Are Men Always Going to Cheat? The Truth

Sexual infidelity is one of the hardest things to come to terms with. It can impact on your emotional wellness and wellbeing in all kinds of ways, and yet it is sadly all too common. To compound this, it’s just impossible to tell, before getting into a relationship, if a man is likely to cheat.

 

A new book, Why Men Really Cheat, by psychologist Martyn Stewart, looks to answer that big question with a mixture of analysis, case studies and theory. During the course of the book, we are introduced to different male types, the Swinger (no, not that type of swinger), the Enigma and the Opportunist, and we are guided through a series of case studies. We are also shown some pretty serious maths in the form of equations and algorithms to help us work out which personality types are more likely to be cheaters, and why that might be the case.

 

The conclusions to the very big question of why people chat are varied, ranging from a fear of missing out on an opportunity, having a compulsive sex drive, requiring immediate gratification and seeking some kind of recognition.

 

In addition to all this, modern technology is making cheating easier than ever. Society is built on ease and instancy, and this is helping to serve people with selfish needs.

 

The book also details the types of men to avoid, including the Lad’s Lad (a blokish man who is easily swayed by his friends, gets drunk easily and therefore cheats easily), the Manipulator (a cunning and secretive type of man), the Stupid Mistake man, who acts first and then thinks about the consequences later, the Disdainer – a misogynistic type who lacks empathy or patience and is not supportive of women as a gender. Then there’s the Opportunist, a carefree, hedonistic type who will not go out of his way to have an affair but will certainly grab one that arises.

Categories: book, case studies, cheat, cheating, easily, men, nbsp, Sex, type

Has Your Partner Cheated on You? How to Rebuild the Trust

When a partner is unfaithful, those few seconds of madness (or days, weeks or months in some cases) can totally destroy the years of family wellness and wellbeing that you have built up together.

 

Few people truly understand how devastating the effect of infidelity can be. Affairs truly take away all the emotional trust that is at the core of the relationship and this can be very difficult to recover from.

 

Luckily, there are ways to rebuild the relationship following a revelation of infidelity, but it’s not an easy road and both partners have to be totally open to fixing the damage that can be done.

 

When one partner discovers that another has been unfaithful, it triggers the four ‘H’s – Hurt, Hate, Holding on to resentment and Hesitation to trust.

 

When your partner has had an affair, you feel hurt that you have been totally betrayed in this manner. You may even feel that you hate your partner for what they have done, and for taking away the trust in the relationship. You probably feel deeply insecure too, and hate that you have to worry about the other lies that your partner may have told.

 

You will likely hold on to resentment – no matter how much you want to let it go. You will feel powerless. Finally, you will feel hesitant to trust again, as you know what it feels like to be betrayed and feel sure that you would not be able to survive a second betrayal.

 

There are also four Rs that the cheating partner should follow – these are the responses: Remorse, Rehabilitation, Restitution and Request for forgiveness.

 

That means that your partner should feel true remorse – truly sorry and sad – and should try to rehabilitate themselves. That means making the necessary changes to avoid it ever happening again. You can also go through restitution, where you let your partner reveal every feeling that they have towards you. Only when these other steps are complete can you request forgiveness – about six months down the line is best.

Categories: cheating, infidelity, relationship

Hands-Free but Not Risk-Free: The Dangers of Cyber Sex

When you’re in a long-distance relationship, you might not think you have any sexual health concerns to consider. Even if you’re sexting or having phone sex or online sex (also known as virtual sex or cyber sex) your wellness isn’t at risk of the transmission of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) from your partner, not can you pass STIs on to them. Nonetheless, virtual sex does pose certain risks to your wellbeing, so if you’re engaging in virtual sex – or thinking of trying it – there are some things you need to know.

 

During virtual sex, you exchange dirty talk or send explicit pictures or videos to someone else via phone calls, text messages, internet chat rooms, email, instant messaging or online video chat (such as Skype or facetime). This may be with your regular partner or someone new that you have met online. Virtual sex can involve just talking or flirting, or partners can masturbate while the sexy stuff is going on. The two important factors in good cyber sex are communication and imagination. You need to paint a picture in your partner’s mind and respond in a sexy way to the things they send to you.

 

Although there’s no risk of sexually transmitted infections, there are other risks from virtual sex you need to consider. It is easy to record phone conversations, or make sexy chat, pictures or video public. If you are having virtual sex with someone you don’t know, or there’s a risk that, if things go south, your partner might want to hurt you or take revenge in some way, you need to be aware that you’re giving another person a weapon against you. Not only could this be highly embarrassing, but having photos, videos or sexy conversations out in the public could impact on your job and other relationships, and even lead to cyber-bullying. Once you put that stuff out there, you have no idea whose hands it could end up in. In fact, the Internet Watch Foundation recently found that up to 88% of self-generated images were lifted from their original location and made public across a number of different sites without the permission or awareness of the image owner.

 

The risks of virtual sex aren’t limited to the possibility of other people seeing what you do; there are also emotional impacts to consider. If you have virtual sex with someone other that your regular partner, you may justify it by saying that, if you’re not actually having sex with someone, it’s not really cheating. However, having virtual sex with someone else can have just as much of an emotional impact on your relationship as physical intimacy can. You may feel guilty about engaging in something so intimate with another person, and your partner will still feel hurt and betrayed when he or she finds out.

 

If you meet someone online for a “no ties” session of virtual sex, you need to be aware that he or she is still a real person, and could track you down in your real life. You can’t fully judge a person over the internet, which means they could turn out to be nasty or not be who you thought they were. Another risk of having virtual sex with someone you don’t know is that they could be lying about their age. While it’s perfectly legal to have virtual sex with a consenting adult, if you have sexual images sent to you by, or of, someone under 16 you could be classed as having child pornography. If you then send these photos on, you could be guilty of distributing child pornography. It is also an offence to send sexual images of yourself to someone under 16, and you could end up in prison or on the sex offenders register.

Categories: cheating, child pornography, cyber sex, partner, regular partner, sexual images, sexually transmitted, transmitted infections, under-age, Virtual, virtual sex

Five Reasons Why Your Diet Plan Has Never Worked

How to Set Off on the Right Foot with Your Diet Plan

Could Your Diet Fall Prey to the Five Weight Loss Pitfalls?

Weight

Have you been trying your best to lose weight, but still that arrow on the scales won’t budge? A faulty diet can wreak havoc on your wellbeing, making you think there’s something wrong with you when the chances are, you just haven’t set off on the right foot. So where has your weight loss plan gone wrong, and how can you fix it?

1. You’ve set unrealistic goals.

Not only is it impractical to set an unrealistic goal, but it’s just downright bad for your health. If some miracle plan offers you a ridiculous amount of weight loss in a short amount of time, run the other way! Even if it works – which is very unlikely – you’ll have to starve yourself to get there, and lose muscle, rather than fat, which will lead to deficiencies, illness and eventual weight gain anyway. If you’re only going to diet, you’re looking to shed ½kg per week, or 1kg a week if you are combining exercise and diet, losing an extra 1-2kg per week after the first two months.  When setting your goals, factor in things that will get in your way, like big events or travel plans, so that you won’t get frustrated with your progress.

2. You’re on a diet pendulum.

More often than not, people who fail at dieting are those who swing between eating what they want, and then going on a strict diet for a few days. You can’t expect good results with an eating pattern like this; weight loss takes time and effort, and will only come about if you make small but permanent lifestyle changes.

3. You’ve been unfaithful…to your workout.

Cheating on your workout may seem fun at the time, but you’re doing yourself no favours. Sure, it’s tempting to skip a few reps, or take things easy when your instructor is looking the other way, but this won’t get you any closer to your goal, so why bother? If you’re trying to do 30 reps and failing, break it up into smaller sets of 15, but don’t skip.

4. You’ve been putting it off until tomorrow.

To paraphrase a ginger orphan with a big voice, tomorrow is always a day away. You may think that gorging yourself today will guilt you into that diet plan tomorrow, but when you eat a high-calorie meal on one day, your body will craves that many calories the next day. To adjust to a low-calorie diet, your body needs a few days and so having heavy meals on and off will rev up the hunger pangs. Your body will gradually adjust and it will become a lot easier, and will even allow for the odd high-calorie food without weight gain, but you’re never going to get to that point until you start your diet – today!

5. You’ve been eating when your feelings dictate.

It’s amazing how often you find justification for indulging. Sure, you’re on a diet, but you’ve had a really hard day at work, or an argument with your friend, or you’ve even done really well at something – it must be time for a chocolate-y reward! Many dieters fall off the wagon because they chomp on calories to soothe the feelings of anger, frustration and stress, but you don’t have to. Emotional eating often occurs because your body needs a feel-good hormone called serotonin, which is released when you eat carbohydrate-rich foods. However, this isn’t the only way to increase your serotonin production so when you next feel stressed, take a few deep breaths, go for a walk or drink a glass of milk. This will be better for your weight loss as well as your wellness.

 

Categories: body, cheating, diet, eating, emotional eating, high calorie, loss, Unrealistic Goals, weight, weight gain, Weight Loss

Would You Friend an Ex or Admit to Cheating? Study Finds Out

Your friend’s husband has “friended” his ex on Facebook, or your sister’s boyfriend wants her to watch pornography with him. While these situations are easy to give an opinion on, it’s harder to think what to do when they happen to you. Everything’s more complicated when your own relationship wellness and emotional wellbeing is at stake, and so a sexuality counsellor and best-selling author, Ian Kerner, and director of the Sexual Health Promotion Lab at the University of Kentucky, Kristen Mark, set out to find out what people do in 50 different sex and relationship scenarios.

Of the near-5,000 respondents, more than half of participants didn’t view a Facebook connection between their significant other and his or her ex as a threat. However, at least a third would question them about it and 17% would ask their partner to “de-friend” the ex. According to Mark, ‘Relationships require more negotiation in this technological age around the “rules” of what is appropriate and respectful and what is not.’

So what about actual fidelity? In the case of a hypothetical one-night stand, 30% of us would admit to it straight away, but 30% would also keep the slip-up a secret. Sex therapist Megan Fleming advises, ‘The big question to ask yourself is, “Is telling your partner in his or her best interest – would they want to know, or are you just trying to make yourself feel better by getting it off your chest? If your partner would likely find out, I’ve found that almost universally, the preference is to hear it from you first.’

If you receive unwanted attention from someone else, you’re more likely to spill the beans. 45% of those polled said that if they received a sexual text message from their boss, they would reply with a message saying it was inappropriate, and 35% would either go directly to human resources to report it or would ignore it completely. Fleming comments, ‘I find these results surprising. I’d like to think that in 2013, people would feel empowered and comfortable to appropriately set boundaries and let their boss or any other co-worker know when they’ve crossed an unwanted and unacceptable line.’

However, on a lighter note, most participants were willing to try something new in the bedroom, with 70% being happy to accept a sex toy as a gift and integrate it into their relationship, and roughly the same number – both men and women – being game to watch porn with their partner, and to try something in bed that initially made them blush. Sex educator and entrepreneur Patty Brisben notes, ‘People want to keep things fresh and have new experiences in their intimate lives. You can build a house with a strong foundation, but if you don’t decorate it, it’s not going to be a very exciting place to live…If you arm yourself with knowledge and communicate openly, both partners can feel satisfied.’

Categories: cheating, facebook, Research

How to Carry on As a Couple after Infidelity

Part of the problem with dealing with infidelity is that every situation is different. Family wellness can be affected in different ways, and so there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to building your relationship back up again. However, by taking a look at other people’s experiences, you can at least learn something of what it means to restore relationship wellness, even after infidelity, and work out how best to proceed as a couple.

Let’s take the example of Anna (not her real name). Anna’s boyfriend of five years had cheated on a previous girlfriend twice before, though he had never cheated on Anna when they were together. A year ago, the couple took a break, during which Anna’s partner (let’s call him Nathan) slept with someone twice. He said he could have done it more often but didn’t, and Anna said she knew it would happen if they went on a break, but now she’s worried about others will think of her choice to get back together with Nathan.

So what can Anna do? Firstly, the fact that she expects disapproval from her loved ones indicates that she has her own doubts which she’s denying to herself. Also, expecting her partner to cheat, even during a break, signals to Nathan that Anna would accept this, and he’s allowed to carry on as he wants. If this sounds like your situation, taking it slow is advisable, especially if you are yet to speak honestly about why you needed the break, what mistakes you both admit to, and what negatives each believes the other contributed. Once you and your partner are happy – really happy – with how things are, you won’t have to prove it to anyone.

When an old classmate of Holly’s husband moved to town, Holly thought nothing of it when they went out together a few times. Each time, James brought his sister along with him, but Holly said that he acts strangely when James comes home, immediately going to bed without saying anything. When Holly confronted James, he admitted he was smitten although nothing has happened, but Holly is upset by his emotional cheating, and worried that forgiving him will make him think it’s ok to carry on.

However, calling him on it straight away will stop him feeling like it’s ok to pursue anything further. James admitted to it, which is a good thing, but he also needs to openly explain his attraction, and the couple both need to look at their relationship together. Equally, Holly needs to share how sensitive and insecure this makes her feel, and insist that they go out together, work on their intimacy, and hang out with James’ sister when she’s around.

How to Carry on As a Couple after Infidelity

Categories: Advice, case studies, cheating

Does Cheating Put You at a Higher Risk of STDs

If you cheat on your partner, not only are you putting your relationship wellness at risk, but you’re also threatening your sexual health. This is according to a new study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine which has found that cheating on your partner could increase your risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).

According to the researchers at the University of Michigan, people who jump into bed with someone without their partner’s knowledge are unlikely to practice safe sex, possibly because they are more likely to have had a drink. Yet, the wellbeing of those in open relationships is less at risk of contracting an STD, which is possibly due to the fact that these people are more often sober when they sleep with someone else and are more sexually aware,

Lead researcher Dr Terri Conley reported, ‘Our research suggests that people who are unfaithful to their monogamous romantic partners pose a greater risk for STDs than those who actively negotiate non-monogamy in their relationship.’ It has already been established that monogamy is an effective method for preventing STDs spreading, but this is only the case if you and your partner test negative for infections at the start of a relationship, and, obviously, don’t sleep with anyone else who may have one.

Therefore, the researchers posted an online advert asking respondents whether or not monogamy can be a preventative method for STDs, and if people in an open sexual relationship practice safe sex. 1,647 people responded to the advert, 801 of whom admitting to having sex with someone other than their partner. Of these people, 493 claimed that this had happened as part of a negotiated non-monogamous relationship, and 308 stated they were sexually unfaithful to their partner.

The study revealed that 27% of cheats use condoms, compared to 35% of those in an open relationship. Cheating partners in a monogamous relationship were also 64% higher in terms of drug and alcohol use. Dr Conley concluded, ‘If people do not find monogamy appealing or feasible, they clearly need to think about the risk this poses to their partner and consider whether an open relationship would suit their needs better, and better protect their relationship partners.’

Irwin Goldstein, editor-in-chief of The Journal of Sexual Medicine, commented, ‘More work is needed in both prevention of and education about sexually transmitted diseases. This research is of particular interest because it reveals that monogamous relationships are not always monogamous which can have resultant sexual health implications.’

Does Cheating Put You at a Higher Risk of STDs

Categories: cheating, monogamous relationship, open relationship, practice safe, Research, safe sex, sexual health, sexual medicine, sexually transmitted, STDs, transmitted diseases

Lie-ons and Cheat-ahs: Are Humans the Most Deviant Animal?

Compared with most animals, humans engage in a host of behaviours that are destructive to our own emotional wellness, and the wellbeing of others. With your ability to talk, perhaps, comes a unique opportunity to lie and cheat, but why do humans do it so much?

Studies have found that lying is a common behaviour among the human race, and though no one quite knows, for certain, why you do it, it has been often tied to deep psychological factors. University of Massachusetts psychologist Robert Feldman has conducted studies in which people lie frequently, with 60% lying at least once during a 10-minute conversation. He explains, ‘It’s tied in with self-esteem. We find that as soon as people feel that their self-esteem is threatened, they immediately begin to lie at higher levels.’

Another study has found that telling fibs isn’t even the easier option, but that lying takes 30% longer than telling the truth and doing it on purpose involves a complex definition of processes. According to philosophy professor James E. Mahon, of Washington and Lee University, ‘Certain conditions have to be in place for a statement to rise to the level of a lie. First, a person must make a statement and must believe that the statement is false. Second, the person making the statement must intend for the audience to believe that the statement is true. Anything else falls outside the definition of lying that I have defended.’

And without lying, another destructive behaviour would become very difficult: cheating. According to a survey on Americans by the Pew Research Centre, about 10% are ambivalent about cheating on a spouse, saying that it is morally acceptable or not a moral issue. However, studies have shown that people who espouse high moral standards are among the worst cheats, as they, in some twisted way, consider cheating to be an ethically justifiable behaviour in certain situations.

Experts say that cheating comes down to a simple explanation: men are wired to want sex, a lot, and are more likely than women to cheat. Lawrence Josephs, a clinical psychologist at Adelphi University in New York, comments that men in power, such as politicians who otherwise urge good family values, are sometimes more likely to cheat on a spouse. ‘People don’t necessarily practice what they preach,’ he says. ‘It’s not clear to what extent people’s ethical values are actually running what they do or don’t do.’

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Lie-ons and Cheat-ahs: Are Humans the Most Deviant Animal?

Categories: cause, cheating, Lying