we’ve all heard about sexual health in school, but how many of us really learned our lesson? Luckily, relationship expert and sexologist Dr Gabrielle Morrissey, author of Urge: Hot Secrets For Great Sex and Sex in the Time of Generation X, is here to make sure that the message gets through.

 

According to Dr Morrissey, ‘Research (and commonsense) shows that when people feel safer about an activity, and minimise their risks, they feel a greater excitement and level of joy associated with that activity. Any worry is alleviated, so people can then turn their focus entirely on the pleasure they derive from that activity. This is as true for skydiving as it is for sex. I’m often asked how to know when it is a good time to engage in sex, whether it is for the first time ever, or the first time in a relationship. The answer is reflected in your own individual values, however there are some basic guidelines that can help your decision-making process.’ Unless you can at least do the following three things, you’re not ready for sex.

 

1. Talk to your partner: Dr Morrissey recommends, ‘Talk with your partner about sex, pleasure, and your sexual histories, as this shows a caring maturity about the subject and for one another. If you can’t do this together, what are you doing getting naked and intimate together?’

 

2. Speak with someone older and wiser: As a young person, there should be some adult you can talk to about sex and sexual decision-making. Whether it’s a parent, family member, family friend, nurse, doctor, teacher or other responsible adult, someone who’s been through all of this already is the best person to advise you. Dr Morrissey notes, ‘Research shows the decision to engage in sex is often the first self-perceived “adult” independent decision a young person makes. As such, you should be able to demonstrate your adult maturity by asking questions and discussing sex with an adult, finding out everything you feel you need to know before you engage in it.’

 

3. Be prepared and protected: You need to protect yourself and your partner by making sure that, if you do decide to have sex, you’re both safe. Dr Morrissey points out, ‘It used to be thought, and sometimes still is by those who don’t know better, that protecting your sexual health meant simply avoiding pregnancy. This is not the case. Not all sexual activities run the risk of pregnancy (particularly of course when the partners are the same gender, but also activities that don’t involve penile-vaginal intercourse). But these activities may still carry sexual health risks.’

 

If you’re thinking that you can just go to the doctor for medicine if you catch anything, this is an EXTREMELY risky game to play. Only some STIs can be treated, and very few actually have any symptoms to alert you to the fact you’ve been infected. ‘The best thing to do is to prevent contracting any sexually transmitted infection in the first place, since some of them can’t be cured because they are viral,’ Dr Morrissey explains. ‘No-one wants to engage in sex when they think it may be detrimental to their health. This is not an erotic thought for anyone. So rather than fear sex, or associate it with illness and anxiety, it’s best to remove the worry by engaging in safer sex, which includes using barrier methods such as condoms and dams, and making safe choices based on your and your partner’s sexual health.’

Categories: Communication, dr morrissey, health, morrissey, nbsp, Protection, ready for sex, sexual, sexual health, time, young person